From Wheezy Wiki
|Original Upload date||April 7, 2008|
|Intro||chips and salsa intro|
|Wink submitted by||WheezyWaiter|
two unidentified women
[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
Well, it's April 7th.
Where the hell have I been?
I'll tell you exactly where I've been. I went to the store and I got a rolly chair.
[Craig spinning and sliding in his rolly chair.] Yeah!
I also got new shoes. [holds up his old shoe] Or didn't.
Looks like Hillary did a little spring cleaning.
Mark Penn was Hillary Clinton's chief strategist. [Reading from CNN article] On Friday he met with the Colombian ambassador to the United States [picture of Juan Valdez] to discuss a trade pact that was widely criticized by Hillary on the campaign trail. When asked to comment, Mark Penn said [zooms in on unflattering picture of Penn] "Bwaaaadiggiduh."
Good news, parents. Now there's an easy way to get rid of your children. Dad, you best get busy.
As did West Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs. That's hard to say. [Photo of CNN article 401 Kids from Polygamist Sect in State Custody] Apparently, if a bunch of kids have the same dad, they don't deserve any parents at all. [Picture of Little Orphan Annie] [closeup of the words '401 kids' in the headline] That's what the k in 401k stands for.
Now I have to do a little spring cleaning of my own. [cleans up the room] Ta da!
I have some other spring cleaning. I have some old footage I've been meaning to use for a while now.
I went golfing with my dad.
[Wheezy in the car:] Hey dad, whatcha drinking?
[Dad:] Medium double mocha latte with whipped cream.
Dad, how do you think that makes the Colombian ambassador feel? [Picture of Juan Valdez]
My dad is an exquisite golfer. [Footage of Dad teeing off.] I got confused and thought I was playing baseball. [Craig hits the ball and runs.] And I forgot to drop my bat. This hole looked like a challenge. [Hole 8. Par 5. 498 yards.] So I decided to ask my dad for advice.
[Wheezy and his dad in the golf cart. Wheezy says:] I don't know. Par 5. 498 yards. What do you think?
[Wheezy's dad:] Hit a hole in one.
I didn't want to disobey because I know what happens to kids these days. [Headline: 401 kids from polygamist sect in state custody]
[Wheezy tees off.]
[Ball rolls in the hole.]
[Wheezy's dad:] Atta boy, son!
I think that day, my relation to my family was secured.
[back to today in Wheezy's apartment:] Remember that blog post I made way back on October 10th about that horror movie I was going to crew on? Of course you do. Unless you're an idiot or blind. [Gasps] Oh I'm sorry David Alexander Patterson, the governor of New York. [picture of Patterson] He's a big fan.
Well anyway, I've been sitting on a lot of behind-the-scenes footage. So here it is.
I don't break promises, Jake.
[Voiceover over footage of the camera:] I was excited to be part of such a big production.
Hey wheezies. I'm on the set of the movie 'Disgruntled.' I'm part of the crew. Let me introduce you to some of my awesome friends. [Points camera at Jake and Eliza making out. Points camera away. Walks up to two guys.] Hey! You want to say hi for wheezywaiter?
[Guy:] Who the [music] are you? Get me a coffee.
The cast and crew loved my documentarianism.
[Jake, very annoyed:] Craig, put the [music]ing thing down.
[Matt pushes Wheezy in a wheelchair into the bushes.]
[Ryan drinks from a cup of coffee.]
[Ryan:] Hey Craig, throw this away. [throws the coffee cup at Craig, and it bounces off Craig's head.]
I was very popular with the ladies.
[Woman getting ready to change:] Does he have to watch me undress?
[Camera pans to Craig who is lurking and grinning behind some shelves.]
[Catherine Warren, Miss Illinois USA 2006:] Can somebody do something?
[Pans to Craig who is gaping at her from a little ways away.]
[Another woman:] Does the sound guy have to be this close?
[Camera pulls out to reveal Craig who is gaping at her from inches away, holding the mic.]
[Back in his apartment, Craig raises his eyebrows a few times.]
Sorry, Jake. Not everything made the final cut. I blame myself.
[Wheezy spins his chair:] Happy birthday Amelia!
[slides towards the camera and winks] [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[Outtakes:] West Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs, West Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs, West Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs.
This is the first video with the rolly chair
This is the first episode where swearing is censored out (this time by music).
Spring Cleaning on YouTube