[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
Good morning beardlovers. [funny face/funny noise] Congratulations on all the awards you've won. [smiley face]
What does this thing [playing with a rubber thing], this bear [holds up a tiny bear in a top hat] and Vitamin C [holds up a bottle of Vitamin C] have in common? I'm going to juggle all of them. [juggles them] Many of you are able to juggle lots of things at once to win all of those awards.
You see what I did there? My actions were a metaphor for what you did.
Like how I've made slap bracelets into a metaphor. [slaps slap bracelet on his wrist] Woo! This represents victory and celebration!
Except that my metaphors are really lame because I'm explaining them.
My heart is a sea of empty vessels drifting in the night. Which means I'm super sad.
My mom talks in metaphors.
[Craig as his hypothetical mother at the window:] You're worth as much as the *ding* I stepped in.
[Craig sighs deeply.] Mom, that was a simile.
[Craig as his hypothetical mother at the window:] Your *ding*hole is a simile.
I wake up early in the morning. And when I do, my soul is a withered oak tree. In a forest of sleepy dreams. Perhaps I need some Soul Coffee.
[Craig plays the guitar] [Pours coffee] [Goes to take a sip from the coffee pot instead of the mug. Burns his lip.] [Takes a sip from the coffee mug] [Begins singing:] When I was sleeping [Craig sleeping in his chair] in the room I make my stupid vids [Craig spins in his chair. Juggles. Holds up a can of coffee grounds.] I grab the grounds and went to town but oh I think I overdid [Craig fills a coffee filter with coffee. Then puts a spoonful of grounds directly in his mouth. Chews a little.] Now I need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in [Craig walks around in circles] Now I need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in [Craig walks around in circles] [Plays last few notes on his guitar.]
Good morning Joe.
[Joe:] Good morning Wheezy. Oh, and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and go *ding* yourself. [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[Outtakes: Craig eats a spoonful of coffee grounds. Chews a little. Makes a grossed-out noise.] Mmm. [Leaves the frame]
singing rug, beardlovers, slap bracelet, hypothetical mother, *ding*, breakfast puns, song, wink, outtakes
Soul Coffee on YouTube