[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Now if you'll allow me to speak dishonestly for a moment, you SUCK! I HATE YOU!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Beardlovers, can we all just slow down for a second? Take a moment. Smile. Just smile. That's all. [Smiles] [Even closer up of him smiling with his mouth open] [As his mouth widens, faint banjo music starts. When he speaks again, banjo music stops.] Careful! Not too much. Then the banjos might start playing. We want this to be quiet and relaxed, not a hoedown throwdown.
Did that smile make you feel better? Were you not even feeling bad in the first place? Maybe you should frown a little bit first. [sad face/sad music a couple of times. Then smiles again. His smile glints and dings.] Maybe it just freaked you out.
Anyway, some people say that smiling actually makes you feel better. That might just be new-agey crap. But hey, crap is useful too, for fertilizer and such. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: Hey, crap is useful, too, for fertilizer and such. - Craig Benzine]
Anyway, today is World Smile Day. [shows website] I actually found that out after I started randomly talking about smiles. And now I'm telling you about it to make it seem less random.
That was an amazing coincidence. And I'm not joking about that. [wiggles his lips/clears his throat]
World Smile Day is the first Friday of every October, and it was created by Harvey Ball. [shows photo] You know, the guy that created that smiley face. [Closeup of Ball] Well, that face is a bit unexpected.
Harvey Ball? [Sobs as words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh]
Just try to smile more, okay? It might make you feel better and be more attractive. I just think it would better serve you...
[A clone emerges from the bathroom.]
[Clone:] What are you talking about? Smiles aren't sexy.
[Craig:] Yeah they are.
[Sexy clone:] No.
[Craig:] Yes, they are sexy. Yeah I'm pretty sure...
[Sexy clone:] No.
[Craig:] I'm pretty sure they're sexy. Yeah.
[Sexy clone strikes a pose in the background:] No way.
[Craig:] Yeah they are.
[Sexy clone:] This? This is sexy? [Does a stupid smile] That's not sexy.
[Craig:] You're trying to make a point and it's cute but no...
[Sexy clone continues making stupid smiles.]
[Craig:] They're sexy.
[Sexy clone:] I disagree to disagree with you.
[Craig:] They're sexy. I...
[Sexy clone:] My chest hairs are tingling with opposition right now.
[Craig:] I think.. I'm more on the side of that they're sexy.
[Sexy clone poses some more:] No.
[Craig:] I think...
[Sexy clone:] Hmm mm.
[Craig:] I would go with...
[Sexy clone:] No way.
[Craig:] .... that.
[Sexy clone:] No.
[Craig:] They're pretty much... yeah...
[Sexy clone:] No. Smiles aren't sexy. They're silly. Sexiness is about being smooth. [Sexy clone looks into camera as music starts to play.] Elegant. [Strikes more poses as he speaks.] Sleek. Bold. Cutting edge.
[Craig:] That sounds kinda like a car commercial.
[Sexy clone:] Naughty. Sassy. [Makes clawing gesture and growls.]
[Craig:] That doesn't. But listen, smiles are attractive. They make you seem approachable. Friendly.
[Sexy clone:] People don't want friends. They want lovers. Well, actually, they just want me, but they'll take what they can get. [Sucks in his cheeks to make a sexy face.]
[Craig:] You know, I've never actually even seen you with a woman.
[Sexy Clone's phone rings.]
[Sexy clone:] Oh! Speak of the angel. [Lifts phone to his ear] Talk to me, baby. I'm sorry, Charlene. I've been meaning to call. I've been busy. Tonight? No I gotta paint my bedroom. Sorry. Oh! Got a call on the other line. [Picks up call on the other line] Rachel! Hey! Next week? Oh, I'm looking forward to next week too! [shrugs]
[Craig:] I don't think he's talking to anyone.
[Sexy clone:] Oh sorry, I got another call. [Goes back to the other call] Charlene, I told you I'm busy... Jus... Justine? Oh yeah, hey, Justine! I said Just... I said Justine.
[Justine:] No. You didn't. You said Charlene.
[Sexy clone:] Oh, I think I... I actually said Charlie Sheen. He's on a tv program I'm... I got confused. Sorry.
[Justine:] Who's Charlene, Sexy clone?
[Sexy clone:] You don't know who Charlie Sheen is? He was on Two and a Half Men. Wow!
[Justine:] Is that the girl that you dumped because she wore brown shoes with black pants?
[Sexy clone:] You know what? Relax, baby. Listen... [starts making a bunch of sexy faces, sucking in his cheeks to make a kissy-type face, biting at phone]
[Justine looks confused.]
[Sexy clone keeps on making sexy faces.]
[Justine:] Are you doing sexy faces over the phone?
[Sexy clone stops clawing at the phone:] Oh right. We're not video chatting. Umm...
[Justine rolls her eyes.]
[Sexy clone starts singing in a Louis Armstrong voice:] I see trees of green...
[Justine:] Oh no. You know I love that song.
[Sexy clone continues singing:] Clouds of white... A bright blessed day... Dark sacred night...
[Justine:] What a sexy voice.
[Sexy clone, still singing:] ... And I think to myself... What a wonderful world.
[Justine sings along:] What a wonderful world.
[Justine:] I completely forgot what we were talking about.
[Sexy clone, singing:] And I think to myself... [starts making weird noises] what a [weird noises] wonder... [weird noises] Bad connection. Sorry. Gotta go. [hangs up]
[Sexy clone, popping his collar:] Louis Armstrong. Gets 'em every time.
[Craig:] Get to the alligator pit.
[Sexy clone looks towards alligator pit. Starts singing:] You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me!
[Craig:] Alright, fine. Do whatever you want.
[Sexy clone:] Every time. [Turns and walk-poses his way back towards the bathroom. Music plays.]
[Viewer plays outro theme on piano. Winks (ding)]
Just smile. That's all. [smiles. Zooms camera in, adjusts focus, leans closer to camera, and widens his smile.]
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, sad face, dinging glinting smile, Craig quotes, flying-words sob, Sexy clone, song, alligator pit, wink, outtakes
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