Sickly Waiter

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"Sickly Waiter"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 449
Original Upload date January 15, 2011
Running time 0:03:06
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by superandomfrog
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"Antimatter Elmo"
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"How to do the Dishes"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's a Wheezy Waiter Saturday spectacular! I'm recovering from a sickness I've had for the past two days and I'm really low of energy which is unlike the way I usually am which makes it spectacular? [falls asleep]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[sleeping. wakes up.] A bunch of you are probably already commenting 'Wheezy Waiter's wearing glasses? Oh my god oh my god oh my god. My life has changed.' These aren't new glasses. I normally wear contacts. I just didn't feel like putting on glasses today. Contacts. Spectacular.
And no I'm not Quiet Clone or Sick Clone or Glasses Clone. It's just me and I'm sick. [falls asleep]
[A clone enters in the background, sweeping.] [Clone:] Hey wake up!
[Craig wakes:] And I'm glad I'm not a clone. Clones are stupid. I hate them.
[Clone in background starts crying, walks away.]
Oh, there was a clone there? I'm sorry, clone. I really didn't mean... to say the truth about how I feel about you while you were here.
You see? This is yet another example of why I bury my true feelings under a vast landfill of lies.
Hey Craig, what do you think of my new hair?
Love it!
I just bought some new shoes. What do you think?
Those are the best shoes.
Just got a new shirt. Like it?
I like it like it.
You mean you wanna go out with it?
Well, maybe one date. See if we have enough stuff in common. And I just met it.
I've been working tirelessly for months on this...
Oh my god, I LOVE IT!
I haven't even told you what it is yet.
Yeah. It's that awesome.
Your lies make me feel good.
The truth shall set you free. But lies will help you avoid conflict while in prison.[These words appear beside Craig as he says them: The truth shall set you free, but lies will help you avoid conflict while in prison.]
Craig with a Wig has been sick right along with me.
[Craig with a Wig:] I've been sick for two days. And I hate days. And being. I apologize for my lack of energy. [theme song:] He's Craigity Craig Craig with a Wig [piano key] [Craig with a Wig smiles]
Ah Craig with a Wig. Such a breath of stale air.
I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done. I'm gonna fatigue my way to the coffee.
[turns very slowly in his chair, slowly gets up, walks slowly into kitchen, wiping his brow, sits down] Could really use some coffee to get to the coffee right now. And this chair is so heavy. [falls asleep]
[Winker does a handstand and winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hello again. Never made it to the coffee. But that's fine. Everything's just fine.
Lies lies lies lies lies.
So you may have seen that Ford commercial I did where I basically made a Ford Fiesta from scratch and came up with a bunch of features. Ford has asked me to come up with another feature and I could use your help. There's a link in the doobly-doo where you can join the Fiesta Challenge and win an iPod Touch. There's also a video over there featuring pre-sick Craig in all of his high-energy glory.
Truth truth truth truth truth.
And astounding beauty.
Lies lies lies lies lies.
One more thing I want to tell you, I'm gonna be interviewed live on Wednesday in a Chicago suburb, Wilmette, at the Wilmette Theater. Why do you suppose they called it that? Local public television superstar Ben Hollis is interviewing me. Info in the doobly-doo.
Now I'm gonna go get a lot more rest and avoid any unhealthy or obscene behavior.
Lies lies lies lies lies.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, clone, Craig quotes, Craig with a Wig, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, doobly-doo

External links

Sickly Waiter on YouTube