[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So recently I bought a bookshelf. That one. [Points as he racks focus to the bookshelf] The one in focus now. That one right there. Ever since I bought it, it's had that white door. I wonder what's in it. Let's find it. [Gets up and goes over to the bookshelf. Bends down. Legend of Zelda music plays as he slowly begins to open door. He shuts it.] This is taking too long. Boring. I don't even wanna know anymore. [Walks away. Explosion behind him on white door.] Whoa! It looks like it has a security system.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Drinking from empty glass] Oh, ginger ale all gone. How about I have an ice cube? [Eats ice cubes.] Mmm. [Chews on ice cubes. Moves it around between his lips.] How am I gonna do my video if this ice cube never melts? Mouth explosion! [Sound of explosion. Water dribbles out of Craig's mouth as he speaks.] That's better.
So recently I came up with this idea known as EXPLOSION Wednesday. Where I would talk about EXPLOSIONS in my life or news involving EXPLOSIONS. Or explosive language. I try to stay away from the news that's extremely negative. Negativity's for naysayers and bad people who suck, which, unfortunately, is almost everyone these days... and always. [These words appear on screen as Craig says them: Negativity's for naysayers and bad people who suck, which, unfortunately, is almost everyone these days and always. - Craig Benzine]
I'm not sure if it's a thing yet. I'm trying it out. But today's one of those days when I'm thinking maybe it shouldn't be. Look at the news. Writers are less attention-getting than they used to be.
[Shows headline and reads it in a bored tone:] How city living stresses your brain.
What city are you from? Snoresville in Posturepedic Pillow County? How about this?
[shows amended headline] City Brain FIRES on All Cylinders, Causes BLOW OUT! Nay. DOUBLE BLOW OUT! Yep, that's better. Yep.
[shows headline] Should Casey Anthony testify?
Wow! I don't give a crap. But I would if it said [shows amended headline] Anthony a TestiFIER! Should defense pull TRIGGER?
If in the HOT seat, Anthony a testi-mommy or testi-MONSTER?
I guess testi-mommy could be misconstrued. Speaking of, [shows headline] 'Evolving' views on gay marriage.
After reading that headline, the issue of gay marriage would be irrelevant because readers would be in a coma for 20 years. It should say this [shows headline] Overseer of Drone BOMBINGS and Bin Laden ANNIHILATION EXPLODES with tolerance of Matrimonial FLAMER Fusion.
Hmm. Sometimes less is more. Not this more.
[shows headline] Lufthansa jet narrowly avoids collision at JFK.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It should say [shows amended headline] Jets Collide and EXPLODE! is what almost happened.
Then there's this nap-inducer. [shows headline] California missile test launch.
Actually, that's not bad. I might shorten it a little.
[Shows amended headline] MISSILE Shoots YEAH!
Maybe even shorter.
[Shows amended headline] MISSILE Time!
A little shorter.
[Shows amended headline] MISSILES
[Just a photo, missile effect and sound of missile launch.]
There we go.
Maybe Explosion Wednesday's not such a bad idea. I don't know. We'll see.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So have you heard of the show Duncan Rocks? It's a show on YouTube that I like and I'm in and I'm going to be in again. Check it out. Subscribe. [Points to clickable annotation] But did you know that the guy who plays him is not him? His name is Andrew, and he's also a photographer for Sparah, a celebrity couple being manufactured by Virgin Mobile. You should check that out too because I find him hilarious in it, and Sarah is quite Scarlett Johansson... I mean, easy on the eyes. I'm not saying this right. SIZZLING photo shoot with HOT soon-to-be Hollywood BOMBSHELLS. Photographer has FLAMING red hair which EXPLODES if you put it onto dynamite. And lit it.
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, Craig quotes, headlines, wink, Scarlett Johansson
Shocking Headlines Ignite Fiery Passion on YouTube