[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today I wanted to talk...
[A clone opens the door in the background:] Sexy clone went to L.A.
[Craig:] ... about how much I hate travel... [turns towards clone] What?
[Clone:] Sexy clone went to L.A. He's trying to be a movie star.
[Craig:] I can't have another me wandering around. The government will find out I can make clones, and people will think I'm sexier than I actually am.
[Clone:] You better go get him.
[Craig:] I'm going to get him.
[Craig walking out door:] Okay, off I go. Don't forget to take the dishes out of the dishwasher.
[Clone speaks softly:] I hate you.
[Clone:] I mean, oh yeah, sure, yeah, okay.
[Craig:] Don't forget to sweep the bathroom and do the other things and the whatnot... [closes the door]
[Another clone pops out near the washer/dryer:] Is he gone?
[Clone at door:] No!
[Clone near washer/dryer:] Awww.
[Clone at door:] I mean, yes.
[Clone near washer/dryer:] Yeah! Let's party!
[Clone at door:] Yeahhhh!!!!!
[Clone near washer/dryer:] I'm gonna poop and pee first.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig does a voiceover over the footage of his travels.]
I angrily ride the train to the airport. Ooh. Pretty bricks. But I'm still angry. Then I forget to be angry. Then I get angry again. Then I smile because I don't think you can see me in the dark. Then I am angry again. Then I see the stupid cars on the stupid road while I'm on the awesome train.
[talks out the window:] What? What? You suck! [Makes noises] Dur dur dur dur dur dur duh dur.
Back to angry again.
Then at the airport I made a discovery. [Shot of a toilet] Hmm? I saw a flashing stop hand that said Start on it, so I palmed it. [Plastic on the seat rotates] Oh god! The plastic is moving! Wow! Then I sit down to do my dirty business. [Title on screen: *sits down to do dirty business*] Then I get up and go to move the plastic for the next guy, but then I think, nah, a man's gotta move his own plastic.
Then at the gate, I'm still angry. But I realize I probably shouldn't be angry in an airport so I try to hide it. [smiles]
Then I notice a very simple number puzzle. [closeup of sign for Terminals 1, 2, 3, and 5] Oh fun. But wait! Where's the four? Where's the four?
Then on the airplane I feel jealous of everyone's lack of baldspot. [shows people's heads from behind and arrows to their lack of baldspot] Ohh. Then I see a cute wittle puppy in front of me. I try to pet it, finally realize it's a guy's head.
I start grimacing due to discomfort so I go to recline my chair. But then I remember news stories of people getting really angry at each other due to reclining in an airplane [shows headlines/articles] so I decide not to recline. No! Hmm mmm. No way. Nope. Nope. Not reclining. Uh uh. Absolutely... No. Nuh. No no no no. Uh uh. Not gonna do it. Negatory. Negatory. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Uh uh. No way. [Dissolve transition]
Then I dissolve transitioned to a time later in the future and I grab a magazine. But then I'm highly disturbed by that lady being devoured by her own sweater! Then I realize I have nowhere to stay whilst in L.A. so I can up my friend Dan Dobi.
[Dan Dobi's sitting on the couch. His ringer goes off (his ringtone is "Careless Whisper" by George Michael). Dan answers the phone:] Wheezy, what up?
[Craig holds the phone to ear and talks, but still in voiceover:] Hi Dan. Can I stay with you for a few days?
[Dan, looking confused, pulls the phone away from his ear and looks at it. Puts it back to his ear, sighing.]
[Craig, still in voiceover:] Mmm hmm? Mmm? Mmm hmm?
[Dan:] Whatever. Whatever, man. [puts phone down]
[Craig, still holding phone, still taking in voiceover:] Okay. Bye, Dan. [puts phone down]
Then I realize I never stopped narrating and he didn't hear me. Urg! But I get over it and fall asleep. [Closes his eyes.]
[Wakes suddenly and looks out window.] Hey, is that Sexy Clone? [shot out the window] Oh no, it's just a cloud. [Closes his eyes again. Wakes suddenly and looks out window.] Hey, is that Sexy Clone? [shot out window] Oh. No, that's just a ridiculously huge crevice in the earth. [Closes his eyes again. Wakes suddenly and looks out window.] Hey, is that Sexy Clone? [Shot out window of one of the engines and a symbol of a man with a line through it] Oh no. That's certainly no man. [Closes his eyes again. Wakes suddenly and looks out window.] Hey, is that Sexy Clone? Oh. No, that's L.A. But that's where I'm going so I parachute down onto Hollywood Boulevard.
[Craig's on Hollywood Boulevard] Very confident because Sexy Clone's sexiness is easy to spot in a crowd. Oh! In Hollywood, everyone's sexy. Wait, what? [Looks down at a star on Walk of Fame. It says Wheezy Waiter.] Oh dear. I might be too late.
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Dan opens his door. Craig is standing there. Craig speaks in voiceover while smiling.]
[Craig:] Hey Dan Dobi.
[Dan:] What are you doing here?
[Craig, in voiceover:] Remember? I asked to stay with you and you said 'whatever.'
[Dan:] Narrating again.
[Craig, in voiceover:] Huh? Ohhhh right right right right right. I have a real problem with that. Apologies.
[Dan:] Whatever. [goes inside]
[Craig, in voiceover:] Oh! Awesome. Cool. Yeah, thanks for the hospitality. [goes inside]
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, Sexy clone, headlines, wink
Sexy in L.A. on YouTube