[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey beardlovers. Let me check on something real quick. [looks out the window] Mm hmm mm hmm. Just as I thought. Chicago is really messed up right now. You've got Governor Blagojevich -- you know, the *ding*ing *ding*hole -- skipping his impeachment hearing and choosing to defend himself on the talk show circuit. You've got the head of Chicago public schools, Arnie Duncan, going to Washington so Mayor Daley has to replace him. So Mayor Daley chooses Ron Hooperman, the head of the Chicago train system. All aboard! It's the Mayor Daly education train to Dumb Town where all my friends slap me on the ass with money and favors. Okay, it's not a perfect metaphor but it's early and I haven't eaten breakfast yet.
Also, most of the people that watch this now aren't even from Chicago and could give a *shirt*. I think I know what you want to see. Something like this. [Craig slides in his chair/singing rug] Or this. [Craig and a clone sit by side. Craig punches the clone. The clone punches Craig.] Or perhaps you want to hear from my mom.
[Craig at window as his hypothetical mother:] *ding* off.
My mother. The eloquence and subtlety of a rabid polar bear driving a tractor. With a bazooka. And the tractor is sentient and it's driving a bigger tractor.
Man, much like Chicago, my life's real messed up right now. I got a carpet that sings. I got a vulgar fictional mother. And I keep hitting myself.
I guess that you could say that my life is scrambled. How did I get to be this way? Well, my father was a scrambler down in Georgia. He woke up on the wrong end of a gun. [Craig enters the kitchen and sits in front of a bowl and a dozen eggs.] And I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus. Rolling down Highway 41. [sips coffee] Mmm. This coffee's good. Lord, I was... I was born a scramblin' man, just trying to make a living, [cracks an egg into a bowl] do the best I can. And when it's time for leaving, I hope you'll understand [pours egg into pan]... Wow, this is gonna be good... that I was born a scramblin' man. [eats scrambled eggs] Mmm. Yeah, it's good.
Time to wink, Devyn Brown.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
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beardlovers, Blagojevich, *ding*, *shirt*, singing rug, clone, hypothetical mother, breakfast puns, wink
Scramblin' Man on YouTube