Scars

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"Scars"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 137
2009
Original Upload date March 13, 2009
Running time 0:04:11
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro website/youtube outro
Wink submitted by laurizee
Great People
Guests: Mike Benedetto
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Parfait-rophobia"
Next →
"Sniffles"

Video

Transcript

[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Good morning beardlovers. Today we're going to talk about scars.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie Jaws is when they're all talking about the scars that they have, and then at the end of them shows his chest, everyone looks confused because they don't see a scar and he mentions how his heart was broken. That's the kind of scars we're talking about today.
Just kidding! We're talking about gory injuries.
I've had stitches six times. And I've broken [breaks a chip] one bone. [Loudly noms on the chip]
[Voiceover while showing scar under his chin:] Scar number one. The swingset.
In second grade I rode the swingset on my belly. It was winter and there was a bunch of ice below me and I slipped off the swing and smashed my chin.
[Voiceover while showing scar under his chin:] Scar number two. The swingset.
In fourth grade, we would always do this stupid thing where we ride the swing and then we would flip backwards and stand up. I did that once in the winter and I flipped backwards and there was ice on the ground and I slipped and smashed my chin.
[Voiceover while showing scar on his knee:] Scar number three. Cinnamon roll biking mishap.
Fifth grade. My sister brought home a cinnamon roll from the downtown shop. My friend Nathan Wells and I decided we needed cinnamon rolls. So we biked down there. [reenacting:] On the way back, we were biking with one hand and holding the cinnamon roll in the other. For the purpose of this story, this box of whole wheat Roman rigatoni will be the cinnamon roll because it's the first thing that I grabbed. Now on the way back, we realized there was this awesome bump coming up. This bump was shaped sort of like a ramp and we would use it to jump over. My friend Nathan, being the young Evel Knievel that he is, said, Hey Craig, go over the bump! So naturally I decided to go over the bump. And on the other side, someone had spilled a bunch of oil all over the road. So [in the reenactment:] Oh no! Aaaaa! [Craig falls. The box of pasta/cinnamon roll goes flying] I fell on top of the bike, jamming my leg in the sprocket. [smiles]
[Voiceover while showing scar under his chin:] Scar number four. High school football.
Chin strap came off. Smashed my chin into someone's shoulder pad. Ouch ouch ouch. Stitches.
This concludes the chin trilogy.
[Pointing to a scar on his hand:] Scar number five. The ill-conceived turkey handoff.
I was a caterer. Caterer. Caterer. In Madison Wisconsin. And we were serving turkey. The chef came out with a full turkey on a pan. And he handed it to me. But he decided to be holding a knife at the same time. Sliced my hand as I grabbed it. Stitches.
[points to back of his head] Scar number six. Skiing.
This one's out of order because i forgot about it. Eighth grade. Downhill skiing. I went flying. Lost both of my skis. I felt a pain in my head so I put my hand there. [puts hand on back of his head] Pulled it away, covered in blood. Stitches.
[Voiceover over closeup of Wheezy's eye] The eyebone or trust is a two-way street, pal.
On an eighth grade fieldtrip, we were doing a trust fall... [reenacts the position before the fall, standing with arms crossed over the chest] ... where someone stands like this only they're about this high up [holds his hand six feet off the ground] And we stand here ready to catch them. Well, this young lad fell and let his elbows out, smashing me in the eye. It was the most pain I've experienced in my life. I rolled around on the ground screaming. And then when I pulled my eye away [pulls hands from his face], I saw double. That lasted for about a week until I went in to the doctor and they told me that a bone below my eye had broken and got lodged in the muscle. I had to have surgery. They pulled out the pieces of bone and put in a piece of plastic. I still see double to this day when I look really far up. One eye goes higher than the other. [demonstrates] Can you tell?
So that's all. What are your scars? Comment, video response. Oh *shirt* it's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up to bagel. Craig walks up.]
[Craig's boss:] Are you gonna punch me again?
[Craig:] What? Me? I wouldn't do that.
[Craig's boss:] I have so many scars from Free Bagel Friday. This one here is from Free Bagel Friday number six. The one on my hip I can't really show you from Free Bagel Friday number three. One on the back of my calf from good ol' FBF number two. But you know what? I don't have any on my face. That's cause you hit like a girl.
[Craig:] That's sexism in the workplace. [punches his boss who spins and falls] [Craig grabs the bagel and turns and walks away.]
[Craig's boss:] That's violence in the workplace.
Give us a wink, Laurizee, but don't hurt yourself.
[The winker begins to lift her leg up.]
[Craig:] Careful.
[The winker completely lifts her leg up by her head. She then clasps her hands in front of her and steps through her linked arms so that her arms are now behind her.]
[Craig:] Careful!
[The winker moves her arms from behind her body to the front of her body without unclasping her hands. winks (ding)]
[Craig:] Phew!
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[outtakes:] And I've broken one boaten. [snaps the chip in half] Boaten?

Recurring elements

beardlovers, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink, outtakes

Note

The Nathan Wells who figures prominently in the story about scar number three is the same Nathan Wells who appears in some other videos.

External links

Scars on YouTube