[slides in/singing rug] Scar! [pointing at his forehead]
[Extreme closeup of his forehead] Right there. See it? [Two arrows point to it.] Not that I'm using it for attention or anything. [Third arrow points to it.] But look at me! [Fourth arrow points to it.] Look at it. See it? See it? [A fifth arrow points to it.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig plays guitar and sings to the tune of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star']
Sit there, sit there,
How I wonder why are you are...
Heal yourself like you haven't thus far,
Or I'll punch you a lot 'til you're covered in other scars, [punches himself repeatedly in the forehead]
Then I'll finally be scar free,
Oh wait, you're still there,
I guess it's time for laser surgery. [A laser machine is superimposed over Craig. Its laser shoots at the scar.]
Ah, that might be a bit extreme. How am I gonna deal with this scar?
I could pretend it's SCARlett Johansson. [A small photo of Scarlett Johansson's head is superimposed over the scar.] But that's just the beginning of her name. With that logic, I'd have to pretend my chest was Chester Cheetah [Chester Cheetah superimposed over Craig's chest]. My ears are Earl. [Two pictures of Jason Lee are superimposed over his ears] My eyes are Ivan Drago from Rocky 4 [pictures of Ivan Drago are superimposed over his eyes] who has scars of his own. [Pictures of Scarlett Johansson are superimposed over Ivan Drago's scars.]
[Closeup of Ivan Drago. Audio of his voice:] I must break you.
My toes are Tony Blair. [Pictures of Tony Blair superimposed over Craig's toes.] My left foot is My Left Foot. [poster for My Left Foot superimposed over Craig's left foot.] And don't even get me started on Pee Wee Herman. Or Pooky Bear. Or our previous vice president. [Picture of Dick Cheney.] Or prostate Thompson. [picture of a guy smiling.] Poor Prostate Johnson. He was made fun of so much as a kid that he worked out his whole life and then he became enlarged. [Picture gets a little bigger.] He can't win.
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice:] You will lose.
Yes, Ivan. That's what I said.
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice.] I defeat real champion.
You're very confident. Okay. That's good.
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice shouting in Russian. Subtitles read: I fight to win. For me. FOR ME!]
You have no regard for others at all?
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice:] If he dies, he dies.
Okay, fine. Let's move on.
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice:] I cannot be defeated.
Okay, Ivan. How much longer are you gonna talk about this?
[Picture of Ivan Drago. We hear his voice:] To the end.
Alright, fine. So anyway, I actually have no idea how I got this scar. It might be because I use myself as a backstop for my grocery cart. [Craig, in the grocery store, grabs items from the shelves, throws them at his head, and they bounce off his head into the grocery cart. First, a roll of paper towels. Then a box of cereal. A head of lettuce. Crackers? We see him grab a bottle of pasta sauce. Sound of it breaking offscreen.]
No, that can't be. Because I already had the scar when I did my daily kissy faces in the mirror. [Criag makes kissy faces at himself in the mirror.] Builds confidence. And pucker strength.
Perhaps it's from when Revenge Clone came at me with a knife. [Revenge Clone runs into the apartment, wielding a knife.] No, it couldn't be, because I deflected that. [Craig deflects it. We see the rest of this account from Craig's point of view, hearing the sounds of what he describes.] Gave him an uppercut, spun around, turned him upside down, dropped him on his head, kicked him, and threw pretzels at him which are high in sodium and may be detrimental to his health if he eats too many. [Sound of Revenge Clone munching on pretzels] So there. Ha ha!
So that wasn't it. Maybe I should sleep on it and it'll come to me. Alright, just take my belt off for comfort's sake. [Takes belt off.] Put on some sleep music. [Leans towards computer. Music starts. Leans back in his chair and sleeps. The sleep music is Devo's 'Whip It.' Every time they sing 'Whip it,' Craig slaps himself in the forehead with his belt. Sleeps right through repeated belt slaps.]
[Viewer-submitted domino outro with Craig singing outro theme]
[Dog winks (ding)]
[Craig sleeps in his chair with the belt in his mouth. Wakes suddenly.] Oh! I remember what it is! I got into a light-saber battle with Corey Vidal. [points to annotation on screen] It's probably definitely maybe most definitely what it is probably. Click there to watch it. I probably definitely got a scar from that, so you better.
All that sleeping made me hungry. Mayo bread time! [Raises up a piece of bread, a jar of mayo, and a knife.] Spreading it, spreading it... [spreads mayo on the bread] ... All this spreading's making me sleepy again. I guess I'll put on my other sleep music. [Leans towards computer. Music starts. Leans back in his chair and sleeps. The song is 'Footloose.' Every time they sing 'Everybody cut, everybody cut,' Craig cuts his forehead with the knife, even though he's sleeping right through it. He slaps his forehead with the slice of mayo bread so there's a bunch of mayo on his forehead too. Sleeps.]
singing rug, song, Scarlett Johansson, Revenge clone, collab video, wink
Scar! on YouTube
'Darth Waiter Strikes Back' (lightsaber fight) - wheezywaiter & Corey Vidal