[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Let's do something awesome today like... punch a... tyrannosaurus with a giant fist. [looks down] Oh hey! [Holds up tyrannosaurus toy. Punches it three times with giant fist.] Done.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of cereal, drops pieces of cereal as he comes towards camera] Cereal cereal cereal cereal cereal cereal.
I like to leave a trail of corn flakes from the kitchen so I can find my way back. Just like Hansel and Gretel. Mostly Hansel. I'm not a girl! Psh!
Congratulations to Julia Gillard... GilLARD?... for becoming the first prime minister of Australia. By first prime minister, I mean first female prime minister. How do I know this? I'm super smart. And it was a trending topic on Twitter.
Man, without Twitter my life would be... pretty much the same.
This is especially good news for Tilda Swinton, who'll be starring in the TV movie based on Julia Gillard called Julia Gillard: How I, uh, Became President... Prime Minister of Australia... as a Woman. First Time.
Tilda's very busy this year because right after that, she goes directly into production as Thom Yorke in Thom Yorke: I Make... Good Music but I Look Weird.
Sometimes it just seems like Tilda's gonna be busy til da day she dies. Haha! Hehehe! [Serious face]
Wait, Australia elected a female leader?
Bunch o' sissies!
Hehehe. Careful, Craig. Sometimes sarcasm becomes real if you do it too much. It happens. Observe.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side. The clone is wearing the Snow sweatshirt.]
[Craig:] Oh my god, that's a really good shirt you're wearing. [tries to suppress laughter]
[Craig, looking at camera, shakes his head and points]
[Clone:] Thank you.
[Craig:] Seriously, where'd you get it? I might go buy one. It's awesome. [Can barely suppress his laughter.]
[Clone:] Thrift store down the street.
[Craig:] Well, here I go. Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna buy one. [leaves the frame. When he comes back in, he too is wearing the Snow sweatshirt. Still speaks sarcastically.] Well, I'm wearing the shirt. It's my favorite in my collection. [Tries to keep from laughing]
[Craig:] Seriously, thanks for the tip. This is awesome. [Tries to suppress laughter.]
[Clone:] You're welcome.
[Craig, totally serious:] I love this shirt.
[Clone:] I wouldn't say I love it. I'm actually kinda wearing it ironically. But...
See? I bought a lot of stupid shirts that way. Although this one actually really is awesome. [holds up Snow sweatshirt] I didn't buy it, though. Someone bought it for me. I'm not that cool.
So. Wanna see something awesome? Come here. Come on. [gets up and leaves frame. Comes back into frame, further back in his room, out of focus] Come on!
[Standing next to one of his windows] So it rained last night here in Chicago and all the frost on the windows is gone except for this one shape. What does that look like to you? [Superimposes image of Pac-Man's enemy, Bashful/Inky.] [Craig reacts in fear] Uh, I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done!
[As Craig goes towards the kitchen, he bends down to eat each corn flake he left earlier. The Pac-Man game sound plays as Inky follows Craig.] Corn flake, corn flake, corn flake, corn flake, corn flake. [Craig goes into kitchen and Inky turns quickly to follow him. Craig cries out and then we hear the sound that usually accompanies Pac-Man's death. Text on screen: Game over.]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Why is it Pac-Man and not Pac Person? See? Makers of Pac-Man, you're sexist. I'm not. I guess there's Miss Pac-Man. But wait, why isn't she Mrs. Pac-Man? Isn't she married to Pac-Man? I guess not. But she did take his name. And have a kid with him in her video game. Is she just using his name for his money? And also having a child without marriage? Miss Pac-Man's a whore! [picture of Ms. Pac-Man]