[slides in/singing rug, but when he slides in he leans so that his head is still not in frame]
Hey beardlovers. I kinda got a bad sunburn on my face. It's embarrassing. I don't want to show you. Alright I'll show you. Jump cut. [Craig is now sitting in his regular position. His face is red. Really really red.] Is it bad? Is it really that bad? It is, isn't it? Now I'm embarrassed. My face is getting red. No, wait, it already is red.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig, with less red on his face, but obviously sunburned, puts on lotion] Put on some lotion, I think it reduces the redness a little bit. What?! [turns to alternate camera angle] What?! [back to main camera angle] What?! Still bad? I think you're just not assimilated to red on this channel. I'm gonna show you a bunch of red things.
[Screen is red with the word "Red" written on it] Yeah.
[Picture of a red heart balloon] See?
[Picture of a red rose] There you go.
[Picture of the guy who played the dad on That 70s Show] What, well, his name is Red, but...
[Picture of oompa loompas from Willy Wonka] They're more orange.
[Picture of John Boehner] House Minority leader John Boehner? That's just mean.
[Craig with red on his face:] A picture of me from earlier? That's not helping.
[Picture of a sexy woman pirate in red] Whoa! Too sexy.
[Camera cuts back to Craig, who has a pig's head superimposed over his head] That makes me look ugly. Let's see some ugly things.
[picture of Hammer pants] Ugly.
[picture of Uggs] Uggs-ly.
[picture of a pug] Pugsly. Well, I think they're cute.
[picture of Ugly Betty] Glasses and braces? Ugly.
[picture of Lady Gaga] I don't find her attractive.
[graph of a decrease] Look at those numbers. Ugly!
[Black screen] Now if this worked, I should look sexy and blue.
[The image is blue and there's sexy female shoulders and chest superimposed over Craig's shoulders and chest] I think it worked!
[back to normal] Well, that didn't last very long. I only had a woman's body for a few seconds before I had a chance to... do aerobics?
No Free Bagel Friday again today. I know, I know. I can't punish myself enough.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side.]
[Clone:] Just do it.
[Craig:] Are you sure about this?
[Clone:] Come on, just do it. I deserve it.
[Craig punches the clone]
[Craig:] Okay, now go do the dishes. They're not going to do themselves. [The clone gets up and goes towards kitchen]
Believe me. This hurts me more than it hurts ... me.
I've had approximately... umm... [counts on his fingers] zero minutes to review the submissions for the new outro music. I apologize. I will get to it next week. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink my coffee. [sips coffee] Mmm! Too cold! [Holds the mug up to his cheek. Sound of boiling. Sips it again.] Mmm. Mmm, that's better. I love it when the coffee's face-warmed.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) and wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Wait! Was that shirt draped over that chair THE WHOLE TIME?! [Dramatic zoom and shocked face] Oh, gone now. I control what you see. God of the frame. Hehehe. [Cuts to the usual camera angle where we can see the shirt again. Craig stops laughing and bows his head.] Clone, could you hang up that shirt?
singing rug, turning red from embarrassment, alternate camera angle, beardlovers, clone, wink
Red on YouTube