From Wheezy Wiki
|Original Upload date||August 2, 2010|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||srodvision|
|No. of Attempts||1|
|Did His Wallet Fall Out?||No|
|No. Without the Wall:||0|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Let's get this video over quickly so I can put some pants on. [looks down] Oh wow. Yeah. They're not there. That's a lot of leg.
My body is shameful.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So I trimmed my beard. [Laughs] [Cries] [Serious face with a slow blink] Conflicting emotions about it.
In my last video, I know I was a little peeved at the comments about the unruliness of my beard. A tiny bit of anger. You might say it was a hissy fit. Coniption. I was very conipt. I may have gone on a hysterical tirade of tantric proportions. By tantric, I'm referring to a tantrum. That's what that word means, right?
The point is I didn't trim my beard because you told me to. I did it for me! To look good. For you.
So I look good, right? Here, I'll give you my natural face. [Makes an ugly face] That's just how my face sits when I don't use the muscles.
I dare you to find a flaw in this face. [Boing sound as a zit near Craig's nose is highlighted] Agh, I wish my blemishes wouldn't boing and highlight themselves.
Now wait a second. I think the coffee's done! I love it when the coffee's done! I'm gonna tantrum my way to the coffee. [Gets up and tantrums his way to the coffee, making tantrum noises and waving his arms. When he gets to the kitchen, he takes the bananas off the top of the fridge and throws them on the ground. He pours the coffee making lots of tantrum noises. More tantrum sounds as he returns to camera.] [Unintelligble...] coffee! [More tantrum grunting]
So in the news today, [shows article] 'Recovery sleep' can make up for the lost ZZZs.
There was a study done that forced its subjects to sleep for four hours a day. At gunpoint. Ridiculous, I know. But let me finish. It wasn't at gunpoint. I made that up.
Then on the weekends, they were able to sleep for up to ten hours to see if that extra sleep recovered their cognitive...ness.
I should totally be a scientist.
And it worked! Apparently. Mostly. Apparently it's still not as good as getting your regular eight hours a day. Which is why one of the study's authors, David F. Dinges [pronounced dinghy-s], Dinges [pronounced din-jess], Dinges [pronounced din-jees], ends the article by saying "Prioritize sleep!"
Don't tell me what to do, Dinges [dinghy-s]... Dinges [din-jees]!
I don't need to prioritize sleep. You know why? Cause I get more sleep than the average human. I do this by sleep-thinking.
You heard of this? Probably not. I made it up.
Whenever I sit down to think, I just sleep and dream my thoughts. So that means between every take on my Wheezy Waiter videos, I'm sleeping.
[Voice offscreen:] Cut! Cut.
[Craig:] What's that? Okay. [head drops and he starts sleeping and snoring.]
[Wakes up] Okay, the giant clove of garlic just told me what to say next.
Sleep thinking. Highly recommended. By me. And the garlic in my dream.
It's handstand time.
So I've read a few comments saying the handstands are boring. Hey! Progress is boring. But we keep doing it. And we succeed hard. But if I must make the handstand more exciting...
[Craig stands near wall. A clone stands near the bed]
[Craig:] Clone, do something entertaining while I do a handstand.
[Clone:] Me? Oh I couldn't possibly.
[Craig does a handstand.]
[Clone:] Okay. [Starts dancing.] Ooh wait. [Tries a funny hand trick.] No no no... no, wait, no, wait. [Tries it again] No, wait, no wait.
[Craig's handstand is over. He stands up.]
[Craig and the clone sit in front of the camera.]
[Craig:] Clone, that was good.
[Clone:] Oh thank you.
[Craig:] Real good.
[Craig:] You got what it takes.
[Craig:] To feed the alligators.
[Clone:] No, I just... [realizes what Craig just said] ...What?
[Craig:] Go. Get to the alligator pit. Go.
[The clone is standing by the alligator pit.]
[Craig:] Whew... All that complimenting reminded me of love.
[The clone jumps into the alligator pit. We can hear the alligator munching.]
And that reminds me of the wedding I just went to. Hey Nate, drummer in my band, and Jannelle, librarian in my town, could you wink, please?
[Craig:] 1... 2... 3.
[Jannelle and Nate wink (ding) (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Craig cries and starts coughing.] Hmm. Crying's bad for the lungs.
I may have gone on a hysterical tirade of tantric performances. Performances?
[In the kitchen:] Banana opened up, and now there's gross banana on the floor!
Recovery Sleep on YouTube