ROCK

From Wheezy Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search
"ROCK"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 581
2011
Original Upload date November 8, 2011
Running time 0:03:34
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by benpiano2
Great People
Guests: Chyna Pate
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Average Hotel"
Next →
"Tore Tower Two-er"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [sings his intro theme] Wheezy Waiter! [makes sounds from his intro theme]
[Intro:] What are you doing?
Oh, sorry, intro. You're supposed to say that. You go ahead.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
I wasted my breath singing that intro when I didn't have to. I better take a break. [takes a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds before blowing the breath out] Breath reclaimed.
In the news, [shows article headline] Rover spots the new thing on Mars.
Range Rovers with spots are the new thing on Mars? How'd they get them there? Why are they the new thing on Mars? Who's driving them? This article doesn't have enough information!
Oh, perhaps I should read all those words behind the headline. [An arrow points to all those words beneath the headline.] I believe they call that the article? [Text next to arrow: article?]
But there's so many words!!! Okay, fine.
[Reads from article] NASA's Opportunity rover has come across a light-colored line of rocks that could serve as solid evidence of Mars' watery past.
Oh, a Rover spotted some rocks on Mars. I get it. [pause] That's much less interesting.
So a Rover took a couple pictures and scientists are all atwitter. You could say it's causing a lot of RUBBLE rousing in the scientific community. [The audience laughs.] All of their excitement is COBBLED together. [More laughter] Perhaps these new questions require a BOLDER approach. [Audience laughs. Craig laughs too, proud of himself.]
Pfft. I could take a couple pictures and be famous and party like a Mars Rover. And then scientists would GRAVEL at my feet. [More audience laughter]
[Craig spins around in his chair and starts to get up.]
[A clone in a white lab coat peeks out from the cloning area:] Hey, slow down there, Philip Hyde... [Craig sits back down.] [Wikipedia page for Philip Hyde appears onscreen as clone continues] ... renowned nature photographer. Science is not that simple!
[Craig, pointing to the camera he's holding:] Just point and click. How hard can it be?
[Scientist clone, who's wearing a Scientist PhD nametag:] Are you even aware of the scientific method?
[Craig:] Point and click.
[Scientist clone:] What question do you want answered?
[Craig:] What's a frickin' rock look like?
[Scientist clone:] Now do background research.
[Craig brings up a picture of a rock on his monitor:] There. There's a rock.
[Scientist clone:] Construct a hypothesis.
[Craig:] No, I'm not doing drugs.
[Scientist clone:] Also you better be careful because you're all about breaking stuff.
[Craig:] No I'm not. What gave you that idea? [Drops the camera he's holding.]
[Scientist clone:] What's your favorite TV show?
[Craig:] Breaking Bad.
[Scientist clone:] Favorite meal of the day?
[Craig:] Break-fast. [Pronounces it brake-fast]
[Scientist clone:] Favorite time of day?
[Craig:] Break time! Or the break of dawn.
[Scientist clone:] Favorite actor?
[Craig:] Jonathan Brakes.
[Scientist clone:] I think you mean Jonathan Frakes from Star Trek. I kinda like him too.
[Craig:] Oh, that's his name? I'm not sure I like him as much anymore.
[Scientist clone:] Favorite filmmaker.
[Craig:] John Brake.
[Scientist clone:] Who?
[Craig:] Only the System Administrator for Final Destination 3. [shows John Brake's IMDB page]
[Scientist clone:] You see? I can't risk having you out in the field. You'll break something. I'm gonna do it myself. [Turns to go]
[Craig:] Damn! I wish I wasn't too lazy to try to stop you.
[The scientist clone walks outside. Takes a picture. Bends down and picks up a rock.] What's this? [He makes an excited face and music plays as a flash goes off like his picture is being taken. The picture appears on the front page of Rock Chronicle with the headline "Local Scientist Discovers New Rock Formation." His picture also appears on the cover of Quartz Quarterly with the headline "Formation Newest We've Ever Seen! Says Expert." His picture also appears on the cover of Rolling Stone newspaper with the headline "New Formation Changes Way We Think About Minerals, Life."] [For more on the articles, see 'Articles' section below.]
[Craig:] Wow! Congratulations! [Scientist clone walks in holding the rock] You're famous now! Can I see the rock?
[Scientist clone:] Oh yeah, sure. Here. [Throws it to Craig who catches it and throws it to the floor] [Text onscreen: rock breaks with an arrow pointing to the floor out of frame]
[Craig:] Why did I just do that?
[Scientist clone:] Nooooooooo!
[Craig starts screaming in unison, glancing at camera, smiling:] Noooooooo!
[Scientist clone looks at camera in disbelief.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Beardlovers, I just gotta let you know in two days, Thursday, my band and I, Driftless Pony Club, not... I'm Craig. My band is Driftless Pony Club. We're going out on tour. Our first stop is Hamilton, OH. [Pronounces it 'Oh'] Then we're playing in Rochester, Nyeh. [trying to pronounce NY] Then Brooklyn Nyeh, the only 21 plus show. Ardmore puh [trying to pronounce PA], New York nyeh, Pittsburgh puh, and Atlanta guh [trying to pronounce GA].
Also there's a sale on my t-shirts right now. If you get two or more, you get free shipping. Just enter the code Beardlover-eleven, and you... you get it. That ends November 15th.
Now here's a pretty girl to make sure that you're paying attention. [Pans camera to Chyna who's sitting on the couch.] Guys!
Oh that's right, I still have more to say. [Pans camera back to Chyna and focuses the camera on her] Could you move your lips while I say it? Please? Thank you. Okay, ready? [Chyna moves her mouth while Craig continues talking] Thank you so much. We made our goal for Platoon of Power Squadron. We raised fifteen thousand four hundred something something dollars. Hooraaaaaay! Hooraaaaay! Hooraaaaaaay! [pans camera back to himself] Seriously, thank you. [Chyna laughs.]

Recurring themes

singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, Scientist clone, Wikipedia, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), merchandise, Platoon of Power Squadron

Articles

Here's the text of the articles that appear in this video.

ROCK CHRONICLE
http://www.tcorradio.com
THE WORLD'S FAVORITE NEWSPAPER
-since 1879-
LOCAL SCIENTIST DISCOVERS NEW ROCK FORMATION
Today a local scientist found a new rock formation. Wow, that first sentence really didn't add anything to this article that the headline didn't already tell you. I apologize for that. Let's get on with the story.
Scientist Clone was out taking pictures of rocks after he learned about the new pictures from the Mars rover opportunity. When I asked if he was an actual Clone he just went on and on about the scientific method. This conversation was going nowhere.
Local experts analyzed the rock and said that they've seen nothing like it. Gary Smartbutts says he's seen hundreds of thousands of rocks and has been catagorizing rock formations for 40 years. "You'd be surprised how few catagories of formations there are. But you'll never know because I won't ever tell you. This knowledge is only for scientists so they can sound smart."
Apparently this new formation is nothing like any of the formations he or his colleagues have seen. It's a completely new pattern of rock, and maybe a new pattern of anything at all.
When asked how often this happens, Smartbutts said it hasn't happened in his lifetime. "My job has been extremely easy," he added.

QUARTZ QUARTERLY
http://www.galleries.com/Quartz
THE WORLD'S FAVORITE NEWSPAPER
-since 1879-
"FORMATION NEWEST WE'VE EVER SEEN!" SAYS EXPERT.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Honestly, we just copied and posted this from Rock Chronicle
[The same article as above appears below this headline]

ROLLING STONE
http://www.mysticmerchant.com
THE WORLD'S FAVORITE NEWSPAPER
-since 1879-
NEW FORMATION CHANGES WAY WE THINK ABOUT MINERALS, LIFE.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Much of this article isn't even in English because we didn't feel like finishing it.
Today a local scientist found a new rock formation. Wow, that first sentence really didn't add anything to this article that the headline didn't already tell you. I apologize for that. Let's get on with the story.
Scientist Clone was out taking pictures of rocks after he learned about the new pictures from the Mars rover opportunity. When I asked if he was an actual Clone he just went on and on about the scientific method. This conversation was going nowhere.
Local experts analyzed the rock and said that they've seen nothing like it. Gary Smartbutts says he's seen hundreds of thousands of "Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum. If you actually read this article please leave a comment saying, "Rocks are awesome, but not as awesome as rawk sawks."

External links

ROCK on YouTube