|Original Upload date||August 25, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||UnknownDrummerKid|
|Camera work by||Corey Vidal|
Shannon Antilles (Shantilles)
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today... [looks behind him] Is that... is that a skateboard right there? Oh okay, I'll do a few tricks. [Rides skateboard for a second. Jumps off. Twirls it above his head as he walks into kitchen, whooping.] [Text on screen: the Heli twist!] [Puts skateboard down and gets back on it] [text on screen: with hop-on!] [Rides it back into living room, gets off and holds it above his hand as he hops around a little bit] [Text on screen: the Bojangles] [puts it back on floor] Yeah! [standing on skateboard, scooting back and forth] Self-taught!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[still scooting back and forth on the skateboard, side to side, very minimal range] Yeah! Oh! Yeah! [steps off and walks towards camera] I'm what you'd call a jack of all trades. [sits down] Master of... all trades as well.
Unlike Steve Jobs who after a string of failures had to quit his job as CEO of Apple. [shows article]
Sometimes things aren't gonna work out! Suck it up, Steve Jobs! When life gives you apples, make apple sauce! Or... really... the apple's just good to eat by itself too.
Quitting's for losers. Unless the game is to see who can quit the fastest [talking really fast now]. I quit! [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Quitting's for losers. Unless the game is to see who can quit the fastest-I quit! -Craig Benzine]
Failures are there to be learned from. Steve, I guess this computer thing didn't work out for you. What does your resignation letter say?
[shows article and reads from it. Or tries to.] There's a certain sort of sad... [licks lips and tries again] There's a certain sort of sort of... uh... There's a certain sort of sad inevid... ah, I can't talk today... a certain sort of sad inevitability in this moment. Apple is his life. [leans forward to read closer] Apple... oh wait... [leans back] that's not even his resignation letter. [Sirens can be heard in background] I thought that... Sorry... What's with the siren?
[Reads from article again] I hereby resign as CEO of Ap... I see... I hea... Urgh! [tries reading more from the article] And I look forward to watching and contributing to its success in a new role. I have... I have... I have made... I... I... ugh! I quit! I quit! [gets up and gets on skateboard, still grunting in dissatisfaction. Gets up and twirls skateboard over his head on his way to the front door.] [Text on screen: the herky jerky heli] [throws the skateboard down] [text on screen: with discard grab!] [Craig walks out the front door.]
[Walking down sidewalk, shouting to no one] I quit! I'm unemployed! I suck at my job! My former job! Psh. [Walks to opening of an alley and lies down on a pizza box next to a trash can. After a few moments, sits up.] I'm hungry. [Opens up pizza box. It's empty. He throws it.] I need a job. [Gets up and continues down sidewalk.] Searching for employment! [again, shouting to no one:] Help wanted? [points to himself] Help got! Right here!
[Walks into a store and grabs newspaper. While paying for it, he engages the offscreen cashier in conversation.]
[Craig:] I'm lookin' for a job.
[Cashier:] Oh, okay. Good luck.
[Craig, handing her the money:] Thank you. I'm unemployed now. I quit. [putting the change back in his wallet] Good luck to you.
[Cashier:] Thank you. Good luck to you too.
[Craig:] Well, thank you. [Turns and leaves the store]
[Walks down sidewalk, reading the paper.] Oooh, grocery store. [Balls up the paper and runs.]
[Walks into a grocery store. Fills out application.]
[Craig:] Hmm? [The question "What is your favorite animal?" is highlighted. The choices for his answer are A) Turtle, B) Shark, C) Python, D) Eagle. The eagle squawks as D is highlighted. Craig circles A. Craig looks concerned as the next question is highlighted: If you did not select eagle, please explain. Craig glances up. He hands his application to the employer. The employer holds it up and examines it. (See notes below for what is readable on the application).]
[Employer:] So I'm noticing you have no experience.
[Employer:] Uh... I'm also noticing you were arrested and charged with a crime?
[Employer:] You wanna tell me about that?
[Craig:] Uh... No.
[Employer:] You either stole or damaged company property.
[Craig:] We've all... we've all gone to college.
[Employer:] This question was, "Do you love America?" If yes, explain why. And you said you do.
[Craig:] Mm hmm.
[Employer:] And then you stated "Yes, I friggin' live here."
[Craig nods:] Yeah.
[Employer:] You're hired.
[Craig:] Alright! [They shake hands.]
[Employer:] You have very soft and weak hands.
[In the grocery store, Craig stocks cans of tomatoes. A woman walks up.]
[Grocery store woman:] Excuse me. Do you know where I can find the relish?
[Craig:] Aisle 14.
[Grocery store woman:] There's only 10 aisles.
[Craig:] Uh, 8. Aisle 8.
[Grocery store woman:] We're IN Aisle 8.
[Craig:] Yes. What exactly is a relish?
[The grocery store woman stares at him. He sighs. Then he shakes his head and unbuttons the shirt he's wearing over his t-shirt. He unbuttons the cuffs while staring at the woman. He balls up the shirt and hands it to her.]
[Craig:] I quit! [He walks away.]
[Grocery store woman:] The hot dogs are gonna be so bland.
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
[Craig walks back into his apartment. He grabs the skateboard, lies down on it, and rolls his way into the living room.] [text on screen: The Plank] [He puts his arms to his sides like he's planking as the skateboard rolls into the living room. He stops it, gets up, and sits down in his chair.]
Man, quitting sucks! I quit quitting. I didn't know you had to know from relish. Relish? What is that? [These words appear beside Craig's head as he says them: Relish? What is that? -Craig Benzine]
At least I got to talk to a girl, though. That was awesome! I'll always relish our conversation. Guess now I'll just go back to what I do best. [Grabs skateboard and spins it in front of him as he walks towards kitchen] [text on screen: Topsy-turvy heli crux] [In the kitchen, he rides it before noisily getting off it.]
Craig's job application
In the past 3 years have you had any experience in retail or distribution services? Yes/No. [Craig answered No.]
Within the last twelve (12) months, have you been arrested and/or charged with a crime? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
Have you ever stolen or damaged company property? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
In the past 6 months have you or anyone you know danced in front of a live audience? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
Did that last question confuse you? Yes/No. [Craig answered No.]
Do you have any allergies or health problems? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
If a friend or fellow employee stole something from the store, would you report them? Yes/No. [Craig answered No.]
Have you shopped at our facilities before in the past? Yes/No. [Craig answered No.]
In the past 6 months have you purhcased over $2000 in company merchandise? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
Do you love America? Yes/No. [Craig answered Yes.]
If yes, explain why. [Craig wrote "Yes, I friggin live here.]
What is your favorite animal? [Craig circled A. turtle]
If you did not select eagle, please explain why. [Craig wrote "arrrrrrg"]
Are you sure you love America? Yes/No. [Craig checked the boxes for both Yes and No.]
Tolerance to extreme weather. High/moderate/low. [Craig answered Low.]
Days Available. [On the Mon-Sun calendar, Craig divided Wednesday into halves, put an X in the first half, and below it wrote "Every other."]
What would you say your strengths and weaknesses are? [Craig left this blank.]
What time is it? A. Party time. B. Work time. C. Coffee time. D. Bed time. [Craig circled Coffee time.]
Fun fact: this is not the first video in which Craig quits quitting. See PAPER. Not sure if it's a thing yet, though.
Quitting 101 on YouTube