[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So in yesterday's video I lost my hands, but that's okay. I got new ones. [Holds up his hands] They're a little bit lighter and filled with helium. I've been warned to watch out for wind gusts 'cause they can take off [wind sound] and go.. ohhhhhhh... [his hands seem to be flying upward, bringing his body along with them.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig flies into the sky where the eagle is flying overhead, still wearing Craig's cowboy hat.] Whooaaaa! [His hands get stuck to the eagle, who carries him offscreen.]
[A clone slides in/singing rug, looking upwards and then around. Turns to camera.]
[Quiet Clone starts mumbling quietly:]
Hey beardlovers. It's me, the quiet clone. Yaaaay! How are you today? Tell me in the comments.
Let's talk about the news. [shows headline] Indiana earthquake: a very loud BOOM. [Makes some sounds] Pow. Bam. [Another explosion noise]
Sorry for getting really loud there for a second. That was rude. Inappropriate.
Indiana had an earthquake? It was probably a small one.
[reads from article] 3 point 8 magnitude earthquake.
3 point 8?!! [looks scared] Aaaaaaaaaaa! [As he emits a high-pitched "aaaa" sound, an earthquake happens and books fall from bookshelf behind him.]
Did my voice cause that earthquake?
I guess it's not about the volume. It's about the frequency. [gasps] That means I have a superpower. Aaaaa. [Earthquake. More stuff falls.] Aaaa. [Earthquake. More stuff falls.]
I should only use it for good.
In other news, [shows article] CNN poll voted for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange as the most intriguing person of the year.
Ohhhh. Oh yeah. Woo. So intriguing. Oh wow. Oh. [Focuses on details of the photo of Assange.] Tell me, oh here's a microphone... tell me everything about your stupid life. What's it like to have a French name like Assange as your last name? Is Assange French? I don't know. Sounds French. Oh your hair's so gray. You're like distinguished and crap. Poofy green coat looks really warm. I bet it's really warm, Julian. Hey Julian, look at my iPhone. Look at MY iPhone. It has a white bumper. [Pans to woman in the picture] I wear glasses, and I'm bored as hell.
Most intriguing person of the year, I think, is Craig with a Wig.
[Craig with a Wig sits at kitchen table. The camera stays on him for a few moments even though he doesn't speak.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head and smiles] [toy piano key]
[shows article] Jobless claims drop below 400,000 mark.
[A clone enters in background:] It doesn't change my stupid job of doing stupid chores for stupid original Craig.
I'm sick of your negativity, angsty clone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Earthquake]
[As stuff shakes, angsty clone is shaken towards alligator pit.]
[Angry clone:] Oh! Oh god! I'm gonna fall in the alligator pit. Ohhhh!
[Quiet Clone stops his high-pitched "aaaaa" and earthquake stops:] No. No you're not.
With great power comes great responsibility. Or something.
Aaaaaaaa! [Earthquake. Angsty clone falls over and drops the broom he was holding. Quiet Clone stops and smiles.]
[VIewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hey remember me? It's me, Quiet Clone.
You remember, right?
Oh, oh oh hey, you want a URL? You get a discount from GoDaddy if you follow one of the links below thanks to me. Or original Craig. A dot com for 7.49 or ten percent off anything. Any URL you want like quiet clone is the best clone dot com. real women like it quiet dot com. Sssshhh! Ssshhh dot com. come over to my house and we'll party all night and the neighbors will remain asleep dot com. Links in the doobly-doo.