[slides in/singing rug]
How to make a list of instructions. [A title appears onscreen How To Make A List of Instructions. As he speaks, these steps appear onscreen beside him.] Step one. Pick a topic. Step two. Write down the topic. An example we will use is 'How to make a list of instructions.' Step three. Write down 'Step 1: Pick a topic.' Step four. Write down 'Step 2: Write down the topic. An example we will use is 'How to make a list of instructions." Step five. Write down 'Step 3: Write down 'Step 1: Pick a topic."
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Onscreen, the text reads: Step 316: Funnel all profits thus far into the offshore bank. Craig continues.]
Step 317. Launder the money back into the country using one of the [makes air quotes] "charity organizations" we discussed earlier. Step 318. Enjoy being a billionaire for the rest of your life. [Text: Step 318: You're a billionaire!] I got off topic somewhere.
Try not to get off topic. One trick to remain on topic that I use is to take a look at my new couch! [jumps on the couch] Woo! It's a new couch! It's a new couch! Yeah, I haven't brushed my teeth yet today. I'm gonna go do that. [gets up and walks towards bathroom]
[In the bathroom] How to brush your teeth. [Text appears onscreen: How To Brush Your Teeth. As Craig speaks, the text appears onscreen.] Step one. Grab the toothpaste. Step two. Squeeeeeze the toothpaste! Step three. Quickly grab the toothbrush. Step four. Remember that Step 3 should come before Step 2. Step five. Brush. [Makes sounds as he brushes his teeth. Text onscreen: Mmmgrmrmrmm]
[shows comment by DustinsReality:] Clean your mirror.
[shows comment by DustinsReality:] Clean your mirror.
You said it the second time at the same volume but I heard you. Clean the mirror? I normally have the clones do that but I'll do it. How hard can it be? [Walks up to mirror with a roll of paper towels.] Umm.... I guess hand soap? [Squeezes hand soap onto the paper towel. Wipes the mirror.] Clean.
[sits back down] I can't believe I just did that. You know what, beardlovers? I make a video nearly every weekday with the sole intention of making you [closeup of Craig laughing] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [back to regular shot] Sometimes I succeed but sometimes I really succeed. But with a constant stream of content like that, some things are gonna fall by the wayside. Like a clean mirror. Physical [raises his left arm] cont... [cuts to another shot where he has his right arm raises] ...inuity. Or color. [Everything's tinted orange] Or lighting. [Everything's dark.] Or contininudity. [He doesn't appear to be wearing clothes. There's a black box creating a gap in the frame in the background.] Oh, we haven't finished building the set for this shot yet. [Now the background of the shot's complete. Craig's got his clothes on again. He's hammering the top of the bookshelf.] There we go. Or continuity of... [turns and looks where his new couch used to be. The space is empty.] Oh my god! Where's my new couch? [It pops back into place.] Okay, that's better. Or continuity of thought. Or meaning. Or any sense whatsoever.
Well, continuity of smell is usually pretty good. [Sniffs himself. Makes a grossed-out face.] Well, by good, I mean consistent.
As long as I'm bringing a steady stream of [closeup of Craig laughing] HAHAHAHAHA [back to regular shot] that's all I'm concerned with. I just wanna make your day a little brighter.
My meaninglessness and messiness help to show that I'm a disorganized idiot. And that should make you feel good about you.
I could scale it back and make one perfect video a week [Text onscreen: *I can't guarantee it would be any better.], and that video would be the best thing you've ever seen, with lasers and leprechauns and romance and lasers and intrigue and... [A leprechaun scurries up to Craig's mouth.] Pffff... ah! [The leprechaun is propelled away.] We have leprechauns. They're always after my gold teeth.
But that would just be one video a week. Look how horribly that's working out for FreddieW. Wouldn't you rather have way too many? The point is... I'm never cleaning that FRIGGIN' MIRROR AGAIN! I HATED THAT!
Speaking of karaoke, when you look at me, what do you think? Rihanna, right? Well, I sang some Rihanna karaoke. [Shot of Craig singing into a mic and dancing:] When the sun shines, we'll shine together...
Do you consider yourself as good a singer as me? Just kidding. That's impossible. Almost as good? Well, you have a chance to win 10,000 dollars and be the opening act for VH1's Save the Music in LA in Spring. [Craig appears to not be wearing clothes again.] You need the Sing 4 Nintendo Wii video game and you need to go to the Sing 4 YouTube channel [points to clickable annotation] for all the rules and to submit your videos. You should probably wear a shirt too.
[clothed again] There's also more video of me singing Rihanna over there. It's what the world needs.
[Viewer-submitted domino outro with Craig singing outro theme]
[Winker, who's outside:] I think the... [shot of cup of coffee. Viewer propels himself through the sky towards coffee. Lands in his house. Sips coffee.] I love it when the coffee's done. [Winks (ding)]
My meaningless and messiness help to show that I'm a disorganized idiot. And that should make you feel good about yourself.
singing rug, beardlovers, new couch, comments, leprechaun, wink, outtakes
Craig's reference to FreddieW is the first time he's talked about FreddieW on his main channel. He frequently refers to Freddie in the making-of videos that appear on wheezynews.
There is a note in the doobly-doo: "This video was made for Tuesday. Had to wait to put it up until Wednesday morning. Proper Wednesday video will be coming later." The 'proper Wednesday video' is the following video, posted later on the same day, 7 Billion.
Quantity vs Less Quantity on YouTube
WheezyWaiter for Sing4