In response to my last movie "The Lottery," Gordon Edwards writes, "Hmm... Is he trying to tell us he killed himself in a video so he doesn't have to make anymore? Because if he does we'll be like, [Wheezy uses a funny voice:] 'You're dead....'"
Well, Mr. Gordon Edward, I'm not sure you intended for the Jimmy Stewart impression but, no, I'm in fact alive. That might have been a Mr. Ed impression. [replays the clip of him saying 'You're dead' while reading the comment]. Yeah... Anyway, time travel doesn't exist. Turns out I was on crystal meth.
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under the July calendar intro. 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week...' An original song by Kyle and Kristen about Good News Tuesday plays over the intro.]
Thank you for another song, Kyle and Kristen. [Shows a picture of the two of them with Justin in the background. Puts a red X over Justin.]
Some good news today. [headline] "Obama-Clinton ticket is seen as unlikely." Why is this good news? Because then it's seen as more likely that I'm right. [Flashes back to a black and white clip labeled June 6 2008 in which Craig says:] I don't think it should be Hillary Clinton. Is picking the wife of a former president as vice president change? [Back to Wheezy today:] Told you so! Plus when women get our highest orifices ... I mean offices... it's more competition and less likely that I'll get it. [Flashes back to a black and white clip labeled '35 seconds ago' in which Wheezy says:] Turns out I was on crystal meth. [Back to Wheezy now:] That probably won't help either.
So to recap, Clinton was all, [speaking in a high funny voice:] Boy I'm a shoo-in for that there White House. And Barack's like, that bitch don't know what's coming. Michelle, fist bump!
In other news, I bought a new shirt. [holds up a shirt] I have to look nice when I talk to clients. So in those cases, I look like this.
[Wheezy in different clothes:] Well, what do you think?
[Wheezy in his regular clothes enters the room:] Jerk! [punches the clone and leaves.]
Well, let's see, in other good news, [headline] "House apologizes for slavery, 'Jim Crow' injustices." While it is good news that the House apologized for something that happened in the 1800s, that means we have to wait another 200 years before they apologize for George Bush. I did not just compare George Bush to slavery and the Jim Crow laws! Dayum!
And finally, in other great news for me, I have an advance copy of the fifth season of The Wire. If you haven't seen The Wire, you need to watch it. It's really good. Really good! I'll post a link below on wheezywaiter dot com to one of the greatest scenes in television history. A lotta swearing so wear your headphones. I love this show! I love this show! I talk about it a lot. People often say to me, Hey Craig, why the *ding* do you love this sh*ding*y show so much, ass? Ass! Ugly ass! And I usually respond, Mom, it's just really good.
[A clone rises up behind Craig and says:] Hey, don't talk about Mom that way! [punches Craig]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[Nate winks (ding) and raises his eyebrows twice (boing boing)]
beardlovers, comments, Good News Day Tuesday, headlines, clone, *ding*, wink
The clip from an older video comes from The Magnificent Levin.
Punch Drunk Hate on YouTube