[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig is pacing, on the phone. TV is on.] Yeah, no, I don't want to do that. I'm real busy today. [Sitting in the chair, staring at ceiling. Watching TV:] Oooh, I'm gonna have to buy that. [strumming guitar] Oh this cord is so good. I'm gonna be the Michael Jordan of music. [notices camera] Oh hey beardlovers. Sorry about all that procrastination.
Sometimes there's a certain task that we have to do but we avoid it by doing other menial work. I've been meaning to dust off my TV screen.
[Walks in with a roll of paper towels and Windex. Walks up to the TV] Okay, getting things done. Huh. This Windex bottle is dirty. [Sprays Windex on paper towel. Uses paper towel to clean Windex bottle] Oh, now this paper towel is dirty. [Sprays Windex on another paper towel and uses it to clean the first paper towel] I need some water. [Drinks some water, spills a little] Oh, now my shirt's wet. I'll go throw this in the dryer. [Walks out and then back in a second later] I'm all out of fabric softener. Oh, the floor's wet. [Wiping up floor with paper towel] Kinda dusty too. [Sweeping floor. Sweeps whole room.] I guess I'll mop while I'm at it. I'm all out of mopping cloths. Gotta run to the grocery store. I should make a list. [sits down with pen and paper] Let's see, what do I need? What do we all need? We need love. Friendship. [writing:] And then she sang, come back because the angels cry your name. The end. I just wrote a novel. I think Judge Judy's going to be on soon. [watches TV] Agh, the TV's so dusty! I hate my life! But not as much as I love Judge Judy.
That was just a reenactment. I myself am not a procrastinator.
You think I just set myself up for a joke where I unknowingly reveal that I am a procrastinator, don't you? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Wait for it.
Oh, I better get going. I have a dentist appointment for the first time in eight years.
There it is! You are guilty of being a procrastinator just as much as anyone, Wheezy Waiter. [laughs. sighs.]
Yep it's been a while. How many cavities do you think I'll have? Oh *shirt* it's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagel holding his jaw. Craig walks up to him.]
[Craig's boss:] I have a toothache.
[Craig:] Why don't you go to the dentist?
[Craig's boss:] Ohhh, what with the economic downturn these days, I just can't seem to make ends meet.
[Craig thinks for a second, nods, and punches his boss. His boss goes flying. Craig picks up the bagel.]
edlippincott, you've been procrastinating on that wink cake I ordered. Get it done. It'll make you happy.
[Winker's palm is extended and empty. As he winks (ding), a cake appears in his hand. He smiles. Then frowns.]
[Craig:] What's wrong, Ed? Oh, you're procrastinating again. Blow out your candle.
[Winker blows out the candle. Smiles.]
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[Wheezy's boss lies on the floor. He spits out a tooth and speaks:] Thank you.
beardlovers, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink
Procraigstination on YouTube