[slides in/singing rug]
[Talks in a high-pitched sped up voice] Hey beardlovers. I recorded this intro while talking low and slow. And then I sped it up in the editing process. Now I wish to juggle. Here we go.
[Juggling] Wow. Look at how fast I can juggle. These must be quantum potatoes or something. Huh. Now I want to eat a cookie.
[Eats cookie] Mmm. Mmm. This cookie is delicious. Mmm. Yum. Mmm. SO GOOD! MMM! THIS COOKIE IS SO GOOD!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, Happy Australia Day.
Come on, you knew. You knew. Come on. Pull your shrimp out of your barbie. That didn't make any sense. Yet it seemed gross at the same time. Just like me!
You know Australia, that country that has that gorgeous opera house that looks like three dolphins humping each other.... uh... giving piggy back rides?
Why do we call it piggy backing anyway? A person riding on the back of another person, albeit a rambunctious good time, has nothing to do with a pig.
A pig does not have a body conducive to backing. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: A pig does not have a body conducive to backing. -Craig Benzine]
It's more like a piggy slide. See? [In a graphic, a stick figure jumps onto the back of a pig and slides off.] Thankfully the spiky hair broke his fall.
That reminds me of pork sliders. Yum.
Don't believe my little example? Try jumping on a pig yourself. Go on. I'll wait. [long pause] Did you do it? Couldn't do it, could you? Now you're all muddy. Clean yourself up. Not in here. Go to the barn!
So from now on, we don't call it piggy backing. Let's call it people backing. Good. Done. People are saying it now. It's working its way into our lexicon. It's commonplace. I'm bored with it. Let's go back to piggy.
But now we're all used to people back. How do I popularize piggy again? With a hit song!
[Music starts. It's the music for the song 'Sexy Back']
I'm bring piggy back.
Them people backers don't know how to stack.
You're pig special when riding my back.
I'll take it slow to make sure you don't yack.
[Chyna hops on Craig's back and he spins around.]
[Craig hops on Chyna's back. She starts laughing, takes a couple of steps and collapses on the couch, laughing.]
So... yeah. Happy... Australia Day.
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) wink (ding)]
So a couple of things. Free shipping for orders of 30 dollars or more of my t-shirts through January 30th. More info in the doobly-doo.
Also for the past few weeks, you may have noticed I have not met my goal of four videos or more per week. Hehehehe. I lost Craig with a Wig, and I was distraught. Lost, distraught. But he's back, so we're good. But I did say I would get punished if I didn't meet my goal.
So if you'd like to let me know how I should be punished, go to my website.
That's right. I have a completely newly designed website. My latest post will be this video. Leave a comment on that post and let me know how I should be punished.
[talking in the sped-up voice] Now I wish to juggle again. [juggles] Oh my gosh. I'm so talented. Wow. I impress myself... [drops one of the potatoes] I dropped it. I dropped it.
[Graphic of the stick figure jumping on the back of a pig and sliding off]