[slides in/singing rug] [puts his mouth right up to camera]
Hey beardlovers. [camera lens is fogged up by his breath] [backs up/singing rug] What's going on? Smoke? Fire! [gets up and runs into kitchen. Comes back in as lens fog disappears] Ohhhh, fog on the lens. I probably shouldn't have dialed 911. [sirens outside] Quick response time! Well, don't wanna be embarrassed. [flicks lighter to set his chair and then his bed on fire]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Turns out that ambulance wasn't for me. Phew! It's a good thing the ambulance doesn't show up when I dial 912. 911, I mean. Did I dial 912? That would explain a lot.
[Craig, walking outside:] Ooh, it's a little chilly out. [dialing phone] 9-4-5.
[Craig, driving his car:] Oh. Brakes are making a funny noise. [dials phone] 4-1-1.
[singing as he drives:] Hoo hoo, and I know you're mine... man, I wish new Weezer was as good as old Weezer. [dials phone] 1-2-3.
In the comments, acroaticlee writes [shows comment] "Peter the Great, czar of Russia, required men (and possibly women) by law to be clean-shaven, and even went as far as to enact a tax on all beards. I would like to propose a moment of silence."
Well, I would like to propose a moment of screaming interrogative pronouns. WHAT?! WHEN?! WHERE?! Okay, when and where are interrogative proadverbs. Nyah.
Looks like Peter the Great should be known as Peter the [makes air quotes] "not so great." Burn!
But it doesn't burn as much as your face during a Russian winter. It's Russia. They have four seasons - cold, icebox, I hate life, and spring. You're welcome to challenge my astute observation about Russian weather in the comments but you're not welcome to prove me wrong.
Look. I drew a rough map of Russia. [holds up a drawing he made of Russia] I say rough, but I spent about four hours on it. Look familiar? I bet it does!
[Title on screen: 4 hours later]
Look. [holding up drawing of Russia which now has a face above it] The country itself is a beard. Hey, Peter the Great, when you deny your country a beard, you deny your country a country.
I think that's all I'll say about Peter the Not So Great.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] Except that I hate him so so so much based on this one issue because I know very little about him. [turns back to main camera angle]
ermzgracieisawesome writes [shows comment] "Why is it so fun to watch Wheezy hurt himself and fail?"
Hurt myself and fail? I don't do that. [notices doorway] Ooh, I really wanna touch the top of that doorway. [gets up and jumps up to touch top of kitchen doorway but doesn't touch it and sails through air, falling instead into the kitchen] Ouch! I hurt myself. And failed.
You saw that one coming a million miles away, didn't you? Fail. [pounds fist on desk] Ouch.
Is the coffee done? I think the coffee's done. And I'm gonna go get it sarcastically. Because [sarcastic] I love it when the coffee's done. [Gets up, goes to kitchen, and returns with coffee, making various sarcastic noises along the way] [sarcastic] Yay! [sips and says sarcastically] Oh yeah! That's delicious. [suppresses sarcastic laughter]
alereknightfall writes [shows comment] "That recliner... we have two of those... both have broken down at the rotary part. Be warned, o keeper of the beard."
Oh really? I should probably do something about that. [picks up phone and dials] 9-4-2 [recliner turns towards him and rocks]
[Title on screen: and now it's time for a Wheezy Wink]
[Paul (the winker) winks (ding) and sings an outro theme. A small version of the Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro graphic is visible.]
[Craig leans to camera so his mouth is right next to it. He breathes on it. The lens fogs up.] Whoa! [does a stoner laugh] It's foggy, man.