[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Today's September 2nd. [Behind him, there's a sound as his Wheezy Waiter coffee mug teleports around his bookshelf.] What the...? Giant teleporting bearded coffee mug? [Gets up and hurries over the bookshelf where he stands watching for a moment before he grabs the mug.] Got it! Oh! [He is teleported with the mug a few times. He cries out as he is moved around his living room and against the kitchen table.] Gaah! Oh! Nyaaah! Oooh! [Teleported to a new spot and suddenly not wearing a shirt.] Where'd my shirt go? [continues being teleported around] Ah, shirt's back. [on couch] Ah, new couch. [Turns into a gorilla.] Now I'm a gorilla. [sitting at kitchen table as himself again] In the chair. [Wearing boxers ] No pants? [Kneeling, crying, and cradling the coffee mug in the living room again.] Make it stop!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Taping something to his wall.] I can't believe I was a gorilla. [The mug, back on the bookshelf, teleports again up a couple of shelves.] Bop! [Points to sign, which reads "No teleporting." The mug teleports back to its original spot.] That's better.
Guess what? It's time for another edition of [Many Craig voices say the name of this segment as Craig points to the words that appear one by one on screen as a title:] Wheezy Waiter is Stoopid. [Audience applauds. Craig claps too.]
So a number of you pointed out that yesterday I said something that was stupid.
[Black and white footage of video labeled onscreen as "yesterday"] First you need to know that water is a bad choice. You hit it just as hard as pavement, and then you drown.
See? Right there. That was the stupid part. The part that was stupid.
Apparently in an episode of Mythbusters, they proved that the body sustains more damage when it hits pavement than water.
But wait a second. Is that true? I'll believe it when I do something stupid to prove it.
[Craig is standing at the faucet as he fills a pot with water.] Just gettin' water.
[The pot is now on the kitchen table. Craig stands next to it, his fist poised above the pot. He smashes his fist into the pot of water. Now outside, Craig blows on his fingertips, makes a fist and pounds his fist into the pavement.] Owwww! Ah, you're right. You're right. [gets up] Wheezy Waiter is stupid. [Title appears onscreen: Wheezy Waiter Is Stoopid] [Audience applauds]
[Back inside, rubbing his fist.] Ow ow ow. Oh, wrong hand. [Rubs his other fist.] Owww. Still... don't go chasin' waterfalls. You'll friggin' drown. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Don't go chasin' waterfalls. You'll friggin' drown. -Craig Benzine]
I'm not sure if the possibility of the impact of the water knocking you out and causing you to drown [replays footage of him punching water] is worse than the impact on the pavement causing you to ouch. [Replays footage of him punching the pavement.]
I'm also not sure if that's gum on the sidewalk [an arrow and a question mark point to a spot on the sidewalk] but could someone please remove it, PLEASE? Maybe you could put it in that bottle. [arrow points a bottle in the gutter.] And then put that cap on it. [Arrow points to a cap on the sidewalk.] And then catch up on some light reading. [Arrow points to a newspaper or something in the gutter.] Need a reading snack? Here's some other gum. [An arrow points to "Other Gum" on the sidewalk] But whatever you do, don't open that. [Arrow points to something else on sidewalk.] Don't open that! [Text onscreen: DO NOT OPEN!]
This is good. I feel like we're accomplishing a lot. In a very timely manner. It's dark out.
Heh. [black and white clips accompany what follows:] Remember at the beginning of the video when I had that mishap with the teleportation mug and then I turned into a gorilla and I took my pants off - again - and then I put up that teleportation sign and declared that I'm stupid? Showed me in black and white, punched water and pavement, quoted myself again, made commentary about the litter in Chicago, complained about it being dark and then I reminisced about this video?
By saying [black and white clips] Heh. Remember at the beginning of the video when I had that mishap with the teleportation mug and then it turned into a gorilla and then I took my pants off - again...
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
And then I reminisced about this video by saying, Hey, remember at the beginning of the... whoa! Sorry. I was in a loop there.
Guess what? There's a Wheezy Waity... Waity... Guess what? There's a Wheezy Waiter Wiki right now. Go to wheezywaiter dot info to check it out and read everything I've ever said online. Thank you Martha for putting it together.
Guess what? There's currently a sale on my Wheezy shoes. [holds up Wheezy shoe] Not like an assail, like a violent attack, but a discount. Check it out. Link in the doobly-doo.
And we've still gotta get that video at amazon dot com slash intel to 200,000 views so Intel donates 25 thousand dollars to donorschoose dot org. Please just go watch please. [The mug teleports in the background. Craig sighs in exasperation.]
singing rug, beardlovers, giant teleporting bearded coffee mug, new couch, Wheezy Waiter is Stupid, Craig quotes, wink, Wheezy shoe, doobly-doo
Pavement vs Water on Youtube