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WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 536
Original Upload date August 3, 2011
Running time 0:03:48
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by louisfoulkes
Great People
Guests: Jeff Samuels
Matt Weber
Sam Grant
audience in Portland
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Competition 101"
Next →
"127 Minutes"



[shot of street in Portland]
There are tons of trees in Portland! I could probably throw this rock with my eyes closed and hit one. [Throws rock. Sound of breaking glass. Sound of car crash. Some people run past Craig. He runs away from camera too. Explosion in front of camera. Sound of crying baby.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So we had a lot of fun in Portland...
[Jeff:] Better duck!
[Craig:] What?
[Jeff grabs Craig's head and pushes it down. An explosion happens right where Craig's head was.]
[Craig:] Wow!
[Jeff:] You're welcome.
[Craig:] Thank you... oh... thank you.
[Jeff:] Bless you. [Craig sneezes.]
[Jeff:] Wow. No excuse me?
[Craig burps.]
[Jeff:] Rude.
So I'm thinking about starting up this new thing called Explosion Wednesday. What do you guys think?
[Sam:] No [shakes head] yeah [nods].
[Matt:] Yes! No! I don't know.
So we had a fantastic show in Portland last night. EXPLOSION flashback! [Shot of Portland audience waving and cheering.] Thanks to the coffee shop we played at, Twin Paradox.
I had a delicious coffee drink called the ATOM SPLITTER, which BLEW my mind. It had coconut cream in it, which left me CREMATED! Tonight, August 3rd, we play in Seattle at Studio Seven, 7:30 PM.
We tried to get a show in Boise, Idaho but we couldn't so we're gonna have a gathering at Julia Davis Park tomorrow night at 7:30 PM. We'd like to play an acoustic set for you so if someone could maybe bring some acoustic guitars for us to play? We don't have acoustic guitars in the midwest. Change of the seasons or something. Warps the wood. And we need louder noises to make it through the winter or we all just fall asleep. And we're all partially deaf from all the loud cheese factories. And we figure they'll just get burned up in another Chicago fire. And we all HATE Ani DiFranco. And we all love Yngwie Malmsteen. Plus the holes in acoustic guitars remind us of the gaping void that is our life. [Banjo face]
Speaking of holes, it's time to check the one in my pants. [shot of his jeans] The hole is gone! [dun dun dun music] Oh yeah, different pants.
It's good to have more than one pair of pants. You're less likely to back down if someone dares you to pee them. [These words appear beside him as he says them: It's good to have more than one pair of pants. You're less likely to back down if someone dares you to pee them. -Craig Benzine]
[Matt:] Hey, I dare you to pee your pants.
[Sam:] No problem. [Sam drinks from giant water bottle.] I dare you to pee your pants.
[Matt:] Easy peasy. And I don't even have another pair of pants. [Sound of an explosion] Oop! Number two.
[Sam:] You should probably get that checked.... checked out.
Side note. Why do we call 'em pants? Why the plural? I'm not wearing shirts. This isn't hats. [points to a picture of a hat.] I'm not wearing thongs. From now on, it's pant. If someone asks me for pants, they're getting at least two pant.
[Sam:] Oh, hey, can you... uh... can you hand me those pants?
[Craig:] Oh sure. [Craig hands him a pant.]
[Sam:] Oh thank you, man. Good times. Good pants. [Craig throws another pant at Sam's face.]
Speaking of clothes, we finally got to wash ours at a friend's house in Portland. Matt was very happy about it.
[Matt walks into kitchen with a big pile of laundry, singing to himself:] Clean laundry, cleaning the laundry, yeah. [Drops the pile of laundry on floor.] Clean laundry. [Puts on a sock.] It's so clean.
[Craig is lying on the floor.] Hey Matt.
[Matt:] What.... where's your other sock? [Closeup of Craig who's wearing a sock on one foot but not wearing a sock on the other.]
[Ripple effect to laundry room as Matt walks in, singing:] Clean laundry, [Title on screen: 30 seconds ago. Craig opens dryer, still singing.] Clean laundry, yeah. [His phone rings. He answers it.] Hello? Yeah, just taking out my clean laundry. [As Matt turns his back to the dryer for a moment, Craig leans in and throws a sock into the dryer with a funny expression on his face.] You know how much I hate dirty laundry. [Craig retreats.] Wait, who is this? Don't ever call here again! [hangs up, puts phone in his pocket, sings:] Clean laundry, cleaning it, looks so clean. [Ripple effect back to the present. Foghorn sound over closeup of sock Matt just put on.]
[Matt:] Ohhhh! Not good! Not good at all!
[Craig:] Haha! Yeah! Rawk sawk! [Makes rock sign to camera. Title on screen: Rawk Sawk!]
[Viewer sings outro theme. Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
A couple more things to mention. There's a new Rise of the Planet of the Apes promo trailer. Link right there. [points to clickable annotation] Movie comes out in two days. Also, episode five of Platoon of Power Squadron is out now! They're already on Part 3. Click here [points to PoPS logo on his shirt, which has an annotation over it.] Click here to go to Part 1. And again we're playing tonight in Seattle. Gathering in Boise tomorrow. And then we're playing in Provo the next day. There's one more thing I was gonna say. What was it? [long pause. Explosion.] Oh yeah.

Recurring elements

Driftless Pony Club (DPC), tour video, Explosion Wednesday, banjo face, Craig quotes, side note, Rawk Sawk!, wink, Platoon of Power Squadron

External links

Pant on YouTube