Panda Express Myself

From Wheezy Wiki

Video

Transcript

[Craig jumps down from top of the frame. Sound of machine in background.]
Oh. [unintelligible] attached. There it is. [grabs keys and looks up] Thanks guys. [to camera:] Locked my keys in the house. Luckily I got a friend who's a crane operator. And I also have no roof. I swear. I'd forget my own head sometimes... if my brain wasn't the central part of my nervous system and all of my vertebrae and i could survive without it. I suppose I could forget my head if my brain was in my foot or something. Let's all be thankful we don't have foot brain.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey beardlovers. How's your Thursday? You having a happy Thursday? Me too. Been crying a lot. I told myself I wasn't going to say that. This is awkward.
I'm sorry I made it awkward.
Change the subject.
In neutral objective news, the Hubble space telescope caught a rare glimpse of two asteroids colliding. Now I'm no scientist, but I consider asteroids a hobby. And I drew a visual aid. It probably looked something like that. [holds up drawing he drew of two asteroids colliding, the Hubble telescope, and an alien ship.] [fighting back tears as he holds drawing up for a few moments]
In other news that distracts from my feelings, the Oscar nominees for 2010 have been announced. The nominees for Best Picture are...
[turns to alternate camera angle, very upset:] We're sending the pandas away to China! Why are we doing that? They're so adorable! I mean, look at 'em. [holds up a drawing he made of the two pandas] Mei Lan and Tai Shan are like the ... oh, that's mixed up... [lowers his drawing to amend it. Holds it back up with names switched under the two pandas] Tai Shan and Mei Lan are like children to me! Or brothers! Or sisters! Or whatever gender they are! [crying] Cut away to a picture! I don't want 'em to see me like this.
[picture of a panda] [audio of Craig sobbing]
Cut to another picture. I'm not done crying yet.
[graphic of two pandas] [Audio of Craig sobbing some more]
Okay I'm done. [turns back to main camera angle]
Nothing like a hearty wet sob to quell your soul-crushing agony. I think I smell the coffee. I love it when the coffee's done. [gets up and flies through the air towards the kitchen. sound of wind as he flies. Lands in front of the kitchen door.]
[When he opens the kitchen door, the music is still going. The partygoers are laughing and seem kind of out of it. Matt is playing with maracas, wearing a wig and pink hat and whispering to himself. Someone is blowing a noisemaker. Amelia is wearing the giant fist on her arm.]
[Amelia:] Hulk smash!
[Matt comes up to Steve's table:] I really like this music. It's really good. I really like it. [Steve nods back at him.] You're doing a really good job. I'm really proud of you. I want to know you. [Steve shakes his head no at Matt.] That's okay. I really like you. I'll be watching you.
[Sam is playing with a lizard toy with an extendable tongue]
[A female partygoer is wearing a helmet that says Dance Commander. She tries to drink beer but can't get it to her lips within the helmet.]
[Steve hands Craig the coffee mug. He hits the alarm button again a few times.]
[Steve:] Yo, can I get some drink tickets?
[Craig closes the kitchen door. He has a can of beer inside of his coffee mug.]
When's this party going to be over? I suppose alcohol is another way to deal with your feelings. [sips beer] No, there's actually coffee in there.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtakes:]
[Crying and taking big sobbing gasps of air] Okay I'm done.

Recurring elements

removable roof, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", kitchen party, wink, outtakes

External links

Panda Express Myself on YouTube