[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey facelovers. [holds up a lampshade] This lampshade's broken. Guess I'll just set it down right here. [puts it on floor] [smells milk] Eww, this milk's really bad. Back to the fridge with you. [holding a coupon] When am I ever going to need a coupon for diapers? I'll set that right there just in case. [puts it down]
I recently had an interesting conversation with a friend at a bar.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side]
[Clone speaking to bartender off camera:] I'll have a nice cold one. [looks through wallet] Man, I always lose all my bills in here. They get mixed up in all the receipts.
[Craig:] Why do you have all those receipts?
[Clone:] Well, I save them after I deposit money in the ATM. Make sure it worked.
[Craig:] Well then when it works, why don't you throw them away?
[Clone:] Well then I forget which one it is.
[Craig:] Your wallet is huge. How do you sit on that?
[Clone:] My ass has been perfectly indented to the optimum comfort level. And if I throw all the receipts away, my wallet will fall out of my pants.
[Craig:] Get new pants.
[Clone:] Then the pocket's too small. It takes months to perfectly align my pants and my ass to my wallet.
[Craig:] Do you ever throw the receipts away?
[Clone:] Yeah, a little bit at a time.
[Craig:] And do you ever accidentally lose bills?
[Craig:] Well, you're losing money doing this.
[Clone:] Uh uh uh. Not as much as it costs to buy new pants.
[Clone:] Ah, thank you. [leans forward for drink out of frame] Mmmm. Yum yum. Get drunk. Yum. Hey little lady, you look pretty good. Check out this receipt. Daddy's rich.
[Craig:] I need new friends.
Do yourself a favor. Learn to throw stuff away.
[holding a tube of toothpaste] It's impossible to get more toothpaste out of this. I'll just set it down here. You never know. You never know. [holds up battery] This battery is dead. Just put that in my pocket.
Alright, ianswertobob, I hope you've been throwing things away because now you have to find a wink.
[winker:] Just a second. [looks in trash] Nope. [looks in freezer] Nope. [looks in oven] Nope. [looks in microwave] Nope. [checks pocket] Nope. I think I remember where I put it! [wink (ding)]
[Craig:] Yeah, they tend to be on the face.
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[holds up a box of tampons] Probably don't need these.
facelovers, clone, "get drunk!", wink
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