[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Let's get this intro over with quick because [turns to Opinion Cam:] intros are stupid! People who do intros need to get with the program! [turns back to main camera] Literally. [Laughs. Audience laughter. Waves at audience, who laugh.] Who... who let that guy in? I told security to not let that guy in. He looks at me funny when I'm performing. See, look, he's doing it right now. He's doing... oh... he's not doing it now 'cause we're looking at him. [Shot from behind. We see Craig staring at a white wall.] Worst part about videoblogging is dealing with all these people. [gestures to the wall]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, normally I don't talk about...
[A clone leans into frame:] Hey! You should do a song today!
[Craig:] No! I'm not gonna do a song! [Turns to Opinion Cam] Music's stupid!
[Turns back to main camera angle] So. Normally a topic I don't talk about is sports. The reason is [turns to Opinion Cam] sports is so stupid!
[Turns to main camera angle] The only sport I really liked to watch was cheerleading. [shows article] But now a judge in Connecticut declared that not a sport. It was because the university wanted to cut volleyball but they would still meet gender requirements because cheerleading was a sport. Now cheerleading's not a sport. And volleyball lives on. 2 4 6 3... make sure you have gender equity.
I thought I enjoyed sports but apparently now I'm just a creep.
But not anymore! Well, yes, I'm still a creepy weirdo but there's another sport that just got a whole lot cooler.
Well my father's father's daughter's daughter, which is my cousin, has a husband, which is my cousin-in-law, wow, I could have saved us a lot of time... his name's James Ignacio. He does music. Link in the doobly-doo.
[Clone leans in:] You do music sometimes.
[Craig:] No! I'm not doing a stupid song!
Well, he tweeted a link. [shows tweet] Sounds gross. It's not, though. To an article about this baseball guy named Brian Wilson, which makes this sport a whole lot cooler. Here, I'll show you why. [picture of Wilson] [Craig gapes in amazement.] [Camera zooms in on Wilson's beard in the picture.] [Craig, wearing a baseball hat, poses.] [Picture of Wilson] I rest my case.
In the article, one of his teammates refers to him as B-Weeze.
Hmm. I think I know someone else who has a name like that. I'll ponder that one for a long period of time til I figure it out. [pauses and thinks for a moment] I give up.
In other random news, [shows headline] Experts: Huge space tourism expansion just months away.
People can pay to go to space now. [sarcastically:] Whoopadeedoo. [Turns to Opinion Cam] Space is stupid in my opinion!! [Turns to main camera angle] That's all it is. Space. It's emptiness. The only thing cool about it is weightlessness. But I've achieved that in my apartment. Check it out.
[Craig standing in his apartment] Alright, you gotta close your eyes and I'll tell you when to open them and then close them again. Ready? No video tricks being used. [Jumps] Open 'em close 'em! [Lands.] See? I was floating.
And that's why space is stupid.
[Clone leans in:] Hey, you gonna do a song today?
[Craig:] No! I'm not gonna do a song!!! Why do you keep asking me that?!!!
[sniffs] 4 3 2 1... Oh my god, the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done!
You know what? Let's see if I'm right. I'll jump into space on my way to the coffee. [Jumps. In space, the Earth rotates as the music from 2001 plays. Craig's palm is visible at bottom of frame.] Oh my god, I'm in space! [A flying saucer goes by. Craig comes back from the kitchen and sits, looks up.] Meh. [Sips coffee.] So I was reading on CNN...
[Clone leans into frame:] Is it song time yet?
[Clone:] Is it song time?
[Craig:] No, clone!! I'm not doing a song today and probably never again [holds up guitar] 2 3 4...
I don't wanna sing a song today
What's there to sing about anyway?
I don't wanna sing,
I don't wanna play,
I don't give a *shirt*
[turns to Opinion Cam]
Is so stupid!!
[turns back to main camera angle]
[turns to Opinion Cam]
Oh my god it's so stupid
Oh god [growls]
[Main camera angle]
I won't sing about pants,
I won't sing about romance,
Or the time that Lance [picture of Lance Armstrong]
Won the Tour de France.
I won't sing about girls, [picture of Scarlett Johansson]
I won't sing about pizza,
I won't sing about the time I wore hats on my feets-a [Craig's got hats on his feet]
Hats belong on your head.
And so is music.
[Viewer:] Eeeeeeee.... [text on screen: 71.4 seconds] [Viewer exhales deeply and winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hey, you wanna stare at my ridiculous face some more? You can click here to watch a video collaboration I did with this YouTube channel called Apartment Red. [points to clickable annotation] Check it out. Over here. [moves his finger] Over here. [moves his finger] It's also in the doobly-doo. [points down]
Also if you haven't leaved a Supernote... leaved? Also, if you haven't left a Supernote yet, please do it. Click this link [points to annotation] to go leave a video response Supernote. Please! I think Shay Carl has found out about us. His lead is growing. He can't win two years in a row. That's ridiculous. We have to crush him. Love you, Shay.
Experts. Huge space tourism expansion just months away. Months. Monthssss. Burps. [Burps]
101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, laugh track, clone, headlines, doobly-doo, "I love it when the coffee's done!", song, *shirt*, Scarlett Johansson, Supernote, wink, collab video, outtakes
The collaboration video Craig did with Apartment Red is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpLdGi0YeF0
Opinions 101 on YouTube