[slides in/singing rug]
Hello beardlovers. Here's a Wheezy tip. If you want to be an effective video blogger, you have to talk as if someone's sitting right there in front of you as opposed to a blank wall.
[Voice from off camera, in front of Craig:] You said this was gonna be fun.
Shut up, clone! They don't know my secrets.
[Clone, sitting in front of Craig, against the wall, under the lamp:] This light's hot. [touches it] Ow!
Well then don't touch it!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So today I read in the news that ... [turns head and looks back to his bookshelf] Oh, that light shining on my bookshelf is beautiful! Rack focus. [Racks focus to focus in on the bookshelf] I'm gonna check that out. [Gets up and stands on a chair to be in the beautiful shaft of light. Angelic music plays. He ducks down, out of the shaft of light. Stands up, into the light, and the angelic music starts again. He ducks, and the music stops.]
I think I just saw the future.
If the future is the sun engulfing the earth, which, let's be honest, is probably bullcrap.
[The fiery sun enters Craig's apartment and looms over him] No it's not! No it's not! Okay! Okay! Hot! Hot! [The sun retreats] Yeah, it might be. [The sun returns.] Whoa, no it's not.
So in important news, Time Magazine reported on [shows headline] top ten oddball celebrity-branded products.
You want oddball? I'll show you oddball. [holds up pink baseball] Get it? Cause it's a baseball but it's pink? And I don't actually get it.
These weird products made me think I need some of my own but I'm gonna give them to you for free. Well, tell you how to make them anyway. Nothing's free. Except freedom.
And freedom isn't free.
Well then I guess nothing's free. Except nothing.
Nothing doesn't exist.
Oh, really? What about this? [points to a black box on screen]
Grr! Let's move on! [shows article] Jessica Simpson has her own hair extension product so your hair can look like hers.
You want your hair to look like mine? Well now I'm offering the Wheezy hair reducer. [holds up razor. Turns it on. Touches his forehead.]
[shows article] Lady Gaga has a perfume line so you can smell like her. Preferably not when she's wearing meat.
That's ridiculous. Nobody wants to smell like Lady Gaga. They want to smell like me. Here's how.
[The clone in front of Craig sneezes] Sorry. Sorry.
First, ginger ale. Then you're gonna need some roast beef. Make sure it's from the deli. Thin slices. Throw in an old head of lettuce. Preferably two weeks. How comfortable are you with alligator feces? On second thought, I think I'll keep my smells to myself.
[A clone enters behind him:] Says you! Whew!! [waves hand in front of his face] Haha. That's gotta hurt.
[Craig:] You're my clone. You smell the same way.
[Clone:] Says me! Whew! [waves hand in front of his face] Haha. That's gotta hurt.
[Craig:] You don't understand insults, do you?
[Clone:] No. No, I don't.
[shows article] Shaquille O'Neal had the video game Shaq-Fu.
Well, I'm doing a reality video game Prank House. Link in the doobly-doo. And I may do an extensive interactive YouTube fighting game in the future. But for now, click here to see me punch right. [A clickable annotation appears: my right] Click here to see me punch left. [Another clickable annotation appears: my left] Or just wait. You can do it multiple times. Ready? [Punches to his right] [Punches to his left] That's it.
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
Hi. It's me, the guy before the outro music and graphic. hi9880 writes [shows comment] I miss Ty the Regular Guy. [Craig then mimics the emoticon expression at the end of the comment :( ]
I miss him too. If you don't know, Ty the Regular Guy is a show within my show within the internet. There's a playlist on my main channel with all the videos featuring Ty the Regular Guy in them. There's two seasons, each eight episodes long, and I plan two more seasons. And then I'm gonna release a DVD with commentary. But I don't have those seasons yet. But for now, I got this. [points a picture of a Ty the Regular Guy t-shirt] [audience applauds] What?! Ty the Regular Guy t-shirt! It's limited time. September 24th. One week. Link in the doobly-doo to purchase it. Now I'm gonna go. [gets up and walks out of the room]
[The clone sitting under the lamp:] Can I go now? I think I can go now. [Clone starts to get up]
[Craig, from offscreen:] No, stay there!
[Clone sits back down:] Fun sucks.
[Clickable annotation on screen:] Click here for alwayswheezy, my channel that is completely iphone video uploads.
Today I read in the news... [turns towards window where there is lots of noise] Where you going, truck? Where you gotta go so loudly, huh? Going to a loud convention? Cause that's loud and stuff.
I think I'll keep my smells to myself.
[Clone enters:] Says you! Whew! [waves hand in front of his face] That's gotta hurt. [Clone turns towards window, where there's a loud noise:] What's with that... What's with the motorcycles?
[Craig:] Yeah, I know, it's really loud today. Do it again. Do it again.
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, angry sun, headlines, doobly-doo, wink, comments, emoticon expression, Ty the Regular Guy, merchandise, outtakes
Oddball on YouTube