Greetings beardlovers. It's June 3rd. Barack Obama, this one's for you, big guy. [sips beer]
[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
Apparently Barack Obama won the nomination this evening. [shot of CNN headline: Obama wins nomination, CNN projects] Congratulations.
This news is bittersweet. I kinda thought it was gonna be me. [Side by side pictures of Obama and Wheezy in the water] You gotta admit. It was a pretty solid matchup. I should have appealed more to those outside my constituency. Maybe I shouldn't have referred to Pennsylvanians as bitter mofos whom I hate. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with all those whores. Or those horses. Maybe I shouldn't have compared the voter disenfranchisement of those in Florida and Michigan to the voter disenfranchisement of those in Zimbabwe. Danzig! Maybe I shouldn't have danced like this. [Footage of Hillary Clinton dancing.] I take it back. I'm glad I dance like that. [Wheezy dances, beginning by imitating Hillary and then breaking out his own moves] Anyway, I guess if I wasn't the nominee, Barack, you were the best second option. And I appreciate you taking the time to thank me in your speech tonight.
[Footage of Obama's speech. Obama:] At this defining moment for our nation, we should be proud that our party put forth one of the most talented... [Wheezy smiles and nods], qualified field of individuals ever to run for office. [Wheezy smiles and nods]
[Wheezy:] That's true.
[Obama:] And that is particularly true of the candidate who has traveled further on this journey than anyone else. Senator [Craig's voice:] Wheezy Waiter [Obama's voice again:] has made history in this campaign. [Craig smiles and shrugs bashfully. Acknowledges the applause.] She has made history [Craig looks momentarily confused] not... not just because she is a woman [Craig looks very confused] who has done what no woman has done before [Craig glances at the camera with a very quizzical expression on his face] but because she is a leader who inspires [Craig smiles sheepishly at the camera] millions of Americans with her strength, with her courage, [Craig looks concerned] and her commitment to the causes that brought us here tonight. Our party and our country are better off because of her and I am a better candidate for having had the honor to compete with Hil.. [Wheezy's voice:] Wheezy Waiter [Obama's voice:] ...inton.
Okay, Barack has a problem with gender. I still think he'd be a great president.
Enough politics. Let's see what's in the comments.
J. Tyler writes, dude you gotta show me how to do that secret Lost handshake. So I live like less than a block away from you. Very strange. Scruff that fuzz.
Thanks J. That was really creepy. I will promptly lock my door.
Matt writes, you should give your beard a pompadour.
Matt, I think your excitement for pompadours came from the recent Indiana Jones movie. Shia LaBouef's character has a pompadour. Let's see how it looks on me. [Shia's pompadour is turned upside down and placed over Wheezy's beard. Wheezy smiles widely for the camera.] Not bad. [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[outtakes:] Maybe I shouldn't have compared the voter disenfranchrise... Maybe I shouldn't have compared the voter disentran.... Maybe I shouldn't have com... Maybe I shouldn't have compared the voter...
Apparently Barack Obama won the nation this evening. [makes a furrowed expression]