[Craig enters from the kitchen]
Hello. I'm the Wheezy Waiter. I have asthma. And am currently a waiter used-to-be.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
That's right. I used to be a waiter. Some of you in the comments want to know what my current full-time job is. Some of you might not want to know. I wish I could tell those that want to know and not the others in this video.
For those of you who don't want to know, put your head directly up to this side of the screen [points to the right side of screen] and only listen to this headphone [taps his ear] [Title on screen: The Right Headphone]
And vice versa. [taps other ear] [Title on screen: The Left Headphone]
This is gonna be a bit weird if you don't have headphones. And it's probably weird anyway. Ready?
[Craig and a clone sit side by side both talking at once.]
[Left side:] I'm a video specialist for a web development company. Ooh! Exciting.
[Right side, at the same time:] [Craig sings:] Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Oooh!
[Both Craigs on both sides say:] Hey, I like those that chose this side better. Don't tell the other side.
[Right side Craig:] 'Kay?
[Left side Craig, alone on screen:] Hey, you can put 'em back on now. [mimes putting headphone back on the other ear]
[Slides over to the right of frame:] Put 'em back on. [mimes putting headphone back on the other ear]
Well, now that that's over, let's see what's in the news.
[reading something offscreen] CNN headline. Obama to get update on terror plot inquiry.
[Looks at camera in alternate camera angle. Looks at what he was reading. Then to camera in original angle.] WHAT?!
[talking in a deep voice:] Hey shoeshine boy, did you hear the news?
[talking in an English accent:] No sir.
[talking in a deep voice:] Obama's talking to people.
[talking in an English accent:] Oh! What about, sir?
[talking in a deep voice:] Who gives a *shirt*?
[talking in an English accent:] I'm going to call my mother!
People will remember exactly where they were when they heard Obama was talking to people.
Yes I realize it's important that Obama be briefed about terror. But it just reminds me that I'm terrified of briefs. [drawing of briefs] Don't worry about copyright. Found that image in the pubic domain. [Audience laughs. Craig laughs, acknowledging the laughter. Laughter dies down. Craig sighs. Sound of a drum rimshot.] Wow. You're really late.
So this is news now? Wait until he learns something and then says something and then tell me about it!!
I guess this means the world's ready for my new TV show. It's about a regular guy named Ty. And I think I'll show it every Tuesday. Here's Ty Tuesday number one.
[Ty is sitting on a couch between two lamps. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title on screen: Brushing Teeth]
[Ty grabs automatic toothbrush and toothpaste. Puts toothpaste on toothbrush, runs water over it for a second, brushes his teeth for a few moments, spits out water, puts toothbrush in charger, wipes his mouth with a towel. Walks away.]
[Ty is back on the couch. Music plays and titles appear as Ty speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
In the comments, tell me something mundane you did today. Who knows... it might make the headlines. See you Wednesday.
[Winker runs up to camera and starts singing outro theme:] Wheezy Waiter [The Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro graphic appears. Winker winks to a very high-pitched chime.]
Oh man... these comments are gonna be boring to read, aren't they? I'll do it drunk.
Right before I finished editing, CNN changed their headline. [reading something offscreen:] It's cold and getting colder. [stares at camera]
clone, headlines, alternate camera angle, *shirt*, laugh track, ill-timed rimshot, Ty the Regular Guy, wink
This video has the first installment of Ty the Regular Guy.
Obama Talks to People! on YouTube
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook