No Moon Landing
|"No Moon Landing"|
|Original Upload date||February 3, 2010|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||thespartanchannel|
other party guests
[extreme closeup of Craig's closed eye. It opens with accompanying sounds like the Lost theme -- thump and whooshing sound.]
I was dead but now I'm not! Where am I? When... am I?
Sorry. Season premiere of Lost was on last night. I'm a dork. [another sound like the Lost theme]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
In President Obama's proposed 2010 budget, he cuts NASA's Constellation Project which would send astronauts back to the moon. NASA would use that money to invest in private groups to develop new rockets to send astronauts into orbit.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] I agree with this budget cut. There are a lot of problems with the NASA Constellation Project. Most importantly, the name. A constellation is like playing connect the dots with the stars and making a shape. Traveling to the moon? That's connecting two dots. The Earth and the Moon. [holds up a drawing he drew of the Earth and the Moon. draws a line between them.] Most boring game of connect the dots ever. [points to his drawing of Earth] In case you're wondering, that's Texas on the Earth there. That's where NASA's based and I also kinda wanted to highlight how ridiculously huge Texas is. That's the subtext of what I'm saying.
[turns to another alternate camera angle to his left:] Like the major banks, Texas is way too big to fail. Couldn't we divide it into North and South Texas at least? Or better yet, we could draw a big circle in the middle. [holds up a drawing he drew of Texas] We could have Center Texas and Outer Texas. Cause we've never done that. That'd be cool. [turns to main camera angle]
But I know a lot of you are thinking, "Why don't we go to the moon? That sucks! Going to the moon is awesome!" I completely agree. That was actually an impression of me. See, look, I even drew a picture of me on the Moon. [holds up a picture he drew of himself on the moon.] Look at how happy I am. See that? My... my head looks like a hairy ball.
I just don't think the Constellation Project is the way to do it. I think I can satisfy our desire to see someone on the moon, though.
[In extremely white black and white, slow motion footage of Craig, wearing a lampshade on his head and a backpack, walking and hopping as if he's on the moon.]
[Voiceover:] This is a series of stupid hops for man. This is one giant stupid hop for mankind.
You're welcome, Planet Earth.
No coffee for me today. But I think I can smell that the Eggos are done. I'm moderately happy when the Eggos are done. [walks towards the kitchen] Yay!
[When he opens the kitchen door, the music is still thumping. People are still dancing. Matt is dressed in a suit and hat, reading One Hundred Years of Solitude.]
[Craig:] You're kidding me. This is still going on? And how long is this song?
[Steve DJs. The Eggos pop out of the toaster behind him. A woman and Zaid are dancing with funny hats on. Matt is reading One Hundred Years of Solitude and turning the pages with the giant margarita glass from Vegas. Steve pulls the waffles out of the toaster and puts them on a plate. Ryan, who's dancing and whose hair is now wet, starts screaming. Sam, who is wearing a wig on top of a helmet on top of a hat, puts his arms in the air as he is fed a head of lettuce by someone dancing near him. Amelia dances. Steve hands Craig the plate of waffles. Craig mouthes thank you and turns to go.]
[Steve:] Yo! I still need those drink tickets so just bring 'em whenever. [Craig leaves] Yo, everybody in the house, say "Ho-ohhh!"
[Steve hits the alarm button on his gear. Ryan pops the cork on a bottle.]
[Craig closes the kitchen door, sits down with his waffles.]
Hmm. [eating waffles] I'm starting to worry about their health in there. That's three days of partying. What happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen as the saying goes, I guess. I'd make a pretty cool dad.
Let's look at me on the moon again. [holds up drawing] Ah, so happy. I'd probably be dead. There's no way to get oxygen to me. Alright. [picks up his pen and amends his drawing. Shows it to camera. He now has Xes over his eyes.] There I am dead. Still happy, though.
[Winker winks (ding):] I think I'll try that with the other eye too. [Winks (ding). Video of a series of explosions. Winker looks shocked, looks around, and backs up slowly before running away.]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Craig, with a lampshade on his head and wearing a backpack, hops around.]
No Moon Landing on YouTube