My New Digs

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"My New Digs"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 501
Original Upload date May 3, 2011
Running time 0:03:31
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by doggie
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"My 500th Video"
Next →
"No Internet Song"



[view of Craig's new apartment]
[In the background, a door opens and Craig enters, singing:] No I don't wear pants. [sees camera and walks towards it] Oh that's right, I have a video blog. Let's see, where should I... where should I... [goes to grab camera] [leans back on futon] Hey beardlovers. [looks at pattern on futon] Too plaid. [gets up] [sits in front of open fridge door] Hey beardlovers. Too cold. [gets up] [lifts faucet so water flows from faucet into sink] Oh! Hey beardlovers. [puts his head under the faucet and running water] Too wet. [sitting on the toilet] Hey beardlover... oops, one second. [closes bathroom door so we can't see him anymore. Opens it, flushing toilet and lowering toilet seat. Sits on toilet again.] Hey beardlove.... oop.... [closes bathroom door again. Opens it, flushing toilet and lowering toilet seat. Stis for a moment and then gets up, exasperated.] Too much bowel stimulation. [leaves bathroom] [adjusting camera back in the living room, where the camera was at first] Alright, I'll try here, but I'm sure it's gonna be crappy. [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. [looks behind him] Gaah... I was wrong. It's perfect.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So here it is. My new... [swings around in chair] kicks! [points to his shoes, which are Wheezy Shoes] I mean, digs. [points around him to his apartment]
It's a shame... I never got to be here while living in fear of Osama Bin Laden. At least I can fear his ghost. Not too worried, though. This guy'll scare him away. [Racks focus to focus in on a book in the stacks of books behind him. Arrow points to book with Obama on the cover.]
Looks like I'm in need of some shelves. I think I'll probably put 'em right here, so... [tapes a piece of paper to the wall that says Shelves] Oh! Never mind. Problem solved. [Picks up book and places it on the piece of paper. It falls to ground.] Oh that's right.
Words are just words. Gun pointed at your head. Don't be scared. It's just words, idiot. [As Craig says this, the words appear on the screen beside him: Words are just words. GUN POINTED AT YOUR HEAD! Don't be scared. It's just words, idiot. - Craig Benzine] [sound of a gunshot. Craig looks surprised and nervous.]
And right here, I'll probably have a coffee table. [Craig puts a piece of paper on the floor that says Coffee Table.] Where I can put a well-balanced meal [puts down a container of ice cream], a healthy beverage [puts down a bottle of Maker's Mark whisky], book to read for my educations [puts down something that looks like a Wii game], [puts down a bottle of lotion] I get dry hands. [puts down a roll of toilet paper, walks back to camera]
[Speech impediment guy:] Wheh do the alligatow and whaoh weside Wheezy Waitoe?
I thought you might ask that.
[Speech impediment guy:] You'ah a smawt.
Thanks. Feels good.
[Speech impediment guy:] Mowon.
Well, those are conflicting statements. Anyway, the whale's over here. [pans camera to his left and points] Say hi, whale. [whale sounds] Well, that's a window. Whale's down there. [points downwards] This is also where I keep my allen wrench. [points to desk, where we can see the allen wrench in front of his monitor]
And this is where I keep my dog. [gestures towards the wall and then makes a shadow puppet dog with his hand and makes a dog sound.] I'm just kidding. It's a shadow. [He drops his hand but the shadow remains, still making the dog sound.]
Anyway, as for the cloning machine, you see those three doors over there on the left? Well, your left, not my... [turns his head so it's facing the doors and turns back to camera] Actually, my left too. Well, the one in the middle there is the cloning machine. [Arrow points to middle door with text on screen "Middle There."] Speaking of, I think a clone should be popping outta there pretty soon.
[A clone comes out of the middle door.] I'm alive.
Oh there he is.
[Clone raises his arms in triumph and walks further into the kitchen.] I'm alive!
What's the other thing? Alligator pit. That's...
[We can hear the clone fall into the alligator pit. Alligator munches] Yeah... There... there it is. I should probably put up a caution sign or something.
Also, did you happen to notice I have the brand new washer and dryer in my apartment. [racks focus on the washer and dryer for a moment] This new technology... I don't understand. It's like they got a mind of their own. [Lights comes on above the washer and dryer. It goes off again.]
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go upload this video at a coffee shop because I don't currently have the internet in my apartment. [Laughs and snorts] That's fine... It's okay... I don't really need it. It's cool. I don't... I don't need the internet... very... much. [sighs] [sits, looking down, for about ten seconds. After ten seconds, Craig's eyes start to widen and he starts breathing heavily and angrily. This continues for about 15 seconds before he raises his head and screams to camera:] FUUUUU....
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Dog winks (ding)]
It's a shame I never got to be here while living in fear of Obam... Osama. [racks focus to focus on book by Obama. Makes funny face.]

Recurring elements

beardlovers, singing rug, Wheezy shoe, Craig quotes, Speech impediment guy, whale tank, clone, alligator pit, wink, outtakes


This is the first video from Craig's new apartment.
This is the first video in which the wink comes after the outro.

Related videos

The song Craig sings at the beginning of the video is a reference to his video No Pants.

External links

My New Digs on YouTube