[slides in/singing rug]
[Craig sings:] Hey beardloverrrrrrs
[A clone leans in and sings along:] Hey beardloverrr...
Nope, nope, nope. You're a little off. Get to the alligator pit. Why's it so hard to find someone who's just immediately talented without ever practicing? If it doesn't work the first time, give up. Or in this case, kill your clone. Go on! Time for death!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Today I wanted to talk to you guys about... [sniffs air] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Skateboard to the coffee! [Puts skateboard on floor. Rides skateboard to the coffee. Skateboards back. Jumps off skateboard and up into the air. Takes a sip of coffee mid-air. Lands on skateboard. Skates to his chair and sits. Sips coffee.] First time I've ever rode a skateboard.
It's time to check in on my new temporary roommate, who's hiding out here because, well, he may have murdered somebody but they were racist. It's time for a new episode of Ty the Regular Guy.
[The theme song plays as Ty walks in, wearing a blonde wig, a black mustache, and carrying an automatic gun. The words appear on the screen as he says them.] Hi. I'm Ty. [takes off the wig] I'm just a regular guy. [takes off the mustache and smiles. Remembers the automatic rifle in his hand. Lowers it.]
[Title on screen: Eating]
[Ty sits down at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal. Eats. Craig, sitting on the opposite side of the table, stops eating his bowl of cereal and watches Ty.]
[Craig:] You're so normal.
[Ty looks up and shrugs.]
[Craig grabs a bag of cookies, takes one out and bites into it.]
[Ty:] Cookies in the morning? What is this? Dessert? [Goes back to eating his cereal]
[Craig puts the bag of cookies away.]
[Theme song plays as Ty says this and the words appear on the screen as end titles.] I'm just a regular guy.
He kind of follows a strict eating schedule.
So in the YouTube Moderator, many of you gave suggestions for what I should do today.
[shows comment] RissaAlexandra said I should make this emoticon face. [The emoticon face is :3 He mimics it.] I'm not gonna do that. Or did I?
[shows another comment] Pharlapified suggested that I critically analyze my first ever YouTube video.
The YouTuber pogobat, or Dan Brown, not the author, recently did this on his channel and rather than copy him, I'm just gonna reenact my first video like someone suggested I do a few weeks ago. I don't remember who that was. Let's say Oprah.
But before I do, let me explain. My YouTube name is wheezywaiter. I'm currently not a waiter anymore. [Gasps. Dramatic zoom. Dun dun dun music.] But back when I started, I was a waiter. And I decided to make a video blog about all the annoying things that happen as a waiter. And I was using this camera right here [holds up camera] or, as I like to call it, the *shirt*brick. Now I'm going to reenact it while I put the original [points], my baby, in the corner. You should never put baby in... I'm not even gonna finish that reference. Here goes.
[Screen is black. When the image returns, Craig's first video is in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. He's sitting in front of his windows, as he was in the first video, even though it's not his normal filming position now.]
June 5th 2007 [takes a sip of beer]
So I had this table that looked like they were done eating.
“Are you done eating?”
“Uhhh…. mmmm…. aaaa….. mmm…. aaaa…. oooo….”
One of them said to the other one, “Would you like any dessert?”
“Ummm… I …. oh no. I don’t want no dessert. I’m done.”
She made this gesture … like, over her food. That means I’m done.
I went to grab her plate. And she was like, “No! I’m not done!”
“I’m not done!”
“Should I ….? [points to leave] Right.”
[singing] You make me feel so dumb. You make me feel so dumb. You make me feel like my life is so dumb.
That song was dedicated to the pan-Asian restaurant that I…. that at which I work at for to.
Sub-dedication to your *shirt*ty job.
And to *shirt*ty jobs...
Look at the camera.
And to *shirt*ty jobs everywhere.
[End of reenactment]
So that's it. It'd be another year and a half before I'd surpass 32 subscribers on YouTube. I was so young then. Skinnier. More hair.
When you're done with this video... [Clip from reenactment:] I'm not done!! ... I know! When you're done, you can watch the first video. Link in the doobly-doo. You don't have to watch it, though. In fact, I advise against it. It's kinda crappy.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Another thing you can watch is the second part of Episode 2 of Platoon... No, not Platoon of Power Squadron. Another thing you can watch is the second episode of Part... No. Another thing you can watch is the second part of Episode 2 of *Ding*ed in Space. [points to clickable annotation] It's a web show that I'm in. It's really funny. Have you clicked it yet? Have you clicked it yet? Click it.
[close to camera:] I'm not done!!
I didn't ask if you were done. I asked if you clicked it yet. Did you click it yet? Hurry up. I gotta get going. I got things to do. I'm an important person... who can't talk... at all.