[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
Greetings wheezies, it's September 12th. Here's what we're talking about.
[Wheezy and a clone in unison:] Split checks.
Okay, say you and your partner, be they male, female, gay, bi, tri, quad, hermaphrodite, transgender, lizard man, whatever, it doesn't matter... you're both sitting at a restaurant and you want to split your check. That's fine. There's only two of you so it's not that difficult. And most two-tops...
Wait, what's a two-top?
Oh yeah, two-top means there are two people at the table. If you want to say how many people are at a table, you put the word 'top' after a number.
Oh, so for three people, it's three-top? Four people it's four-top? Five people it's five-top?
Yes. You're very smart.
Heh. Thank you. Yes!
Anyway, most two-tops will split their check directly in half. Yeah, and that's super easy. So if you're a two-top and you get all super specific like, "Yeah, she had two Diet Cokes. I only had one. Her meal was one dollar more than mine. So let's split it up that way," that just lets me know what type of person you are. And your tip is more likely to be smaller than your lizard man partner's. Lizard people tend to tip the best.
Another annoying thing is if you split your check and then you both pay with cash. Come on! That's just being lazy. You can't add up what you owe? Do you have the IQ of a pre-schooler? I'll gladly get you change if you need it. But I won't be your school marm.
Now if we're going to get into the five-top and up range, splitting checks is a little ridiculous.
Wait, what's a five-top?
Five people at a table.
If I have a four table section, and one of my tables is a five-top, and that five-top asks for five checks, I instantly have eight tables. If you do that, expect a little animosity from your waiter. The following reenactment is an exaggeration but not by much. Guess what? It's time for "It's A Crazy Crazy Crazy ... There Are A Bunch of Different Types of Customers." Oooh I'm so excited!
[Wheezy the waiter:] Well, I hope you enjoyed [music]. You all set?
[Five clones sit at the table.]
[Clone in the t-shirt:] We'll have our checks now, please.
[Wheezy the waiter:] Your checks? Plural?
[Clone in a t-shirt:] Yeah! Split checks!
[Wheezy the waiter:] Alright. One for each of you?
[Clone in the hat:] Actually, us two are on one and our alcoholic drinks go on his.
[Clone in the wig:] Yeah, and 17 percent of the bill goes to me.
[Clone in the sunglasses:] Charge me for all the non-caffeinated drinks. Plus my soup.
[Clone in the t-shirt:] And I'll take the rest of his meal. And I'll order four cheeseburgers to go. Three with no cheese, one with a pickle.
[Wheezy the waiter:] You want the one with cheese to have a pickle?
[Clone in the t-shirt:] Doesn't matter.
[Clone in the black hoodie:] Make sure it's kosher.
[Wheezy the waiter sighs:] Okay, this is gonna take a little while to process. Can I get you anything else?
[Clone in the t-shirt:] Can we see a dessert menu?
[Clone in the sunglasses:] And I'll have a coffee.
[Wheezy the waiter:] Right. [walks away]
So the lesson is, keep it simple. If you're in a big group, just split it one or two ways. Can't you work all that money out later?
So in the comments, ryan w says I owe him 30 dollars.
Yeah, you're right. I think I do owe you 30 dollars, Ryan. So listen, umm, I will get you that money, but wait... isn't there something on that wall behind you?
[Gets up and runs. Sound of a car speeding away. Sound of a car crash.] [ding]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]