|Original Upload date||April 26, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||JaeChongMusic|
[Craig sings a tune as he leans into frame]
Hey beardlovers. I'm at my parents' house in my bedroom. No singing rug here. So I was just taking a look at this picture of me from high school... [closeup of photo of Craig from high school] So young, so full of life... And then I took a look at this picture of me from mirror... [pans camera to the mirror. Standing in front of mirror] So bald and fatter and full of death... And then I started thinking about how my landlord is kicking me out in a week because he's renovating my apartment. For real. And I realized this is an opportunity for a new beginning. I can find a nicer apartment. Exercise. Reclaim that youthful vigor [points to photo] [pronounces it v-eye-gor] [text on screen: vigor?] The choice is obvious. Moving in with my parents. High five for quitting life! [puts hand up to camera for high five] Yeah!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Why you looking at me like that? Does being 30 and living with my parents make me a loser? I beg to not care. There are so many awesome ways to do nothing. Speaking of, I have to go not wash my car.
[Craig's dad is washing a car, wiping the windows.] Hey Dad, that car's looking pretty good. I can't wait to see how well you wash mine. [pans to his car, parked on the street, and back to his dad.]
[Craig's dad:] I'm not washing your car.
[Craig's dad:] You're washing your car.
[Craig:] I can't. I'm wearing pajama pants. That would look ridiculous.
[Craig's dad:] Don't care.
[Craig:] Oh. Thought you loved me. [to camera:] Hey beardlovers, leave a comment saying how unloving my father is. [looks back at his dad]
[Craig's dad looks at Craig for a moment and then sighs:] Fine.
[Craig, to camera:] Never mind.
[Camera is pointing at the couch.] Alright, this is gonna be a new segment.... called Sleeping Positions. Camera's a little crooked. Ahh, doesn't matter if anybody watches. It's not like I'm gonna make a career out of this anymore. [lies down on his back] Ahhh. So this is the back one. The back position. And then we'll switch over to the next position [falls asleep, snores] [Phone rings.] [Craig wakes up, looks at his phone.] Me calling? [answers phone] Hello? Is this a clone? Don't worry about it. I'm not coming back. You're free. Forever. Hooraaaay! Bye. [falls back asleep and snores more] [Wakes up] Alright, I guess we'll only do one position today. [sits up]
[Craig's dad enters the kitchen]
[Craig:] Hey Dad, all done washing the car? What's for lunch?
[Craig's dad:] We have leftover lasagna.
[Craig:] Leftovers? Ugh. Ugh. Good enough.
[They stare at each other for a moment before Craig's dad sighs, opens fridge, and takes out the leftover lasagna, which he puts on the counter. They stare at each other again for a few moments until Craig's dad goes and puts it on the microwave. Craig smiles and nods.] There you go. [His phone rings again] Hmm? [answers phone] Hello? Is this Quiet Clone? I can't hear a word you're saying. I told you, you don't have to worry. Free rein. It's all yours. Bye forever.
So as you can see, living with your parents is quite a good... it's already 3 in the afternoon. I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep. Dad, finish my video! [Craig gets up and leaves the room, encountering his dad on the way out] Go! Finish it. [pushes his dad in the room] Finish it.
[Craig's dad sees the camera, stands there for a moment before sitting down.]
[Craig's dad:] As you know by now, I'm Wheezy Waiter's dad. I... I used to work at... uh... Stainless Tank and Equipment. I was there for 37 years... umm... but they decided last June that they're going a different direction so they let me go. And now I'm kinda in between jobs, working, you know, for places that need welders. Welding is badass. [As he says this, the words appear on screen: Welding is badass. - Eugene Benzine] It's interesting to see all the different... different places that... uh... do a lot of welding. There are places that just...
[Craig enters, hanging up phone:] Dad, Dad... I gotta go. There's an emergency at my apartment. Turn the camera off. [walks up to camera to turn it off]
[shot of road from the car]
[Craig, driving, on the phone:] So Sexy Clone dropped body oil into the whale's blowhole and the whale's suffocating? The alligator got out and it ate a clone? Oh wait, I don't care about stupid clones. He's going down the street towards the school? Oh man. Dead kids are not good. NOT GOOD! [As he says this, the words appear on screen: Oh man. Dead kids are not good. NOT GOOD! - Craig Benzine] The coffee machine's broke? Oh my god, I never should have left. [speeds up]
[Craig singing along to the radio:] Whoaaa, sweet child of mine. [does air guitar solo for a moment] Whoa, no, this is serious. [changes radio station and starts singing along to a new song] Lightning crashes. That's better. An old mother dies.
[Craig opens the door to his apartment:] I came home as fast I could...
[A clone runs out from the bathroom with a knife.]
[Craig:] Is everything okay? [sees the clone with the knife and cries out, runs away] [Another clone peeks through the doorway]
[Craig trips and falls on the floor near the fridge. The clone brandishing the knife falls on top of Craig (out of frame) with the knife raised]
[Revenge Clone, laughs, still peeking through door:] We tricked you! Now you shall die! [laughs]
[Craig stands up.] No. The clone has not defeated me. But you're right. I have mistreated all of you clones. I have no will to live. Get to the alligator pit... me. [walks to alligator pit and jumps in]
[Revenge Clone:] I guess the plan worked! Come on, let's go. I have more plans for us! [hurries towards the door, which we hear close behind him.]
[The clone (or is it Craig?) gets up off the floor.]
[The clone calls from the alligator pit:] Hey Original Craig, did they buy it?
[Craig:] Yeah. What...?
[Clone:] Sorry I attacked you with a knife. I had to save you. I love you, Craig. [Alligator munches. The clone cries out as he dies.]
[Craig:] What was that about?
[Winker plays outro theme on his cello and winks (plucks cello string)]
[Title on screen: go to wheezywaiter.com to see the clone point of view with some images of clones doing their chores. Sexy Clone is whipping some pots with a towel:] Hey-o!
The clones' point of view is presented in Moving Out (Clone Point of View).
Moving Out on YouTube