Monkeys vs. Apes

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"Monkeys vs. Apes"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 356
Original Upload date July 23, 2010
Running time 0:03:26
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by pinklemonaddict
Great People
Guests: Nate Bartley
Handstand Info
No. of Attempts 2
Did His Wallet Fall Out? Yes
No. Without the Wall: 0
Episode chronology
← Previous
"The Point of Life"
Next →
"Kings of Pigeon"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's the birthday of one of my favorite actors today. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Thank you, Wikipedia. And thank you, Philip, for making me really sad in this [shows poster for Love Liza], this [shows poster for Magnolia], this [shows poster for Happiness], and this [shows poster for Synecdoche New York] and other movies [text on screen: Other]. Happy birthday, Philip. [Laughs. Cries. Laughs. Cries. Laughs. Cries.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Okay, there are a few things that need to be cleared up right NOW. Actually, we got about five minutes. [Text on screen: 5 minutes later] Okay, now. I said I was gonna do a handstand every day. Many of you... a huge amount... a glorious amount of people... said that I didn't do a handstand yesterday. Well, [evil laugh] you're wrong. If you would have followed the link I directed you to in the doobly-doo to DailyBooth, you would have seen a picture of me doing a handstand. Here's the picture. [shows the picture] Glorious, isn't it? [zooms in on the belly button] Oh god! No! No! Don't go into the belly button. Nooooo!
It's okay. It's just a picture on a video. If this were real life, we'd be dead.
Death by belly button.
Navel death.
Death belly.
But just so no one goes in a tizzy, I'm gonna do a handstand now. [Does a handstand. Wallet falls out. Handstand over.] A lot of you say I should keep my legs together. I'm gonna try to keep my legs together. [Does a handstand with his legs together]
Based on another big slew of comments... let's say something other than slew... Thesaurus time. [reaches for computer]
Based on another big gob of comments... [reaches for computer]
Based on another big passel of comments... Yeah, passel. I think it's time for... [Many Craig voices say the name of this segment as Craig points to the words that appear one by one on screen as a title:] Wheezy Waiter is [Craig points but the word "Is" does not appear]... is [Craig points somewhere else but the word "Is" still does not appear. He gets up and goes into the kitchen.] Huh. [Walks outside, looking around.] Huh. [Walks past Nate, who's leaning against a fence. Craig walks back to Nate and checks his pocket.] [Nate:] Hey! [slaps Craig's hand away] [Craig walks away quickly]
[Craig walks up to some recycling bins. Opens one. The many voices continue:] "is" [the word "is" appears in the recycling bin]
[Craig:] There it is.
[Craig runs back to the camera. The many voices continue.] ... Stoopid! [audience laughter and applause] [Craig claps]
So yesterday I showed this picture [chimp in a suit] and referred to it as a monkey. That, my friends, is an ape. I, my friends, is stupid. But to help us remember the differences between monkeys and apes, I wrote us a song.
[plays guitar and sings]
This is how long it takes
To count the number of tails on a monkey.
One. [shows picture of a monkey with an arrow pointing to its tail and the number "1"]
This is how long it takes
To count the number of tails on an ape.
[shows an ape butt. No tail. Craig shakes his head.]
There aren't any.
If you tell a monkey or ape
What to doooooooo
A monkey will just monkey around,
Cause it's dumb. [Picture of monkeys]
An ape will be smart enough to saaaaay *Ding* you! [Picture of a gorilla with a black box censoring its raised middle finger]
[song over]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
So I've been working on this sketch comedy show for the past month and a half. You can watch one of the hilarious sketches here. [Points to a clickable annotation.] If you click right there. Or you can go to this website [points to text on screen:] and at 7:23 tonight, the full episode goes online. [Text on screen: 7:23 CST] 7:23. Get it? Cause it's July 23rd today. [Laughs] So yeah, click here to watch this sketch I shot and directed and edited it.
Hey beardlover... [looks at window] What is that sound? That sounds like a swarm of bees spraying water out of their stingers onto... a slip and slide. That's what it sounds like. [standing near window] Oh! That's what it is!

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Wikipedia, handstand, doobly-doo, wallet falls out, Wheezy Waiter is Stupid, song, *ding*, wink, fridaynitebYtes, outtakes


This is the first time Craig mentions fridaynitebYtes.

Related videos

The previous video in which Craig confused an ape with a monkey is The Point of Life.

External links

Monkeys vs. Apes on YouTube