Hey. Wheezy Waiter here from the internet. I just need to clear something up. Sometimes I get messages and comments that say, 'But I don't love beards.' Well, whether you love beards or you hate beards, too bad! You love them! Hey beardlovers! [waves, smiling]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
That sounds good. Let's do more. [slides more/singing rug. Hits the wall.] That's a wall.
Hey beardlovers. It's been a long time. [pause] Jump cut. Do a jump cut.
I've been gone a while. [pause] Jump cut.
Just need to iron out a few of the wrinklies. Timing is a little bit [long pause] off. Jump cut.
So the reason I've been gone a while is because, well, the economy the way it is, I found it fiscally responsible to lay myself off. That sounds gross. I found it fiscally responsible to let myself go. That sounds like I'm fat. I put me on the chopping block. Gory! I gave myself the boot. That sounds Canadian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my favorite Canadians are from Canada. [smiles] See what I did there? See? The obviousness of it is what made it humorous. That reminds me of what my mom used to say about obvious humor.
[Craig at the window as his hypothetical mother:] It's *ding*ing funny.
I think obvious humor is underappreciated. Sometimes people reek of cleverness, and sometimes that cleverness is stinky. Obviousness is all you need. Observe. Pickin' the ear, sittin' on the floor, burning the fing... ow!, slappin' the face ... ow. Thinking about a monkey. Riding a bike. Hahahaha. He fell off.
Alright, commenters, give me an obvious punchline to the joke that I'm making up. On the cow's wedding day, what did she say to the farmer?
So as many of you know, I have a bank in the sky, and I thought it was because of the economy that it wasn't returning dividends, but I recently received a package from Sky Bank with a letter [holds up letter] explaining that it was because of weather conditions that my change was blown all over Michigan. You can read the letter below on wheezywaiter dot com. Link in the doobly-doo on YouTube.
Within my package was my change that was recovered [holds up a sheet of coins] Thanks. Seriously, somebody from Seattle sent me this. It made me laugh a lot. Thank you. It's real dimes. [peels off a dime that is taped down to show the camera] I think it might be the same people [holds up a slap bracelet that flies out of his hand] I think it might be the same people that sent me this. [holds up slap bracelet. slaps slap bracelet on his arm] Woo! Sleeve slap.
If you'd like to send me money, please do. Hey Grandma, can I have a wink?
[Craig's grandma standing by the Fiesta:] Craig, I'm taking your car. [winks (ding)] So long, sucker! [gets in car and waves]
Did my grandma just steal my car? That's obvious humor. And disturbing.
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[Craig listening to a beeping that's coming from outside.] Okay, that beeping needs to stop. [Listens some more. Opens his mouth in time with a beep.] I'm swearing a lot. [Opens and closes his mouth so it looks like his words are being beeped out. Beeping stops as the sound of truck brakes can be heard.]
beardlovers, singing rug, hypothetical mother, *ding*, Sky Bank, doobly-doo, slap bracelet, wink, outtakes
Monkey Falls off Bike on YouTube