|Original Upload date||August 24, 2010|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||Bobby (themefund)|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Today I wanted to talk... what?!
[A clone starts to come out of the kitchen:] Hey, Original Craig.
[Craig:] What?! What do you want, clone? You have three seconds to tell me or you're going into the alligator pit. [Craig counts down the three seconds on his fingers as the clone talks.]
[Clone:] I have a list. [digs in his pocket] There's some things wrong with the bathroom toilet...
[Craig:] Too late. Jump into the alligator pit. Ahhh...
[Clone jumps into the alligator pit.]
[Craig:] Sweet death.
[Clone:] Hey, there's no alligator down here. I'm still alive.
[Craig:] Uh oh! [Zooms in camera dramatically as dun dun dun music plays and he has a shocked expression on his face.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
What happened to my alligator? Let's check the internet. [leans over to his computer]
[shows article] Baked goods and backstabbing on 'Bachelor Pad'
[reads from article] Last night's edition of "Bachelor Pad" began last... wait. What the hell is 'Bachelor Pad'? I've never seen or heard of that show in my life. Let's move on.
[shows article] Alligator spotted on North Branch of Chicago River.
That's probably nothing.
[shows article] Jennifer Aniston headed to 'Cougar Town'
Oh Jen. Movin' back to TV. She goes from big screen with millions of viewers to smaller screen with millions of viewers. Unless you watch TV on a movie theatre-size screen. In that case, you wanna be friends? Not because you're rich. Because of your personality. What was I looking for? Oh yeah, my alligator.
Oh, this is interesting. [shows article] Alligator spotted on North Branch of Chicago River. Nah, that's stupid. Let's move on.
[shows article] Woman shatters text-messaging speed record. 25.94 seconds to do a complex sentence? Psh! I can go way faster than that. I'm like lightning when I send out texts to my friends and family. Unfortunately, their responses have been really slow. It's been days. In some cases years. I have no friends, and my family hates me. I'm just kidding. I have friends, and my family loves me. Or do they? They do! [banjo face] [serious face] Maybe.
Hey, wait. THIS story's interesting! [shows article] Alligator spotted on North Branch of Chicago River? [Gasps. Looks at the camera. Looks back at his computer. Gasps. Looks at the camera again. Looks back to his computer] [Reads from article] Before animal control arrived the reptile disappeared.
Animal control. Psh! Psssh! Psssssshffff! They'll get that alligator over my dead alligator. [Gets up and runs out of the room.]
[Display case at Clark Park that's tagged with graffiti.] Clark Park. Oh, that's nice. They let you draw on the sign. That's fun for the kids.
[Craig walks through the woods.] Is that an alligator? Oh, no, that's a tree. Is that an alligator? Oh, no, that's a person.
[A woman is holding her phone, texting:] I am so beautiful.
[Craig walks by:] Hey, how's it going?
[Woman texts on her phone:] He is so ugly.
[Craig walking through the woods again:] I'll use my alligator call. [Opens his mouth and emits the alligator call, which is sort of half-growl/half-roar]
[He walks up the river.] Huh. [Does his call again. Shakes his head and walks away.]
[A young guy is skipping stones in the river:] 1... 2... 3 4 5 6 7 8. [Throws another stone]
[Craig:] Hey! Skipping rocks?
[Craig:] What's your best?
[Craig:] Oh yeah? Mine's 17.
[Guy:] 16 today. My best is 25.
[Craig:] My best is 26. See ya. [Walks on]
[Craig sits down on a bench and sighs. Sniffs the air.] I think the coffee's done. [Reaches behind mug and picks up his coffee mug.] Ahh, I love it when the coffee's done. [sips coffee]
[Guy skipping stones:] 1... 2.. Alligator. 3 4 5 6 7 8 9... Alligator?
[Craig looks down into his mug of coffee. The coffee ripples as a vibration can be heard. It happens again. And again. The woman who was texting looks around slowly. She screams and runs. The guy who was skipping stones also runs, throwing stones behind him as he runs.]
[Craig:] My alligator! [Gets up and runs. Stops suddenly.] Oh, you're a lot bigger than I remember. Alright... Let's go. Come on. [Craig reaches out his arm towards the alligator. Sound of the alligator munching.] Oh no! I'm being eaten! Ah, I shoulda got some bait. Oh god, no! I'm gonna die. Great. Aaaaugh. [He's no longer in frame.] Dead.
[Craig pops out from behind a tree.] You were the bait, stupid clone! [Evil laugh as he retreats behind the tree again] Where am I going? I gotta go get my alligator.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Alligator spotted on the North Branth... Alli... North Banth...
Missing Alligator on YouTube