Millionaire Dogs

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"Millionaire Dogs"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 334
2010
Original Upload date June 18, 2010
Running time 0:02:37
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by RandomKitteh27
Great People
Guests: Craig's dad (kind of)
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Tiny Bubbles"
Next →
"Tip Your Waiters"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. What's that behind you?!! [Acts like he's looking behind the viewer. Then quickly puts his finger in his nose.] Boogers boogers boogers. I love boogers. [sees camera, clears his throat, embarrassed] In retrospect, I probably didn't have to record while I did that.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So today I wanted... [sniff] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Perfect cartwheel to the coffee! [Gets up and starts his cartwheel. Shot of hands on the floor, shot of feet in the air, shot of hands coming off the floor. He runs into the kitchen and comes back out. Starts another cartwheel. Shot of feet in the air. Shot of sipping coffee upside down. Shot of feet in the air. He goes from landing to sitting down.] First time I've ever done a cartwheel. Be nice!
Also, the croutons are done. [Eats some croutons] That's right. I eat croutons like potato chips. Go ahead. Judge me. I want you to.
So, in stupid people news, [shows article] a rich lady in Miami died and left 3 million dollars to all of her dogs. Also... [turns to alternate camera angle] WHAT?! [bangs toy keyboard behind him and turns back to main camera angle] That makes me so angry, I have lost my appetite for croutons. [Eats more croutons.] Mmm. Oh god. [Eating more croutons] I'm sick to my stomach.
Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs as much as the next guy. Especially if the next guy is Son of Sam [shows picture of him], who claimed to be ordered around by a demon dog, and also claimed to join a cult that killed dogs. So anyway, I love dogs as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is one of these girls who are surrounded by Snoop Dogg [picture of four ladies posing with Snoop Dogg]. They clearly love dogs. But they're female so they don't fall under the category of the next guy. But [stammers] I'm getting into a thing. The point is, if you have a lot of money and you die, do something useful with it. Donate it to charity. Or to me. Or to your kids. Or to me! Or at least use it to make a giant statue of yourself. This statue is in honor of me. I was rich, I died, this statue proves I'm better than you. I'd probably make a statue with my head on a pterodactyl's body. Or my head on a cowboy riding a pterodactyl. With a rifle in its mouth. The rifle would be in the pterodactyl's mouth. The cowboy would be biting into a burger.
If I have the money to do that, that makes life worth it. If I don't have the money, life sucks. I guess I could be buried in croutons. [Picks up bag of croutons] That's if you talk to me today. Tomorrow it might be turkey bacon. Or oatmeal. I don't know... My cravings always change. I'm such a flawed human. Or maybe I'm pregnant.
Speaking of preggers, you know who got my mom pregnant? My dad. On Sunday it's Fathers Day here in America, the day that we celebrate fathers... day. So Dad I just wanted to wish...
[A picture of Craig's dad with text beneath it that says "Get drunk!" accompanied by audio of Craig's dad:] Get drunk!
Uh, it's a little early for that, Dad.
[A picture of Craig's dad with text beneath it that says "Get drunk!" accompanied by audio of Craig's dad:] Get drunk!
Dad, I got things to do. I can't...
[A picture of Craig's dad with text beneath it that says "Get drunk!" accompanied by audio of Craig's dad:] Get drunk!
[raises a glass of wine to toast] Happy Fathers Day, Dad.
[A picture of Craig's dad with text beneath it that says "Get drunk!" accompanied by audio of Craig's dad:] Atta boy, son.
This is actually Ty the Regular Guy's wine. [Takes a sip] Hmm. No discerning taste.
You'll notice there was no Free Bagel Friday today. Yeah, sorry about that. Not only is Sunday Father's Day but today is actually a national holiday in America known as [covers mouth and mumbles]. So I couldn't possibly go into work. I wish I wouldn't have rubbed my mouth when I said that. Now you'll never know.
Breathing is my thing. [breathes in and out]
[Viewer-submitted wink accompanied by Wheezy Waiter outro music]
And also claimed to join a cult that killed dogs. [Text on screen with an arrow pointing to Craig's mouth: crouton mouth] [Craig licks the inside of his mouth] So yeah, anyway... [Craig licks the inside of his mouth]
[Craig, lying so his head is upside down hanging off his bed, takes a sip from his coffee mug. Coffee spills as he's getting up. Text on screen: coffee spill]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, "I love it when the coffee's done!", headlines, alternate camera angle, "get drunk!", breathing being his thing, wink, outtakes

External links

Millionaire Dogs on YouTube