Meteors, Dinosaurs, and Foot Rubs
|"Meteors, Dinosaurs, and Foot Rubs"|
|Original Upload date||January 3, 2012|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||DocKooky|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today I thought it'd be fun to... [stares at something offscreen] Oh my god! is how i would react if I was looking at something scary, but I'm not. [Shot from behind Craig. We see Craig sitting in front of passing dinosaurs.] They're just stegosaurus grazing in the lake. They're herbivores. Everyone knows that. [Ducks as something flies through frame] They do have sharp tails, though. Watch out for that.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Sorry. I was doing a little time travel earlier and I guess I time traveled my apartment into the early Jurassic period. Hehe. That's ridiculous. Stegosaurus is in the Late Jurassic period.
So I've only been here for a few hours now, and I don't think I've altered the course of history yet except that I have a SHOE FOR A HAND! [Raises his hand which has a shoe on it.] Oh wait, no. [Takes shoe off his hand] Just a shoe on my hand. Why do I have a shoe on my hand? Oh yeah. Clone's giving me a foot rub. [Shot of clone giving foot rub.] Clone, you have girl hands. [Extreme closeup of clone's hands.]
[Clone:] You have girl's feet.
[Craig:] This is more disturbing than I thought it would be.
[Clone:] I agree.
So yesterday, to you, I asked you what your favorite thing was that happened in the intro, and I said I'd tally up the top 50. Well, it was a 50-way tie. It included everything that happened. Success! [Poster that says Success on it] And to those who didn't write down a favorite, failure. [Poster that says Failure on it] Oh look, failures, I guess you're an unhappy college football player instead of a satisfied baby on the beach.
Why you gotta be a failure? You're letting life walk all over you. I think it's time to put a foot down. [Stomps his foot.]
[Craig looks down.] Oh. Right. Never put a foot down in the middle of a foot rub. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: Never put a foot down in the middle of a foot rub. -Craig Benzine]
Well, I guess I get it. You just didn't understand my stupid questions. I can be weird sometime. Or, more likely, you didn't have fingers to type. If you were stumped, I'll try to be more understanding. And if you are stumped, I suggest voice recognition software for fingerless typing.
But enough of my stupid babble! Here's something we can all enjoy. Even without fingers or understanding.
[shows headline] Quadrantid meteor shower to light up night sky. [reads from article] Meteor watchers in North America can expect to see 60 to 200 meteors an hour.
Oh wowee wow wow wow! Awesome! At what time? When when when when when? During which side of minutes of which side of hours can we see this?
[reads from article] 3 a.m. local time Wednesday
3 a.m.? [sighs] Don't really need to see it. Gotta get up early tomorrow. [sighs]
I suppose I could travel directly to 3 a.m. Wednesday, watch the meteor, go back to 10 p.m. Tuesday night and then go to sleep. But I'm running out of time travel juices. Have you seen the price of time travel juices lately? [whistles] [whistles (Back to the Future reference)]
Ugh, who really needs to see a meteor anyway? Ooh, bring light going real fast in the sky. Pffft. Just look at a star and turn your head real fast. [Does it] Like that. And you're fine.
Here. See this? [A picture of stars in a night sky appears onscreen.] Now turn your head real fast! There. You just saw a bunch of meteors. And one of 'em was my face. Whoopadeedoo.
Or here. Check this out. [Touches something on his phone.] Okay. [Leans forward and switches off light. Keeps switching and it gets even darker. Switches a few more times and the room is dark.] Whoosh. [Swings his phone with a light on it through the air] There. Meteor. Whoa! Whoosh. [Does it again.] Ooh wow, meteor! Pfft. [Lights are back on.] Dur dur dur dur dur.
Oh wait, my time machine has a giant magnet on it that has the power to pull in meteors with the right frequency. I'll just adjust that. [gets up suddenly] [Comes out of time travel room.] There we go. Meteor should be on its way. [Gets darker] Why's it getting darker? [Looking out window] Oh no! The meteor's too big!
[Clone, still giving foot rub:] Can I stop now?
[Craig:] Shut up! I'm thinking! That meteor's big enough to kill off all the dinosaurs. Ohhhh. So that's how it happens. Well, better get outta here. [Starts walking]
[Clone:] Ow, rug burn! Rug burn!
[Wheezy Waiter dominos outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) with same dinosaurs behind him]
[Craig swings his phone with a light on it through the air while sitting in the dark.] Whoosh. Oh wow, a meteor. Pfft. Whoosh. Oh wow, a meteor. Pffft. Whoosh. Oh wow, a meteor. Pffft. [Turns light on]
Chyna Pate makes a guest appearance (or two) in this video. We'll let you figure out where exactly she appears.
Meteors, Dinosaurs, and Foot Rubs on YouTube