Hey beardlovers. So everything that happens after the intro in this video is a thing I did for this thing called Stickaid. No that has nothing to do with first aid adhesives. Well, it has a little bit to do with that. But it's a 24 hour live fundraising that happened last weekend.
You'll know it's in the past because this blemish is a lot more pronounced. [Points to zit on his face.]
But I've since overcome that.
Applause please now. [Audience applauds.] Thank you.
So rather than have that video just be played for the live audience only, I decided to let you in on it. But in order for this video to make sense, you have to pretend that it's being shown on a live internet show being hosted by British people. And anything mean I say about British people in this video, I didn't mean it. I was drunk. On fundraising.
And if you don't care about any of this, at some point, I do eat a turkey sandwich in slow motion. So enjoy.
Oh yeah! And all the money that this video makes I will donate to Unicef so you don't have to feel bad wasting time watching a grown man eat a turkey sandwich and screaming in slow motion.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey Stickaid lovers. And beardlovers. If you're a Stickaid lover and you don't know what a beardlover is, well, a beardlover is what people who watch me are called. They don't necessarily have to love beards. That would just be asking too much of my audience. They do have to enjoy watching a weird old balding dude act like a child alone in his apartment every day, though. Doing things like punching eagles. [The eagle flies into frame. Craig punches it.] Regularly making clones.
[A clone emerges from the cloning area:] Hooray! I'm alive!
Then sending them to the alligator pit.
[Clone:] Boo! I'm dead.
[Craig nods as the clone jumps into the alligator pit, yelling as he falls. Alligator munches as Craig keeps nodding.]
Having convos with my pet whale. Right, whale? [whale sounds] Oh, you don't say. [whale sounds] Hahahaha! Haha! Whoa, that's racist.
And sometimes I cry. [Sobs as words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh]
My name is Wheezy Waiter. It's nice to meet you, Stickaid lovers. Shake my hand. [Puts his hand up to camera and then quickly swipes it towards his head and presses down his hair] Oh! Haha! You actually did shake my hand. I'm just putting your hand grease in my hair. I read it was healthy somewhere. Once. I read it once. It's probably healthy more than once.
So now you know more about me or are more thoroughly confused. But this video isn't about me. It's about Stickaid. I just wanted to tell you about myself first so I earned your respect and you listen to what I say. Or I made you fear for humanity and you were inspired to change things.
And to beardlovers who don't know what Stickaid is, allow me to explain. Right after I eat this turkey sandwich in slow mo. [Holds up a plate with a turkey sandwich on it.]
[Eats a turkey sandwich in slow mo. Talks while he eats it.] Mmm. Oh yeah! Good sandwich! Mmm. [makes nomming sound] Mmm. Hmm mmm. Mmm. Yeah! [Takes another big bite and makes nomming sounds, still in slow motion.] Mmm. [Makes a growling sound in slow motion as he shoves the sandwich into his mouth.] Mmm. [Text on screen: LAST BITE!] [Craig eats last bite.] Mmm. [Licks his fingers.] Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. My videos are usually three to four minutes long, and they asked me to make a five minute video, so... [shrugs] [Text on screen: hence, the slow-mo.] [Lifts the sandwich to eat more.] I like to eat the last bite early.
So what did it take to make that sandwich? Bread. Cheese. Tomato. Illegal steroid powder. Mustard. Lettuce. Turkey. Haha. Oh, haha... Emit that steroid thing. That was just a joke. [whale sounds] No, just because I said the word joke doesn't mean I wanna hear one of your racist jokes again, whale!
I bought all of those things in a local grocery store. Most of those were shipped from far away. And I bought them with my own money that I made because I live in a healthy economy. Well, relatively healthy.
There are places in the world where it's hard for people to get even one of those ingredients. Much less eat them in slow mo. Or watch some jerk online eat them in slow mo. Because they don't have computers. They don't have money to buy the food. They don't have local markets where the food is shipped to. They don't have refrigeration. They don't have a health code to even trust if the food is safe. I bet many of the kids in these places don't even have the knowledge that they can even have these things. I'd say, yeah, relative to that, our economy is pretty healthy.
Someone oughta do something about that. Oh hey! This guy named Miles Dyer started a thing called Stickaid, which is what I'm doing this video for right now, and they're doing something about it!
Stickaid's raising money for UNICEF. It used to stand for United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund. They changed it to United Nations Children's Fund but they still call it UNICEF and I think that's because it sounds better than UNCF.
No matter how hard I try, vowels are always necessary. Dmnt! See? [These words appear onscreen beside him as he says them: No matter how hard I try vowels are always necessary. Dmnt!...See? -Craig Benzine]
So what does UNICEF do? They do lots of things. They educate kids in impoverished areas about diseases like HIV. Immunizations. Provide nutritional needs. Support for emergencies. All the stuff that it says here on their website. And if you know how to read like I don't, you should check it out. UNICEF dot org.
Many many things that I'm sure your distinguished Stickaid hosts have already talked about albeit in an English accent. I should probably throw in a little bit of British so you remember you're watching Stickaid. [talks in a British accent[ Blimey, guvnor. That was a sticky wicky. 'alo! I forgot to eat my crumpets! [back in his regular accent] What's a crumpet?
Now British, before you get offended, let me say I prefer the British Office to the American Office. There I said it.
Americans? I respect the American Office more because it makes more money and as Americans that's all we like. Am I right? Plus it has more episodes.
Sometimes less is more, but always more is more. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: Sometimes less is more but always more is more. -Craig Benzine]
Which is why we need to do more for children in need. The goal is thirty thousand of these things. [The symbol for the British pound appears onscreen beside him.] I'm not sure what thing is. [Text onscreen beneath the symbol: it's a Pound] It looks like an F floating in the sea. [Text onscreen beneath the symbol: Craig's an idiot.] And that might be really hard to raise thirty thousand of 'em [Text onscreen beneath the symbol: You can donate $ too.] 'cause I've never seen one of those in reality before.
Do Fs even float? I guess the word float does start with an F so if you just cut out an F and put it in the water and then put it an envelope... Oh, just send money! I mean, if you want to. If not, maybe just click Like on Facebook or tweet about this.
Miles and others are doing this for 24 hours, which is why they needed a break and they had me on. I'm actually doing this live right now. This is actually how I talk when I'm live. It's weird. It takes a lot of getting used to in person. On the internet it seems to work out just fine. What, you don't believe me? Here, look. This is a side angle of it.
[The camera shoots Craig from his left side. He's staring straight ahead in front of him at nothing. A wall.] This is how it would look [jump cut/he's now closer to the wall] if you were watching me [jump cut/he's now further away from the wall] talking to someone in person. [jump cut/he's now closer again] Why would you do that? That's [jump cut/he's now closer to the wall] creepy and [jump cut/he's now further away] weird.
I've struggled with jump cutting most of my life. People always calling me an improper editing technique. [imitating those people] What is this, French nouveau? Get lost, Godard! Your plot lines are too ambiguous!
Kids can be so cruel. And surprisingly film-savvy.
But then YouTube came along, and it was a gift. Thankfully I live in a society where I can afford a computer. Unlike many kids in the world. Still, this is pretty nerve-wracking, doing this live. What if I accidentally swore or some *shirt*? [The shirt used to censor him is a Stickaid shirt.] Oh yeah, luckily I'm censored in reality too.
It's kinda weird how it got dark in like four minutes here, huh? Well, I guess it's beddy byes time. Not for our hosts, though. They should be coming back on soon. Well-rested. Let's give 'em a warm welcome, shall we? Let's get excited! That's right. [Applause builds.] Yeah! Could you ask them what a crumpet is please? I'm gonna go lay down on my new couch until they ask me to come back on again. Donate to UNICEF! [heads for the couch]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Craig lies on his couch as applause continues. He snores loudly as a thought bubble appears next to him. He's dreaming the slow mo footage from earlier of him eating the sandwich.]
beardlovers, singing rug, eagle, clone, alligator pit, whale tank, flying-words sob, Craig quotes, *shirt*, new couch, wink
Man Eats Sandwich on YouTube