|Original Upload date||December 31, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||WheezyWaiter|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I have some news. Today is my last video ever. Was I supposed to say something else? Let's see. [holds up binder and reads from it] 'Say 'was I supposed to say something else?', pick up script, read stage direction aloud, and then say 'This year.' Ah. [puts down script] My last video ever this year. [pause] Why hasn't the intro started yet? [picks up binder again and reads] 'Say 'why hasn't the intro started yet?', pick up script, read stage direction aloud, and then the intro starts right after this sentence.'
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So why is this my last video this year? Because it's New Year's Eve. [laughs] Wow, you're really dumb. Wow. Stupid hypothetical person who doesn't exist because everyone already knows that it's New Year's Eve, you are an idiot!
People who are dumber than me should just go away. Like on a rocketship, off the planet. But then again, I read 'The Road' and being the last person on Earth doesn't seem very appealing to me, so you can stick around, morons. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: People who are dumber than me should just go away like on a rocketship off the planet, but then again I read 'The Road' and being the last person on Earth doesn't seem very appealing to me, so you can stick around, morons. -Craig Benzine]
But I'm not referring to you, beardlover. You are a smart.
And I also wanna thank you for sticking around and watching my videos every time I put one up.
I'm being one hundred percent honest when I say this has been the best year of my life. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to entertain all of you for a living. And because of what I do, I got to interview John Lasseter, creator of Toy Story. [Video of interview plays in a box on screen.] I got this light saber. [Craig turns on light saber.] Tour 20th Century Fox to promote the latest Planet of the Apes movie. Go out on tour with my band Driftless Pony Club three times all over the country. Also light saber. [Craig swings the light saber around.] Raised over ten thousand dollars to fight youth homelessness. That's right. I still gotta make and sleep in an igloo for that. I will. Something something light saber. [Craig jump-spins while wielding the light saber.] And made a significant contribution to Project for Awesome this year. And many, many other things. But at the risk of getting too sentimental, I'm not gonna talk about them anymore. I'm gonna make a clone do it. Which is why I made Sentimental Clone.
[A clone pops out from behind Craig's chair and waves:] Hey guys.
[Craig:] He's gonna do all the sentimental stuff for me. Take it away, senti!
[Craig sits back on the couch while the clone talks to camera:] Well, I guess we'll start with the classics. [He's holding a rock.] Which are composed of silicate minerals, like quartz, feldspar, lithic fragments, clay minerals, and mica. [Craig, on the couch, looks confused.] Now it's important to understand the Udden-Wentworth grain-size scale.
[Craig:] Hey, stop it!
[The clone leaps into the alligator pit as Craig addresses the camera.]
[Craig:] Oops. I guess I made a Sedimental Clone.
[The clone yells as he falls into the alligator pit:] Aaaaaa! [lands] This soil has a Port Silt Loam consistency found in Oklahoma. I would have expected more of a Loess consistency common to the Midwest. That's very interesting. This is gonna require further study. [The alligator munches.]
[Craig:] Moving on. [The clone yells as he's being eaten.]
So thank you for the best year of my life, beardlovers. It continues to amaze me every day that I get to do this. And I hope you all have a happy new year. [Opens his window and yells] Happy New Year!
[A voice replies:] It's New Year's Eve, jerk!
[Craig yells out the window:] Oh. My mistake. Come back at midnight, and I will utilize the proper nomenclature.
So back in 2010, I quit my job to do this full-time, and I told a friend that I was finally free. And he said, 'That's great, but when I'm free, I feel listless. Do you feel listless?' And I guess that's kinda true. It seems that people do their best work when they're working towards success. People need limits, challenges to overcome. When everything's handed to you on a silver platter, you get lazy. The life I have now is kind of the life I've always wanted, and it could be easy to slack off. So, to avoid feeling listless, I've made a list.
[Makes a trumpet sound while showing off his a whiteboard with his list of goals.] Goals for 2012. Divided by personal goals, video goals, and general Wheeziness.
Things to take note of. [points at goals as he talks about them] I'm going to smile more than 358 times next year. I smiled that many times this year. I counted. Gonna solve the washer and dryer mystery. Remember this right after I moved into my new apartment? [A clip plays of the lights near the washer and dryer going on and off and Craig looking freaked out.] What was that about? Here's probably the most important goal. Four videos a week at least. If I don't, you can punish me. We'll decide how later. Down in General Wheeziness, we're gonna raise 20k for good causes. I don't know how, but we're gonna do it! [drops pen he's holding as he gestures. Picks up another pen and writes a new goal under Personal Goals] Pick up green marker.
Oh, also, this is my 600th video. In honor of that, I'm gonna wink 600 times. [Winks (ding), winks (ding), winks (ding), winks (ding), winks (ding), winks (ding)] Maybe just six.
[Wheezy Waiter dominos outro plays.]
Oh yeah, I forgot. There's another thing I got in 2011. Chyna, could you come out here please? Go... Could you stand, like, right there? [points behind him] Right there? [Chyna enters and stands where he tells her to.] Yep. This... Yeah. Okay. go like this. Go like this. [Gestures to her to slowly widen her hands.] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. [Focuses camera on her.] Just... yeah, just do that. I got a new couch!! [pans camera to couch] YEAH! Oh, and that's my girlfriend Chyna, in case you were wondering who that is. [Chyna stands in the background, hands on hips. Craig looks around for a moment. He looks at her.] Thank you. [She smiles, laughs to herself, and walks out of frame.]
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), Project for Awesome, Sedimental clone, alligator pit, wink, new couch
His list of goals for 2012 (see below) include references to the following recurring elements: eagle, Revenge clone, giant teleporting bearded coffee mug, whale tank, interactive video, conversation with comments, Explosion Wednesday, new couch, Ty the Regular Guy, and Free Bagel Friday.
GOALS FOR 2012
-Lose 10 pounds
-Smile More than 358 times
-2 day beard scraggle limit
-Go to Europe
-Get Cousin Lois to watch a video.
-Shoutouts at least once a month
-Make amends with Eagle
-Find and stop Revenge Clone
-Solve washer and dryer mystery
-Solve teleporting mug mystery
-Clean the Whale Tank
-Pick up green marker
-4 videos a week or punished
-3 Action Adventures
-5 Choose your own adventures
-3 Film Noirs
-1 Sports related
-3 Music Videos
-12 Comment videos
-5 Creative Analysis/Inspirational
-Test out Explosion Wednesday
-Display new couch.
-Complete Seasons 3 and 4 of Ty the Regular Guy
-Bring back Free Bagel Friday
-Wheezynews twice a week
General Wheeziness Goals
-New T-shirt once a Month
-3 blog posts a week. More than just video
-Raise 20K for good causes
Listful on YouTube