[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey, good morning facelovers. [Chair doesn't stop rolling.] Whoa! My beard gave me wind resistance. I don't have that anymore.
[walks in the background, can't walk towards camera] Oh oh oh!!
Oh, I have to tie my shoe. [bends down to tie shoe, falls down]
Some of you commenters think I look better without a beard. I'm sorry I don't think so. [holds his head in a position so he has a double chin] I think it makes me look like I have a fat face. And for some reason, my face just doesn't look long enough. I expect to see more stuff down here. [gestures to where his beard usually is]
It's like someone took my face and went [squeezes the top and bottom of his face so it's like's compressing his head]
I look like the Hamburglar. I also really like to steal burgers. I'm just saying. You better not invite me to a barbecue. I've lost many friends that way. But I've gained many burgers. Maybe I am the Hamburglar. Guess it wouldn't be too bad. He always looks so happy. I guess it would explain that raw meat I always find lying around. Phew. I thought I was a serial killer.
As you may or may not know, YouTube sensation Toddly00 and I are in the middle of a beard-growing competition. Time to go through those forms of rapid beard growth taught to me in the mountains of Malaysia by Raaa...bertson. [Makes a series of moves in the background including something resembling a karate chop, repeated pelvic thrusting, riding a bicycle, spinning.] Hair come out! Hair come out! Hair come out! [Sitting again, Wheezy puffs out his cheeks and makes a sound like he's trying to force his beard to grow.] That oughta do for the day.
You know, the great Raaa...bertson also once told me that warm weather makes hair go faster. No, that might have been Yahoo Answers. Anyway, I think this calls for some [holds up a box of Cocoa Krispies] Kokomo Krispies.
[To the sound of Wheezy singing "Kokomo," Wheezy enters with a couple of beers, no shirt, sunglasses, captain's hat, guitar, and a towel. He lays towel down on the ground. He squeezes some sun lotion into his palm and begins applying it to his arms and chest. He puts some on his nose.] [singing:] Aruba, Jamaica, oooh, I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on, pretty mama... Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Kokomo... We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow. That's where we wanna go. Way down to Kokomo.
[He pours cereal and milk in the bowl and takes a bite.] Hmm. I don't like Cocoa Krispies.
[Winker:] See you next time. [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[outtakes:] [Wheezy, singing:] Where we wanna go... [smiles and points at camera.]
singing rug, facelovers, beard-growing competition, breakfast puns, song, wink, outtakes
This is the first time Wheezy calls his audience facelovers, a play on his usual habit of calling them beardlovers.
Kokomo Krispies on YouTube