[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Dramatic manual zoom. [He zooms camera in. Dun dun dun music. Craig stares at camera with dramatic expression.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Everything is dramatic with the zoom.
[turns to alternate camera angle] Oh fiddlesticks, I have a hangnail. [Zoom/dun dun dun music. Dramatic expression. Turns back to main camera angle] And if you want more intensity, you go quick like this. [Quick zoom] Waaaaaaaaow!
[Extreme closeup on Craig's upper face] While I'm here, I can explain rack focus. It's when you change focus in the middle of the shot. [His face goes blurry as camera focuses in on background, the kitchen] See that bag of chips there? Now watch this. [racks focus so bag of chips is blurry but his eye is in focus] That implies that either I'm thinking about that bag of chips or [racks focus so bag of chips is in focus] or that bag of chips is watching me. [Racks focus so he's in focus] Creepy. Gotta zoom out. This is getting too intense. [Zooms out.]
Hang on just a second. [Goes to kitchen, takes the bag of chips off the shelf, and punches it. The bag falls on the floor.]
After I rack focus on things, I gotta punch them. Keep 'em in line.
That's why I used to have a cameraman follow me in the ring when I was a professional boxer. Just gave me a reason, you know? But then one day during training, the cameraman racked focus on a mirror. Didn't have a cameraman after that. I can really talk about nothing forever, can't I?
Feel like you're learning something? You shouldn't. But according to a survey by the Pew Internet and American Life Project, [shows article] more people get their news from the internet than newspaper or radio. [closeup of picture that accompanies article of someone signing into Facebook] Apparently most of it's from the Facebook sign-in page.
I prefer LOLCats. [shot of picture of a LOLCat on Craig's monitor] Haha... kitty squished in trashcan! And I like to use the zoom function. [zoom in on cat picture/dun dun dun music]
Or I just watch myself. [Watching clip from this video:] ...this. [Quick zoom] Waaaaaaaaow! [Craig laughs and watches it again] ...this. [Quick zoom] Waaaaaaaaow! [Craig laughs and watches it again] ...this. [Quick zoom] Waaaaaaaaow! [Craig blinks, bored. Watches clip again] ...this. [Quick zoom] Waaaaaaaaow! [Craig laughs] Funny Wheezy is funny.
That's it. End of the week. No coffee today. What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do? Nothing! Wait, you have a gun? Put that down. Put that down.
So next Monday and Tuesday, I'll be on location. In Vegas. My work is sending me there to get drunk and pick up prostitutes. Film a conference. They're sending me there to film a conference. I have to make sure I remember that.
So, [waves] see you in... oh *shirt*, it's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels. Craig walks up.]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] You're not the boss of me.
[Craig:] Yeah, I guess you're right. [Turns around to camera. Racks focus so that his boss comes into focus as he cuts the bagel.]
[Craig's boss:] What are you doing?
[Craig turns and punches his boss, who goes flying. Craig grabs bagel and leaves.]
[Winker:] Hey Craig, look what I got. [snaps fingers and a bagel appears] That's right. I bet you want this, huh? Well, too bad. [takes a bite of bagel. Winks (ding)]
[Craig:] You better watch yourself, young man!
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Dramatic manual zoom. [Reaches to zoom. Laughs. Slides out.] That made me laugh.
[Shot of picture of a LOLcat on Craig's monitor. Camera zooms in. Camera zooms even further in as Craig leans ever so slightly into frame. Zooms even further in on the cat.]
singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, headlines, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink, outtakes
Kitty Squished in Trashcan on YouTube