[Craig leans into frame and sings:] Hellooooo
[A clone leans in and sings along:] Hellooooo
[A second clone leans in and sings:] Goodbye
[Craig:] Wrong line! [Pulls out a gun and shoots the second clone, who collapses on the bed.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey beardlovers. It's May 10th. Happy birthday Bono! Allow me to play one of your songs as a tribute. [Raises guitar and plays it and sings. The sounds is bleeped out as a title appears on screen: Copyright violation]
Wow! That's the best performance I've ever witnessed. Better than a dolphin with a beach ball. Better than a monkey beating a Chinese man. On second thought, no, that's better. [Shows picture of a monkey hitting a Chinese man] Happy birthday, Bono.
What else happened today? Happy Mothers Day! In El Salvador, Guatemala, and Mexico. Feliz dia des madres. I don't know if I said that right, but I do sound very smart to those who don't speak Spanish.
That's the trick to sounding smart. Talk about things that the people you're with don't know anything about.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side.]
[Craig:] Pie is not only a delicious food but it is also a mathematical, uh, thing that equals 3.14
[Clone:] Actually, pi is an irrational number and using super computers over 1 trillion digits have been found, which I will recite right now. 3.14159265358979...
[Craig shoots the clone, who slumps over dead.]
[Craig:] Argh, nobody likes a smarty person... brain... person.
Don't worry. That's not murder. Clones are just dumb versions of me I use to do my chores.
[A clone comes out of the kitchen, sweeping:] What's that?
[Craig:] I told you to sweep and mop the thing, clone.
[Clone:] The floor?
[Craig:] Okay, what are you? An architect now? Andrew Lloyd... Bridges.
[Clone:] Andrew Lloyd Weber is an English composer. I think you mean Frank Lloyd Wright.
[Craig:] More like Frank Lloyd Wrong. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. [The clone walks away] I'm gonna kill him later.
Wait a second. [sniffs twice] [from alternate camera angle, we see him sniffing the air] [and from the main camera angle] [and from the alternate camera angle] [and the main angle] [and the alternate camera angle] [and the main camera angle] [and the alternate camera angle] [and the main camera angle] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done!
[In the kitchen, he pours coffee. He sips it.] Mmm. This coffee is so good it should be made illegal and then after a series of protests from hippies become legalized.
[Craig enters the kitchen.] Hey! You're not me. You're my clone!
[Clone:] I'm your clone.
[Craig:] You drank all the coffee! I'm really angry! And so is Johnny Cash. [looks over his shoulder at Johnny Cash calendar hanging on wall behind him]
[Closeup of picture of Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash's voice says:] Hello. I'm Johnny Cash. [A Johnny Cash song starts but is quickly bleeped out as the words "Copyright violation" appear on screen]
[Clone:] Hey, there's still some left. [Takes a long drink from the mug.] Mmm. Oops, uh, no, it's gone.
[Craig:] Grrr! [looks at camera] Grrr! [looks at camera again] I need to invest in a zoom remote. [reaches to camera and zooms it in as he says] Grrrr! [Dun dun dun music]
[Title on black screen: Censored due to extreme violence. We can hear audio.]
[Clone:] Ahhh! I'm your clone! Must you kill me so violently?
[Craig:] You deserve it! Brutally murders clone. But it's not murder.
[Viewer:] Hey, people of internet. Wanna see my new Wheezy shirt? [tilts down to show the coffee shirt. Craig's face on the shirt winks (ding). Tilts camera back up.] That's not supposed to happen.
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Feliz dia des madres. [Exercises his tongue a bit and makes funny noises] Feliz dia des madres. [Does more tongue funny noises] How do I get my Spanish tongue? [Makes more funny noises with his tongue]
clone, song, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
Killing Clones is not Murder on YouTube