[slides in/singing rug]
Alright beardlovers. Let's just sit back, relax. Let's just enjoy the EXPLOSION!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
It's Wednesday [pounds fists together which causes an explosion. Turns to alternate camera angle] Wednesday [Does a kick in mid-air/explosion] Explosion [pops up from below frame/explosion] Wednesday!
Again, I'm not so sure if I'm gonna make Explosion Wednesday a thing. Or not.
Let's see what's in the explosive news!
[shows headlines] Russian officials FUME in adoption case.
It appears the American adoptive parents of a Russian boy did what I always do to things I don't like. One-way ticket to Moscow! [shows article] The boy was sent alone with a letter that read "This child is mentally unstable. He is VIOLENT and has severe PSYCHOPATHIC issues/behaviors."
He's seven years old. Every seven-year old is a psychopathic little violent monster. Deal with it, American parents! [turns to alternate camera angle] Bad adoptive parents deserve a Russian missile STRIKE! [Launches missile from his hand. Turns to main camera angle]
In other news, a volcano erupted in Iceland under a glacier. [sound of explosion. Craig ducks for a second.] Huh. My missile hit something.
[shows article] Man sells old video game for $31,600. The game is called Air Raid, and it's only one of 12 known in the world, putting him on the digital fast track to financial stability [shows video game with cars that crash] Whoop! Maybe not anymore. He's dead.
If anyone out there owns Air Raid for Atari, you may want to consider selling it. To me. For five dollars.
Also, how much do you think he'd pay for ... uh... Conan for the Nintendo Entertainment System? [holds it up] It's as god-awful as my salesmanship. Or, say... any of these. [holds up box of games]
Let's see. Where was I? Oh yeah. [turns to alternate camera angle] EXPLOSION! [turns to another camera angle] EXPLOSION! [And back to main camera angle] EXPLO... [picture of a building imploding] Hmm. That's an implosion. My bad. DOUBLE EXPLOSION! Made up for it.
And I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [Pounds fist which causes an explosion that propels his chair backwards into the kitchen to get the coffee.] I don't see the coffee maker. What happened to it? Did my missile destroy it? What sweet hell is this? [Dramatic zoom and dun dun dun music as fires burn in Craig's eyes] Noooooo.... Oh wait. The camera was in the way. It's still there. [pours coffee] Mmm. Delicious coffee.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) followed by explosion. Viewer is naked, charred, the earth is barren, and his hair is on fire.]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtakes: Craig jumps on his bed and does a kick in the air] Explosion!