Hey beardlovers. It's July 9th.
Apparently my video schedule continues to control the stock market because stocks plummeted today in a big way. [Headline: Stocks slump on bank woes.] Many economists have theories as to why. But I have the truth. The reason is [clip of Samuel Jackson from Jurassic Park:] "Hold onto your butts. [Wheezy again:] It's Bad News Day Wednesday. Thank you Samuel. [another clip of Samuel Jackson from Jurassic Park:] Goddamnit! I hate this hacker crap! [Wheezy looks at the camera, confused.]
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under a new intro that says 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week... ...Today is bad news day Wednesday...' while an original song about bad news plays over the intro.]
That song was written for my intro by Kris Racer. If you'd like to write a song for the Wheezy Waiter intro, I'm the guy to send it to. Just click on the contact link above if you're on wheezywaiter dot com and send it to that e-mail address. Try to make it coincide with a certain day's theme. The themes are linked in the sidebar on wheezywaiter dot com. Tomorrow's theme is pop culture. Better get writin'.
Blah blah blah. That was boring. How about this?
[Craig mimes playing on his guitar, intercut with a clip from some movie with some guy doing a guitar solo. Craig pours beer into his mouth]
[shows comment from phil: Woulda been funny to see the beer go back into the bottle. :D]
Was that backwards drinking better for you, Phil?
Oh yeah, the bad news.
[reading article:] Iran reports missile tests, drawing rebuke. I ran? I ron? Iran? Rebuke? Rebooook? Rebukake?
Hey, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, remember yesterday when I reported we gave you cigarettes, bras, and bull semen? What more do you want from us? Oh, you want clove cigarettes? Okay. [licks tip of pen and starts writing a list] Alright, clove cigarettes? Oh... pushup bras, you say. Okay. [licks tip of pen again and continues writing] What color? Ohh, Mahmoud, green isn't your color. You need something that highlights your eyes. You have beautiful eyes, Mahmoud. Aww, yes you do. Yes you do.
[Reading article:] Senate backs wiretap bill to shield phone companies.
[clip of Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park:] That is one big pile of shit.
But Senator Christopher S. Bond said, "there was nothing to fear in the bill 'unless you have Al Qaeda on your speed dial.'" heh. I guess it's not a big deal. Wait a second... [pulls out cell phone] Delete, delete, delete.
[Reading article:] "The salmonella outbreak hits 1,000 cases with a new culprit." Jalapenos. What? My chips and salsa are poisonous? I love chips and salsa. My intro before July even featured chips and salsa. I had a contest to see who could write the best song about chips and salsa.
When I think about chips and salsa, it's like this. [clip from Jurassic Park of Jeff Goldblum laughing in the airplane]
When I shop for chips and salsa, it's like this.[Clip of Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park: "Top of the line, spare no expense."]
When I open chips and salsa, it's like this. [clip from Jurassic Park of Wayne Knight cackling happily].
When I eat chips and salsa, it's like this. [A clip from Jurassic Park of a dinosaur eating a man who's sitting on the toilet. The dinosaur swings his head back and forth with the man in its mouth.]
Uhhh maybe I wouldn't eat it off of a toilet. Yes I would.
Alright J. Tyler, say goodbye for us.
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[outtakes: Wheezy pours beer into his mouth]
beardlovers, Bad News Wednesday, headlines, comments, chips and salsa, wink
Jurassic Salsa on YouTube