[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [Sentimental music starts playing] I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I don't have to rely on things like boobs in thumbnails or controversial titles to get you to like me. You like me for me. I'm gonna do everything I can to maintain that integrity. Here take some money. Take it now! [Throws money at the camera] Love it! Is that sleazy? That was sleazy. I got a better idea. Take some more money. [Throws more money at the camera] Take it all! You remember where you got that from, okay?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait don't wait just kidding wait wait. You can't transfer money through video. [gasps. Pulls lamp down so the lightbulb is over his head.] Idea!
[holding up a 20 dollar bill] Here's what you do. Step one. Screencapture. Step two. Print in mass quantities. Step three. Go shopping. Step four. Get caught. Step five. Go to jail. Step six. Befriend a Morgan Freeman. Step seven. Escape in a sewer. Step eight. Reunite with Morgan Freeman on the beach. Step nine. Happy ending. You're welcome.
You just remember where you got those instructions from.
Wait, is Morgan Freeman the guy in Chain Reaction? Could you get his autograph? 'Kay, thanks, bye.
In the news today, [shows article] Senate approves long-delayed food safety bill.
Oh yes!! Now I can eat my food uninhibited! [picks up a bowl of cereal] Cereal. Aaaaaaa! [Puts his face down in the bowl of cereal. Lifts it up. Cereal's all gone.] Mmm. [Puts a bottle of juice up to his lips. It's gone instantaneously as he swallows hard.]. Oh no. [He's not looking too good.] That was a reasonable amount of cereal but too much juice. [Can barely talk] I thought it was supposed to be safe. I know it was you, Senate. You broke my heart. Oh yeah, only the Senate passed the bill. A biill has to pass both houses of Congress by a majority vote and then it's sent along to the president who can either veto or sign the bill. Food's still dangerous as hell.
What should I do? I'll ask Twitter. [holds up phone] Dear Twitter, OMG OMG OMG OMG... OMG... I drank too much juice. What should I do? Regards. Juice Man? Juicy and the Pussycats? Harry Connick Juicer? Fiona Applejuice? How about Craig? That works.
I think I'll wait for one a little while later ellipses
[Title on screen: a little while later...]
Let's check the responses.
[shows tweet by NemoOnPiano:] Burp. Burp like you've just had way too much juice.
Alright. Here goes. [His face turns red. Really really red. Teeny tiny burp. Then back to normal.] Hope that works.
[shows tweet by Monkefist:] Don't burp.
Oh geez. That is the exact opposite of what I just did.
[shows tweets by TheYoto345 and alicevera] These people say I should travel back in time and stop myself. That might work. [Gets up]
[Title on screen: a little while ago...]
[As Craig puts a carton of juice up to his lips, Craig enters the frame.]
Don't do it! I'm you from the future and I feel terrible.
[Past Craig:] *Ding* you! Juice is awesome. [He imbibes the juice instantly. Leaning back in his chair, looking sick, he groans.]
[Craig:] I used to be such a jerk,
I guess the lesson here is you can't change your desitny blah blah something something.
[shows tweet from quirkymoth] Climb a tree.
That doens't make any sense. Okay. [Gets up and walks towards kitchen, singing] Climbing a tree. Climb... [looks out window] Whoa! Trees are huge. I quit.
[shows tweet by RobTheChick] Craig would never make such a silly mistake so obviously you are a clone. Get to the alligator pit!
Whaaaat? That's silly.
[Craig enters frame:] Clone, what are you doing in my chair? Get to the alligator pit!
[Clone:] Okay, sir.
[Craig sighs] I gotta pay more attention to what goes on around here. [In the background, the clone jumps into the alligator pit. Alligator growls but doesn't munch.] Hey, juice! [Puts it to his lips. It disappears. He moans.]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Craig groaning.] Hey! Wanna see what I did in Canada with Shay Carl and Corey Vidal? [points to annotation] Watch this video.
[The clone calls from the alligator pit:] Hey! The alligator won't eat me.
[Craig:] You're too sweet. You're just gonna have to wait until the juice gets through your system.
singing rug, beardlovers, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait..., headlines, Twitter, time travel, *ding*, clone, alligator pit, wink, collab video
Video Craig did with Corey and Shay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bhJoB9TaW8
Juice on YouTube