[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig pokes his head in from the kitchen] Oh hey beardlovers.
Alright now, listen up. Listen up. Listen up. Hey! You! Listen up! Listen! I've been getting thinky again.
There's been a lot of talk recently in the United States of the Americas about the release of certain photos in the Guantanamos Bay. You know, torture photos.
[playing guitar/singing] Photos about torture.
Some say they need to be released because we need to know the truth. The world needs to know the truth about the truth. Others say we release them and then, wuh oh, uhh, we're not safe.
But we're missing the real issue here. What about the photographer? Perfectly innocent 20-something probably just trying to further their photography career. Went to community college. Owns two cats. That's irrelevant. They're probably like, 'Hey, torture photos? Sign me up! It'll bring me one step closer to my dream of having a high school graduation photography company.' Interroglamor. It's the Guantanamost. In fact, if you're watching, photography dude or gal, I have plenty of, umm, other torture photography related puns that I would sell... I would gladly sell to you at a nominal fee.
But now imagine if they don't release the photos. These are, these are the photos of their career. Now they're dreams are slightly ruined.
Sometimes I do impressions. Almost never. But imagine the photographer watching the news and discovering that the photos are not going to be released.
[Title on screen: Professional impersonator] [Craigs rock back and forth in his chair] Ahh, feels good to be a photographer watching the news. [takes a sip of a drink. spits it out in surprise.] My career is ruined! [Craig smiles and waves at camera]
Intensely accurate, I know.
Now imagine him watching the news and discovering that the photos are going to be released and then they show them.
[Craig intently watching TV:] Yes! Ahh, my career is awesome! Ooo! [sips from cup, spits it out in disgust] Ugh, that's really disturbing. Ugh. Did I take that? God... That one has too much headroom.
Now imagine the photographer watching Lost.
Aaa! They raise more questions than answers! [takes a sip from a cup]
And here's Al Pacino.
[Al Pacino voice:] Alright... what we do here... is we take the photos... and we release 'em... to the public. Gimme that water. [takes sip. spits it out.] What the *ding* is in this water?
So after some light reading, I discovered that it was CIA agents that took pictures. So this whole video is kind of irrelevant. Cookiecrumble, could you wink for me?
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[outtakes: Craig takes a sip of water, spits it out] What the *ding*? [spits out water] [spits out water] [spits out water] What the *ding*? [spits out water] What the *ding*? [spits out water] What the *ding*?
beardlovers, *ding*, wink, outtakes
Joe the Torture Photographer on YouTube