[slides in/singing rug]
[Only Craig's eyes and eyebrows are visible in extreme closeup. As he talks, his eyebrows wiggle.]
Hey beardlovers. My tongue and lips have gotten really tired from all the talking over the years so I've trained myself to talk with my [now Craig's whole head is visible] eyebrows. [He realizes his whole face can be seen. Looks unsettled. Without moving his mouth, he says:] Could someone zoom the camera back in, please?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey, beardlovers, it's January 4th. You know what that means. You know. You're picking up what I'm putting down. You're wearing what I'm weaving. You're recycling what I'm eating potato salad out of. You're purchasing what I'm conceptualizing, bringing to the board members for approval, opening a production line, packaging, shipping to the local retailer, and putting on the shelf. You're ... you know... down.
Duh! It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday. Happy birthday, Sir. Can I call you Sir? We're on a first-name basis. [smiles] [audience laughter] [His smile glints and there is a dinging sound]
You know, the guy that looks like Craig with a Wig but with a longer wig and a smarmier face. [side by side of footage of Craig with a Wig and a picture of Isaac Newton] [theme song:] He's Craigity Craig Craig with a Wig [piano key] [Craig with a Wig makes a face.] Maybe not a smarmier face.
The guy that described the three laws of motion and universal gravitation? You know, what goes up must come down? I'll demonstrate with this bottle of Gulden's mustard. [holds up a bottle of Gulden's mustard] Not a sponsor, just delicious.
If you would like me to drop your product on Wheezy Waiter, just send lots of money and the product to my PO box on my main channel. Or if you want to send anything, just go for it. These people already sent stuff. [holds up stuff] Thank you. Thank you.
The OraBrush people gave me some eagle repellent. [holds up eagle repellent] Thank you. But I should give it to the redwing blackbirds over Arkansas because you guys translated the eagle's message from yesterday and he did, in fact, kill them. That's okay. I don't really need it anymore because I sprayed my entire body inside and out. Yeah. And everywhere inside and outside my apartment. The exterior now looks like this. [Picture of the Willis Tower completely shrouded in fog. Barely visible.] I may have sprayed a bit too much.
[holding up eagle repellent] That's okay. The eagle ain't coming anywhere near here. Whoa! [Eagle flies in and grabs the bottle] The eagle took my eagle repellent.
Was I talking about something else before? Oh yeah! Dropping the mustard.
[plays guitar and sings] Drop, drop, drop, dropping the mustard, Yeah!!
Because of Isaac Newton, we know that what goes up must come down. I drop this mustard [holds up the bottle of mustard again], it goes down. [Lets go of the mustard. It stays in mid-air.] See? OH MY GOD! GO DOWN! FIRST THE APPLE AND NOW YOU, MUSTARD? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Idea!
[Takes lettuce out of the fridge, grabs tomato out of fridge, and ham, and cheese. And bread. Picks up salsa. A buzzer sounds and a big red circle with a line through it appears. Lets go of the salsa. Drops all the ingredients on a plate on the table. Grabs a knife. Lettuce flies, as do the other components. He takes the completed sandwich and runs into the other room. He runs up to the mustard, takes the top piece of bread off the sandwich, keeps the rest of the sandwich below the mustard, raises the top piece of bread above the mustard, and slams the sandwich shut, trapping the mustard. Sits and takes a big bite of the sandwich.]
Mmmm. Oh yeah! That definitely solved the problem of my hunger. Was that the problem? Oh... bit of plastic. [pulls something from between his teeth]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Continues eating the sandwich] You know, I wish there was a live event in Orlando on March 26th and 27th where there was lots of YouTube people including me. And my band Driftless Pony Club. [Title on screen: playlist-live.com] [Craig sees the title] Oh hey! It looks like there is. Info on this website here. Link in the doobly-doo. I'm going to speak at it, and my band's gonna play. It's gonna be awesome. Although I don't know what I'm going to say yet. [takes another bite of sandwich]
[outtakes:] So I've trained myself to talk with my eye... with my eyebrows
singing rug, beardlovers, laugh track, dinging glinting smile, Craig with a Wig, Orabrush, eagle, headlines, song, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), outtakes
The reference to the redwing blackbirds and the eagle's letter are a reference to A Serious 2011.
The reference to the apple not falling is a reference to The Wheezy Identity.
Isaac Newton's Birthday on YouTube