[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Which would you rather do? See how long I can hold my breath? [points to a clickable annotation] or watch my new video? Click the link to watch me hold my breath. Do nothing to watch my video. You have five seconds. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [Annotation disappears] You elected to watch my new video. Kinda hoped you wouldn't do that. Now I gotta make one. Start the intro.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Let's see... Video. What to do a video about. Ideas, ideas, ideas. Hmm. [Standing by his chair, he leans so that one hand is on his hip, while his head rests on his other fist, in a thinker pose.] [Standing by the kitchen door, he bangs the door into his head a couple of times.] Okay, good. Pounded in that loose nail.
If I don't think of an idea soon, I'm gonna pick my nose. [gasps] I know! Ah, I'm gonna pick my nose anyway. [puts his finger up his nose and picks his nose]
Everything I just did there... that was fake. I never lack ideas.
People often ask me...
[Craig in closeup:] Hey!
[Craig in closeup:] Hey Wheezy Waiter!
[Craig in closeup:] I like your ideas.
Aww, pshaw, thank you. Oh, look at me.... [His face turns red. Really really red.] I'm blushing. Even my beard and my eyes are blushing. I'm really blushing.
[Craig in closeup:] Where'd you get 'em?
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, sir! I'm not just gonna tell you. Ideas are like head lice.
[Craig in closeup:] What?!
Stay with me. They come to you when you least expect it. And they're hard to get at, even when they're right there in your head.
[Craig in closeup:] Whaaat?!
And once you got them, they'll multiply. And they'll get all over. And you'll have to seal up all your clothes in garbage bags and throw 'em away.
[Craig in closeup:] I don't feel like I'm learning anything but your words do make me want to clean myself. And that's a rare feeling for me. I'm a dirty dirty man.
Me too, me in the closeup. Me too. Hey, you know something?
[Craig in closeup:] Nope. Absolutely not. [knocks on his head] Don't know anything. Oh. I got lice.
Everything I just said was also a lie. There's a lot of people on the internet who will tell you how they get their ideas, and they usually involve setting limits for yourself or working hard or living life so you have something to inspire you or something. Psh! Boring! There's only one source for all of their ideas. Right here. [Picks up a book and taps it. He taps it in closeup, extreme closeup, and then medium shot again.] Okay. It's a book called Ideas Unlimited, and a new edition arrives at my house every day. Via air mail.
[Craig is sleeping in his bed. A book hits him in the head and wakes him up:] Augh! Oh! New ideas!
Some of you may know I have a removable roof. And sometimes I like to sleep with it off. While naked. Hey, if aliens exist, they deserve a show.
This series of books has every single idea I've ever had in it. Like this one... [flips pages and stops on a page and reads] Jump kick a pillow. Okay. [Standing on his bed, Craig throws a pillow in the air and jump kicks it.]
Not one of your better ideas but I didn't have to think of it, so... awesome!
Every single creative person you've heard of subscribes to this book. MysteryGuitarMan, vlogbrothers, David Letterman, Lady Gaga... well, Lady Gaga stole hers from Madonna. [gasps] Ohhhhhhh!
This book has been kept secret for hundreds of years. The only reason I'm telling you about it is because the book told me to.
You can't find this book. The book finds you. So if you don't have one, sorry. You just don't have any ideas.
So the next time you complain about not having any ideas, just quit. You don't have the book. Or search around your yard. It might have fallen off your roof. [scratches his head] You may also want to check for head lice. You can never be too careful.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think the... [checks book] coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's... [checks the book again] ... done! [licks his fingertip and uses it to turn the page. Reads.] Spin jump to the coffee! [Spin jumps to and from the kitchen.] Whew. [sips coffee] Mmm. That was a good idea. There's no way to come up with a good idea without this book. [taps book] Wanna prove me wrong? You can't!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Every creative person you've ever heard of is subs... [licks lips] Every creative person you've ever subscribed... Every creative person you've ever heard of is subsa.... [makes funny noises] Ping. Pow. Zip. Boom. [checks book. Reads] Boing.
There is no magical source of ideas. Just get off your... [checks the book. reads from it.] ... butt and do stuff!
singing rug, beardlovers, interactive video, turning red from embarrassment, removable roof, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
Ideas Unlimited on YouTube