[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Guess what? I'm going on a date with a girl tonight, and I convinced her by using my usual pickup line. I gave her one of these. [Grunts while flexing his biceps.] And one of these. [And his pecs.] And then I told her I was president of Canada, which is kind of a lie. [whispers] I'm actually Prime Minister. And then I gave her one of these. [turns around, flexes his biceps again]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Okay, beardlovers, I have to go get ready to go... I"m so nervous! Hummina hummina hummina.
Plus maybe I shouldn't be getting into a relationship right now. I'm 31. I'm still a kid. I have my whole life ahead of me. I still haven't even been to college twice. And sure, relationships can be fun at first, but then you get to know each other's quirks, and those quirks become quarks, and those quarks combine to become hadrons, and scientists love to combine hadrons in giant hadron colliders, and they become black holes!!!
And then she's like, Clean the tub! And I'm like, I just cleaned the tub last week! And she's like, With WHAT? And I'm like, With a toilet bowl brush. And she's like, That's for the toilet! And I say, What does it matter? And she's like, Nothing I say matters! And then I'm like, We're just fighting about fighting!
So as you can see ... no, actually, I'm just nervous and overrationalizing.
What have I gotten myself into. [gasps] Idea! [looks around. turns on light behind him] Idea! [tilts his head towards the lamp so it's like there's a lightbulb over his head] I'll make a Romance Clone. You know, just for the first date. To impress her. You think I'm a wimp because I'm just staying home and avoiding the outside world? Nope. No, I'm not, 'cause see, I'm gonna watch TV.
To the cloning machine! [Gets up] [Now standing beside the cloning area door.] Ladies and gentlemen, Romance Clone. [calls to him] You can come out! Come out! [The door opens with a flourish as a clone wearing headphones and holding a phone or MP3 or something dances out of the cloning area.]
[Craig:] What are you doing?
[The clone dances. Spins.]
[Craig:] Are you... Where are you going?
[The clone opens the door to leave the apartment.]
[Craig:] Oh no! I made Go dance clone!
[Music starts. The clone dances down the sidewalk, spins, snapping his fingers. Dances. Runs, dances, and spins. Dances and snaps his way down the steps into the train station. On the train platform, he dances. Boards the train, still dancing. On the train, he continues dancing. Spins. Gets off the train dancing. Jumps in the air and kicks his feet together, Dances his way on to the escalator and dances his way up it. Dances across the crosswalk, leaping and spinning. Dances his way across another crosswalk. Still dancing and spinning, he's in front of The Bean now. He dances, claps his hands. Dances right in front of The Bean. Spins.]
[Go dance clone, dancing:] Who wants to dance with me? Come on. [The passersby do not seem interested.] Come on. [Dances.] Dance with me? Come on. [The lady he's asking declines. A young guy starts dancing with him.] Yeah! There you go. 2... 3... 4. 2... 3... kick. 1... 2... 3.. How about this? [Does arm pumps. The young guy does them too. In the background, people are staring.] Everybody, come on! [He and the young guy dance some more. Go dance clone looks around for others to join in.] Come on! Come on!
[Young guy:] Come on!
[Go dance clone, still dancing:] Come on! [No one joins them.] Come on! Dance! Yeah! That's right. [The woman he's trying to convince walks away.]
[Young guy:] They don't get it.
[Go dance clone:] This guy gets it! [They continue dancing. More people walk by.] These people aren't dancing.
[Young guy:] They aren't getting into it.
[Behind Go dance clone, a few girls start dancing.]
[Young guy:] Come on!
[Go dance clone:] Yeah, there you go. [A few more people start dancing.] Okay, now we're switching it up. Go like this. [Does arm pumps. The other dancers do it too. There are six of them now.] Now we're gonna go to the right. Ready? [They dance.] You're good. [They all dance together.] Freestyle! [They all start dancing in their own style, but it starts winding down.]
[Young guy:] Okay...
[Go dance clone:] Woo! I'm gonna go right now. [starts dancing away. Dances down a few steps.] Yeah! [Fade out as he keeps dancing.]
[Wheezy Waiter shadow outro with different outro theme]
[Winker moonwalks and winks (ding)]
It's probably better than I'm not jumping into a relationship 'cause there's this new show coming out on truTV called Impractical Jokers about these four dudes who make each other make fools of themselves in public. I was flown out to New York to watch the pilot episode, and I met all the guys, and, seriously, it's very hilarious. Wanna watch it with me [text onscreen: *by 'with me' I mean 'at the same time'] on December 15th? There's a link in the doobly-doo with all the info about the show. I don't know how they do it. I could never make a fool of myself in public like that. Never. Never. Never. I wonder how that date's going?
[Music plays again. Chyna sits, holding her fork, which is frozen in mid-air. She looks bewildered. Across from her, Go dance clone still has his headphones is and is dancing in his chair. Chyna looks incredulous. Go dance clone shimmies and dances, points at her and smiles. She looks confused. He gets up and dances out of the restaurant.]